Remembrance: Go and Be in Peace

Linking up with Blessed Is She and #BISsisterhood today to talk about Remembrance.

This week has had quite the emotional highs and lows. Saturday is going to be a little of both. Saturday we say the Office of the Dead, in remembrance of our little one, and the Blessing of Parents After a Miscarriage or Stillbirth.

I want it. I don't want it.

It offers closure, yet it rips open that wound and shines a light on it (with an audience.)

I want to be held, and I want to be alone.

I want to grieve and I want to move on, and I want them both at the same time. Preferably right now.

But I do know that I need this. We need this. Everyone involved needs this.

The thing about remembrance is that we do not get to pick what touched us about that person. All of the ways they changed our lives, and how we are different because of their life. 

Remembering them means remembering the loss of our previous self - the self that existed before they drifted into our lives and  dealing with the self that is now that they have drifted out. 

Previous me knew about the possibility of a loss this close was a possibility. Previous me was naive enough to think it was probably not going to happen. 

Previous me did not have a clue how strong friendships could be in the face of loss. Previous me did not know that someone would show up at my door with food. Previous me had no idea what it was like to be prayed for by so many people, and some of them true strangers.

Remembering Mary means remembering how different I am now. How raw her loss remains, but also how we are feeling our way towards peace.

So be in peace little Mary. Mom is waiting on you.

To read more stories about miscarriage, check out Remembering the Littlest of Lives link up with Sweeping Up Joy.