Speak So I Can Hear You - Words of Affirmation

In 1992, Dr. John Gray published his revolutionary book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Apparently, in the 90s, it was quite the epiphany to folks that men and women are different, and have different needs. One highlight of the book is Dr. Gray's little analogy that men and women are speaking different languages: Men speak Martian, and Women speak Venutian.

I'm generally not a fan of stereotypes, but any woman who has tried to get her husband to communicate only to be met with grunts and "I-dunno"s, and any husband who has asked his wife where they will go for dinner only to be answered with, "I don't care, you pick", will be well aware of this phenomenon.

Three years later, in 1995, Gary Chapman provided a kind of translation dictionary, at least when it comes to communicating our love. His book, The Five Love Languages, broke down some of the various ways that humans communicate love for one another. Just in case you aren't familiar, these five love languages are 1) Words of Affirmation, 2) Physical Touch, 3) Receiving Gifts, 4) Quality Time, and 5) Acts of Service.

These aren't gender based at all-- one theory is that they come from the deficits we grew up with, but that's a story for another day-- and once you begin to understand how your spouse is trying to communicate their love to you, it's a lot easier to start translating from Venutian to Martian!

Yet, one tricky thing remains: you only have a 20% chance of having the same Primary Love Language as your spouse. You might be pouring out your heart in "Acts of Service" (your love language), but they still feel unloved because all they see is a lack of "Words of Affirmation"(their love language).

I can only speak from my own language for now, and that is "Words of Affirmation". I'd like to share for you a few inside tricks on how to make sure that your spouse who speaks this language keeps their "love tank" full. You really want to make sure there is love in that love tank! An engine can't run without any fuel, and it's very hard to give love when you're running on empty.

My love tank feels the most full when I feel appreciated and when my husband tells me that he proud of me. If I've been keeping the home orderly and the kids healthy for a month straight, and he doesn't seem to care, I get very grouchy. He's a good sport though, and if he notices me fishing for a compliment, he does a good job of giving me one authentically.

How to keep your "Words of Affirmation Spouse" feeling loved:

• Compliment their cooking/car fixing/baby changing
• Acknowledge and thank them for the every day things they do
• Tell them they look pretty/handsome
• Say I love you to the point of nausea (and give them a "because" too!)
• Send them short texts every now and then, just to say "hi, I'm thinking about you"

One thing that gets overlooked occasionally is that while speaking someone's love language is the easiest way to keep their tank full, doing the opposite of it is the easiest way to hurt them.
If I'm not calm enough to discuss things without raising my voice, I generally just remove myself until I calm down or the situation goes away. My husband likes to talk things out right then and there, and in the first months of our marriage, he discovered that is not a good idea with me at all. As soon as voices raise above a certain decibel, my brain processes everything you say as, "You're a miserable lazy failure of a wife and mother". Irrational? Maybe, but it's how my brain works.

Additionally, if I am trying to communicate something, only to be met with silence, that tells me I'm not worth responding to. So if you're busy, take a second to respond to your spouse, even if it's just to say, "hold on, let me get back to you in a second."

How to make your "Words of Affirmation Spouse" feel unloved: 

• Raise your voice
• Ignore them in silence

And to most of us 80% of people who speak a different Love Language than their spouse, I would like to leave you with one reminder. Just because they aren't speaking your language, doesn't mean they aren't communicating love. Adherents to Gary Chapman's philosophy spend a lot of time talking about how to speak a love language. I've hardly ever heard anyone talk about how and why to listen to a love language. So if your spouse is a "Words of Affirmation" guy or gal, try to watch and listen for  moments like I listed where they may be offering you love, and make an effort to put those moments into your love tank too!

I'll be back in a few weeks to talk about my husband's love language, which is "Physical Touch". Until then, I hope I gave you all some good ideas and direction.

Love,
Hilary-
AMDG+

Hilary Thompson is a young wife and mother of two boys in southeast Michigan. She has been an organist since she was twelve. When she grows up, she wants to be a 97-year-old church cleaning lady. You can find more of her work about marriage, mothering, and Catholic trivia at Messy Buns & Latin Chant.

This is the first of an eight part series on the 5 Love Languages! Check back on Monday's and Wednesday's to read the new installments, and Monday's for a new giveaway.

Need some help fulfilling your spouse's love language of Words of Affirmation? 

Jen of Into Your Will has made this beautiful chalkboard to help you out! 

Enter the giveaway below, and check back on Wednesday for Jen's story of meeting her spouse's Words of Affirmation love language.

Check out her story of coming up with this board:

SPEAKING THE WORDS THAT DON'T COME NATURALLY - WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

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