"This is not the way it was supposed to be."
"This" could be anything. Infertility, disease, difficulty losing weight, or gaining it. The result is the same - your body has betrayed you. It's not functioning as it should or how you hoped. It does not seem to get better quickly, despite your efforts. Maybe it never will.
The temptation to despair is strong. It is decidedly hard to love your cross.
What gets me out of the rut of trying, and failing, to love a body that has failed to function properly is to stop focusing on loving myself harder. Common advice says to focuses on loving yourself, but it is a solitary love. A weak love.
I cannot love myself out of this trial, but I can allow myself to be loved through it. That love can be the balm that makes the blisters of cross bearable.
This means talking to others about the ugly in our lives, not holding onto our dirty laundry for fear someone might show us how to clean the stain.
It means accepting help - allowing others to be the hands of Christ.
I am still struggling along this road. I still say "This shouldn't be happening" multiple times a week. But then I text a friend, write a quick email to let my husband know my headspace, or prayer journal out my mental mud.
It does not cure anything bodily, but it does provide an antidote to the despair.
It is ok to grieve. It is normal to feel hurt and angry, but don't stay there and certainly don't walk this road alone.
Know that your body is not your punishment.
Know that you are not the only person carrying this particular cross.
Know that God still loves you and wants good things for you.
Know these things, even if you can't believe them yet.
This was the reminder I needed today, thank you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAmen. Amen. Amen.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. Such a good reminder. I'm such a fixer and want problems to go away after the prescribed action has been followed, and something I find myself saying to myself a lot is "I shouldn't still feel like this." It becomes a drudgery to still suffer from whatever plague and we forget that this is the cross we've been given to carry for a while, and forget to unite our sufferings to those of the Great Sufferer. Saying a prayer for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteWonderful sharing. Really inspired me a lot. Sometimes i feel same things about this period of age but fact is every person have cross through this. I'm 42 years old and doing job in a aluminium roofing company. after reading yours words i really feel happy with me. thanks a lot for such a wonderful post. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is something I've been struggling with so much lately. I was sick for the past few years and this winter went through a lot to get that all worked out (including intensive surgery). All those years we suffered infertility. Then in May we found out we were expecting. Our 12 week appoint showed no heartbeat. So much to process. I think this is the first time I'm allowing myself to grieve a miscarriage (I've lost 2 other sweet babies). I will be praying for you as you walk your journey...
ReplyDelete