There's a particular aspect of mom culture, and among women in general, that has bothered me for a long time. I'll call it over-identification with an external. I see it in the leagues of "natural moms" who band together over their shared choices....until someone makes a different choice.
Are you still a "natural mom" if you can't/don't breastfeed?
If you don't have a super strict diet?
If you had a c-section?
Everyone seems to have their own, differing, definition of what makes a "natural mom" and thus social inclusion becomes a roving target. At any moment you might slip and become not "natural" enough. What then? Are you out of the "natural mom" club?
I'm picking on the "natural mom" label first because it is probably one of the most egregious examples, but I see this among other groups of women too. There's the marrieds, the singles, the married with kids, etc. In our quest to find people who share our experience, we have all managed to create our own little sparsely populated boxes.
What happens next?
We take to the internet to complain about how lonely and isolated we are.
After that.
We complain about how the internet, and social media, is making the problem worse.
Y'all, the internet didn't make this problem. Plenty of people felt isolation before social media. What social media did do was provide another avenue to do what we were doing before - over-identifying with externals that ultimately say nothing about who we ARE.
All those labels? They are all about what we do, what we think about ourselves, but not who we ARE.
Homeschooling might be a big part of my day to day, but my soul does not have a mark on it that says "homeschooler". No matter how many labels you collect to try and name for your own personal constellation of attributes, those labels tell me nothing about YOU. They might tell me how you spend your time, but we are all more than our day jobs.
There is a notable exception! My label of "baptized Catholic" does say something about who I am. Baptism left an indelible mark on my soul, and I couldn't deny it or get rid of it even if I wanted to. Being a baptized Catholic is now an enduring part of my being, and it makes sense to convey that identity.
I can't fail to be Catholic now. I can fail to fulfill my duties as a Catholic, I can dislike Catholicism, but I cannot unCatholic myself. That's a safe identity.
While I appreciate the yearning to share commonalities with others, I wish I saw less of a use of those commonalities to triage who is enough like ourselves to be worthy of our social energy.
The fact is that I am doing all of those externals just for a time. What happens when that external ceases to make sense in my life? Do I then become too different to be close to those with whom I used to share a label?
Over-identifying with an external means that our identities, our concept of ourselves, are only safe as long as we keep doing things the "right" way. It often means going with the crowd for the sake of relationship. That sounds like an exhausting way to live!
Lately I've been consciously avoiding calling myself by a label. When I meet someone I try not to immediately list out my marital status, number of kids, diet, schooling choices, etc. Instead I focus on having an organic conversation. And it has been HARD! You don't notice what a bad habit triage by label has become until you try to consciously shift your own interactions.
It has been a worthy experiment, and one I recommend. Perhaps there are labels that you would be better off letting go. Perhaps there's a person you have seen around, but never gotten to know because y'all didn't seem to have a lot in common. Give her a chance to be more than your perception of her.
What are your thoughts on labels? Do you agree that social media didn't create the storm? Have you ever clung to a label for the sake of belonging?
I have had three “natural” births but try to refer to them as “unmedicated.” Otherwise it implies everyone else is doing something unnatural! I also dislike the label “attachment” — is the alternative detached parenting?!
ReplyDeleteBoth terms are worded in a way that makes any alternative seem unappealing or less than, aren’t they? Which is a brilliant marketing move, but it’s a repulsive choice from the perspective of relationship.
DeleteYESSS Katherine and Kirby!!! I do describe myself as a "natural" birther, but have been trying out "physiologically supported" birth because the word "natural" is so meaningless. (See "natural" food labels...) However even PS birth is sort of vague, but I'm trying to also get at how I support a variety of laboring positions, eating in labor, etc. Is PS birth too judgy/vague/label-y too, do you think?--MariaE
DeleteI LOVE this! I agree. It just gets ridiculous!! Especially like you said, when they winds down to keeping up with externals to meet the requirement of our given "label." I wonder sometimes when I see blogs or bumper stickers that talk about being a "babywearing, breastfeeding natural mom": what about if you have a baby who doesn't like babywearing? Are you going to try and force the issue anyway to fit with your chosen "label"? I really see a lot of this stuff because I tend to frequent sites and groups that tend towards topics like unmedicated childbirth, breastfeeding, etc. and some of the stuff drives me bonkers because they wind up villanizing people and things that are "different," like eating non-organic foods. A person is so much more than a label, and this is why when some of my friends say that I'm "a hippy," I respond, "Well, I'm not A hippy, I'm a bit of a hippy/tend to enjoy things that are more 'hippyish'" since can't-and don't want to fit into-that little label.
ReplyDeleteThe natural labels seems to acquire more and more aspects all the time!
DeleteApparently I do a lot of Montessori things with my kids, but I wouldn’t call my parenting particularly a Montessori style because it’s solely based on what has worked with my own needs and personality and those of the kids I currently have.
I’ve seen some of the villianizing too, and I think that’s where I think we cross a line. It’s not just about creating a sense of belonging then, it’s also about keeping others out.
I don't like labels either. You're right that circumstances can change. People change. What's best for our family may change. Labels are narrow and restrictive. And even if I'm a homeschooler, I can hang out with friends whose kids are in school. I can breastfeed with friends who bottle feed. I can respect my friends' choices, even if they are different than mine. :)
ReplyDeleteThat’s the goal!
DeleteTHANK YOU!!! I am so going to share this post. Even in a conventional sense, as your post gets at, "natural" and "attachment" are such a spectrum. I cloth diaper, breastfeed, make my own yogurt, granola, and most everything from scratch; but I don't do any herbal supplements, organic food (wish I could but too much $$$) and I.... vaccinate. To some I'm way more "natural" than they are, thereby a "natural" mom. To others I am a chemical chugging, injecting, pharmaceutical science lab creation. Just depends on what you know about me and who you ask--so, as you say, it's way better to have the conversation and skip the label of either "natural" or...um, "unnatural?!?!" mom. The label won't capture who I am, a unique child of God. It won't capture the person of someone else, either, as you point out. LOVE this post!--MariaE
ReplyDeleteCan I give you a high five through the internet?!
DeleteI’m very much the same way (like see post on breastfeeding).
It’s way down the road, but lately I’ve got to thinking about how I want to think of myself once I only have teenagers, or maybe no kids at home. I can’t very well use some of these labels then ! Or if I did, they would be inverted obsessions without a purpose. I figure it’s better to lay the foundations for a like after littles then to set my identity by what I happen to do while I have little kids.
Amen sistah!--MariaE
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