Missing Out?

It's summer, for now.

It's marching on to back to school time.

It feels a little like the world is sailing by, and maybe, just maybe, you feel like you missed out.

This feeling probably comes up a lot. Sometimes in little ways - sneaking in via your friend's vacation photos or sitting silently in a discussion of the latest TV show/movie/book you haven't seen or read.
Sometimes it's in big ways. The pregnancy announcements that pop up after yet another negative test. The supportive/non-destructive in-laws your friends have that just aren't in the cards for you.

Well meaning friends and family try to tell you that "your time will come" or "it will happen for you."
Let's be honest here, it might not.

That life ideal that you are hoping and dreaming and working toward? It might not happen. At least not in the way you initially pictured.

It's a fine line between accepting the reality that your dream might not happen and wallowing in it. It's so easy to think "why bother?" if your goal might be unattainable.

I'm completely guilty of this too. Back in May I was thinking I would be wrapping up my show toward the end of June. Then it would be an open summer of family fun, weekend adventures, and time to catch up with all the friends I haven't seen over the past many months of theater work. I would be showing more in my pregnancy by then, so theater auditions for the late summer and fall were off the table.

Then I started bleeding on June 1st. Suddenly all those plans I made around the assumption there would be prenatal appointments, a 20 week scan, and a kicking baby, died.

Then six weeks later it still wasn't over. Last week I had to have a D&C anyway (which makes my miscarriage longer than the time I was pregnant by more than two weeks, y'all.)
They found a badly behaved ovarian cystic tumor too. Thankfully benign.
But that surgery means I will have officially been miscarrying and recovering the entire summer. I'm not allowed to go in lakes or pools. I can't train at the level I need to in order to get back out on the audition circuit.

It is so stinking easy to wallow. To hate what my life is this summer. To be frustrated with God. To desire desperately to know why.
But none of that will change my fantastically unlucky roll of the biological dice.

So instead I'm trying to do what I can.
I can't train my body, but I can train my mind. The library is my favorite online shopping.
I can't swim or do any summer water sports, but I can visit the lake and enjoy it anyway.
I'm not traveling anywhere, but I can make myself a fun new cocktail and have a little porch vacation after kids are in bed.

I don't have much agency over my body right now, but I can do many other things. There are still things to learn, people to meet, dreams to have, and hopes to nurture.

Find what you can do out of where you are right now. Your friends aren't having a great summer at you, but they might not know how to be with you. Grow your base of interests and reach out from there.
Don't hate unfollow because the comparison struggle runs deep. See if there is a gem of an idea you can use from that person.
Live your life on the margins of what you think is possible. No one gets stronger from playing it safe and familiar.

You might also be interested in: