1. Tell us a little about each of you
Michael is a PhD chemist and is from a small town in Michigan. Sterling has a degree in finance and is from southern Washington. We have been married for eight years. We have four children and we are expecting our fifth in September! We have experienced three miscarriages.We are both adult converts who are children of divorced parents. As such, we don't have any good examples of how marriage looks in a healthy setting. We have read a lot of books about Catholicism, marriage, and natural family planning to try and live out our vocation of marriage the best we can.
2. How did you learn about NFP?
Michael learned about NFP on a hike in the northern Michigan woods when I was in High School. He asked his friend Paul (who was my Catholic Conversion Sponsor 9 years later) what the Catholic alternative to contraception was, he explained NFP. Since then we have learned much more obviously. :)Sterling learned about NFP when a priest tossed her an NFP book in the one marriage prep session that we had. It wasn’t a great introduction but we knew this was going to be a big part of our life so we did a lot of our own research.
Shortly after diving into the world of NFP, we realized that we would be fertile on our honeymoon. We had wanted at least six months of being married before getting pregnant so we actually chose to abstain from sex for the first three days after we got married! Whew, that was a sacrifice. Then we consummated our marriage on the fourth day knowing there was still a small chance we could get pregnant. That’s when we learned the reality of NFP because we have since discovered, if there is any small chance of getting pregnant… we do!
Of course, being open to God’s plan sometimes means getting pregnant on your honeymoon but abandoning yourself to that trust has greatly deepened our faith.
3. How did you pick your NFP method?
Trial and Pregnancy. We started out using symptothermal but because Sterling has struggled with insomnia for most of her life, we quickly realized that it was difficult to catch her basal temperature. After our honeymoon pregnancy, which really wasn’t a surprise because we knew that there was a small chance we could get pregnant, we did have two surprise pregnancies due to bad temperature data. Unfortunately, those two pregnancies ended in miscarriage. That’s when we looked into Creighton.Creighton quickly showed us that Sterling had low progesterone levels. We ended up getting pregnant again (on purpose) and working with the Pope John Paul VI institute using progesterone shots to help us carry the baby to term.
We felt really confident in Creighton and we liked that we were both involved in charting and making decisions. We got pregnant two more times, not necessarily planned but definitely not surprises either. We knew there was a small chance of getting pregnant both times!
The last time we got pregnant was definitely more of a surprise. Sterling had radically changed her diet for six weeks and it shifted her cycle. We definitely should have abstained since our chart definitely looked unusual so I would say this “surprise” baby was really just user-error but it was definitely hard for us since we got pregnant four months after having our last baby.
4. What has been the greatest struggle of NFP in the postpartum period?
There are two great struggles we’ve encountered with NFP. We struggle with hyperfertility, and have become pregnant on average more than once a year. The first has definitely been becoming pregnant despite our best efforts to use NFP.The second biggest struggle has been the lack of support/communication in the Catholic community about NFP, especially about prolonged periods of abstinence. It seems to be a “suffer in silence” type of problem and it has really been hard on our marriage not knowing what our normal reactions should be to prolonged abstinence.
5. What has been the greatest benefit?
The greatest benefit has been significantly reduced mortal sin and urgent need for confession. We also value having NFP options so Sterling doesn’t have to put a bunch of chemicals or foreign objects in her body. And obviously, we are extremely blessed and grateful for all our children. Despite the challenges, we cannot imagine life without them!It’s difficult because NFP is often touted as this beautiful way to bring couples together, but we have not found that to be true. Due to our many struggles, we would not say that NFP has produced a greater feeling of unity within our marriage.
You can hear more from Sterling on her podcast, Coffee and Pearls - Wisdom for Catholic Moms, and on her website sterlingjaquith.com. She is the author of four books, including Not of This World: A Catholic Guide to Minimalism and Smitten: A Collection of Catholic Love Stories.
You can read more of her take on NFP in her post Why I Despise NFP But Do It Anyway.
We're having a Postpartum NFP week around her on Under Thy Roof!
Check out the other posts this week.
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Do you have experience with "hyper-fertility"?
Sterling points out that the prolonged abstinence has not been marriage building for them, and I believe that to be true of many solid marriages as well. How can we more accurately and reasonably prepare couples for periods of prolonged abstinence that my very well occur in transition times?
Thank so much for an open, honest witness to the struggles using NFP.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the tone of blogger in offering these very real struggles, but in the service of saying, how can we improve the education and experience for others considering or living NFP? Very fruitful.
A few observations based a a fundamental truth about NFP that is not explained: NFP REVEALS PROBLEMS! It reveals medical issues, intimacy issues, self-mastery issues. You name it! These are very real struggles for very good people and do not make us bad!!
We never go on a diet and think, oh, I'll LOVE this before I see a pound come off!! We know it will reveal sugar addiction through withdrawal symptoms, emotional dependency and lack of self-mastery. Before the good stuff and freedom, the tough stuff comes out.
We never name that stuff with NFP and offer a path to growth. In that spirit, a few observations:
1. Confusing signs come from hormonal imbalance. Just hearing chronic insomnia made bells go off for me, because that will be a system under stress which will affect cycles and signs. I wish we spoke more about the fact that chronic mucus signs are not normal! We're supposed to have them for a fertile patch and really should not see or feel them otherwise. And, there are so many natural ways to bring balance. So, NFP reveals underlying chronic imbalances with difficult to follow cycles.
2. NFP reveals a dependence on sex for intimacy. This does not make us bad! It makes us human!! But, we don't speak enough about how to grow intimacy. I don't know this couple at all!! But, bells went off when I read they were both from divorced homes- very, very normal today. Also normal to have been a latch key kid like me- my parents were married but everyone was working so much that I really wasn't immersed in the type of bonding that would have made marriage easier. I think abstinence brings this out. Dr. Greg Popcak has written some good stuff about learning to see the biochemical cascade behind sex that we really can and need to get through other means in our relationship. NFP is just an opportunity for this...not the cure.
3. Self-mastery is needed for NFP, and who has that after living in this culture unless you were blessed to have an amazing formation? But, disordered sexuality doesn't just mean we can't make it through the abstinence phase...it means our hearts aren't ordered rightly toward each other and it will show up so many places. So, off to Confession with more than "I broke the rules," but with a sincere understanding that we need a deeper love.
I think the path for every couple is to see what NFP is revealing for them in particular. Unclear charts and trouble with abstinence reveal different things for different people, and I believe it is God trying to give us an opportunity, through grace, to heal and become whole.
GREAT articles. Keep them coming, and THANK YOU to the wonderful couple who offered their story.
Several good thoughts, but definitely not cut and dried. I do Creighton method and have for years, but I will never completely have normal charts even with the blessing of Creighton because I have PCOS. Sometimes unclear charts are a reality and CANNOT be helped, even WITH the amazing things Creighton/Napro can do. This is part of the cross. I'm also not convinced that struggling with long periods of abstinence is a sign that couples need to get intimacy in other ways but I get what you're saying. It's important and helpful to learn to be intimate in other ways, but I don't think that will ever completely 'cure' the difficulty of abstinence periods. Again, part of the cross of NFP.
DeleteI think the problem with the idea that having abnormal charts is an opportunity for better balance forgets an important caveat - there may not be any medical intervention to fix them. I have personally been through the wringer with OBs, Endos, NFP OBs, various methods, and the answer is still "it's not normal but there's nothing we can do." For a couple in that situation, just saying that she has a hormonal imbalance doesn't tell her anything she doesn't know, and just means the period of uncertainty stretches out infinitely.
DeleteSex, while not the only way to have intimacy, is still the prime expression of married love. We need to be careful not to devalue the importance of sex in a marriage.
I love Sterling's books! This was a great witness. I too have not necessarily seen NFP build our marriage in the way it's marketed, but I'm still glad we practice it because it's helped us find my fertility issues and it keeps us with clear consciences knowing we are being "free/total/faithful/fruitful." :) Great series, Kirby!
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned that both you and your husband are involved in charting, but what does that look like? How does that work? I've asked my husband if he could be more involved, but his general response is "it's your body, you can just tell me what it's doing" (which makes me feel totally alone in tracking things). But I don't even know what it looks like to have a husband involved in charting so I don't know what to tell him
ReplyDeleteI can tell you what my husband and I do using CCL's sympto-thermal. I take my temp in the morning and text it to him. He is in charge of updating the chart with temps, including making note of abnormal ones. I do all mucus observations. We both review the chart and talk about it.
DeleteSome couples have told me that the husband is in charge of "reading" the chart, but I found it worked better for us to both have a look than discuss when it came to interpretation.
Exactly what he can do depends on your method, but it seems very reasonable for him to be in charge of keeping up with the chart notations - even if he can't make the observations himself.
I feel like no one wants to acknowledge how easy it is to have user error with nfp. All we ever say is 99% prevention when used properly! And no sheepish admission of how hard it can be when your body isn't textbook or you aren't a detail oriented person. Getting better with practice still means you can have surprise baby(ies) first. Postpartum is when the difficulties of irregularities plus user error come together a lot. And people always just say "practice" or "consult your teacher." Um, consult your teacher every time before intimacy?! Because sometimes that's how confused you are.--MariaE
ReplyDeleteThat's a very real aspect of postpartum too! Having picture perfect charts just isn't a reality for a lot of us, and instructors can only clear up so much.
DeleteConfidence in charting, and dealing with irregularities, would be an awesome topic to address in NFP classes.