How Do I Speak to Postpartum NFP When... I Got Pregnant?

I'm going to break my own rules with this story, because I think it's a story that needs telling.

This one is going to be anonymous and it's only going to be the wife's side of the story. Her reasons for requesting this are solid, and just...read her story. She is absolutely not the first person to tell me something like this in hush-hush tones with furtive glaces. This is a more common reality than many of us want to admit.

Tell us a little about each of you

We meet in college, he a well-formed Catholic from a big family, me a fallen-away nothing who didn't ever tire of debating this wickedly smart, handsome, crazy person. Joke's on me! Because lo and behold, those three years of debating accidentally converted me. We ended up getting married after college -- something he'd always pictured doing and something I never imagined. The babies came quickly; I'm a stay-at-home mom of four while he works in government contracting.

 How did you learn about NFP? / How did you pick your NFP method?

Hah.

So, I know a lot of people in my various NFP Facebook groups want to shout from the rooftops that "NFP IS NOT THE RHYTHM METHOD." Well, we all need to be shouting that a little louder, because even the people trying to listen can't hear you.

I was not aware that NFP was not the rhythm method until after my THIRD CHILD. My parochial Catholic schools didn't teach it. My Catholic college spoke of it only theoretically. Our marriage prep class mentioned that temping and mucus were something you could look into, and left it to you to do that looking. But if Catholic schooling gave me little else in terms of faith formation, I at least had a moralistic fear of ever touching myself "down there," so the idea of checking mucus felt like a giant "No way, Jose." Good thing that sounded optional, right? And finally, while I do have a well-educated cradle-Catholic awesome-devout husband, there was a big all-boys-school gap in his knowledge on this particular subject. He assumed NFP was basically the rhythm method too. (This is why my sons will be taught some things...)

After I had my third son, I learned more specifically via my own Googling what was involved in STM. So I breastfed my son and waited patiently for my period to come back so I could start doing this charting thing.

More hah.

Because that didn't happen.

I got pregnant before having a cycle. But yay! Because my fourth son is the best thing ever, and there would be a hole in our family without his big sunshiny smile.

But anyway, back to the drawing board with NFP. It was when my youngest was 5 months old that I made a self-deprecating joke at my Catholic book club. "Yeah, all our kids are 19 months apart... I guess that's just how we date our calendars." People laughed. I wanted them to. That joke always gets a good reaction. But it was certainly thin cover for the fact that I did not have a handle on this NFP thing.

That's when a friend from the book club whom I've known a while now pulled me aside and started telling me about Marquette's postpartum breastfeeding protocol. I was floored. I was struck dumb by my total ignorance. You mean... there's something you can do to chart before your first cycle? You do what? And I can do mucus too? What is LH? I'm not doing any of this!

I came home that night and asked my husband for a ClearBlue Fertility Monitor for Christmas.

What has been the greatest struggle of NFP in the postpartum period?

Well, the first great struggle is certainly that, six months into Marquette... I got pregnant! Without a cycle. Again. While perfectly conforming to the protocols of the breastfeeding TTA protocol. And yes, these two will also be 19 (and a half) months apart. I thought we were really going to get a foothold this time; I was so confident. I was so trusting. I was so diligent. And... yeah, that was hard.

That's the reason that, at first, I backed out of speaking to Kirby for this series. How do I speak to postpartum NFP when... I got pregnant? (Again. I can't stress the "again" part enough.)

But I can say that now we're all settled into the reality of five children. I'm at peace again.

What is becoming a second struggle is telling other people -- family and friends who DON'T practice NFP, but know that we do -- that we're expecting again. I feel like Negative Evangelization. I feel like a stereotype. And it's hard to explain to people who don't already get it that, yeah, we were TTA, but we're also open to life. That's the point. This baby is NOT the worst news ever.

What has been the greatest benefit?

The greatest benefit of our particular journey has been to my own heart and mind. Only one of our five children was "planned," so to speak. But it's gotten easier and easier to sincerely accept new life with love and enthusiasm the longer this 19-month routine repeats. I'm not perfect. If there's one thing I've learned by saying over and over that I'm "open to life," it's how to actually be open to life when "life" calls my bluff <3

How can we do a better job of authentic NFP instruction? What should we be doing so that engagement is not the first time the phrase Natural Family Planning brings any meaning?

What struck you about this story?