Lent is coming in a matter of days (days!). Which  means "What are you giving up?" is the Catholic conversation starter of choice.

In the past few years I've seen a progression from giving up soda, desserts, or alcohol to giving up whole food groups or taking on highly restrictive diets. While not necessarily a bad practice, and comes with the territory if you are an Eastern rite Catholic, I wonder if this is becoming popular for non-spiritually fruitful reasons.

Often I've heard the argument that using fad restrictive diets is an easy way to challenge yourself and to get information about your body. While Whole 30, Keto, Paleo and whatever else is the hip way to eat in a year from now, may hit the criteria of challenging your food choices, I'm not sure they are useful as a Lenten practice.
Here are some questions to ask yourself before choosing a restrictive diet as your Lenten discipline.

If you're brutally honest, why you want to do this?

It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking Lent will work like a magic spell. Everything you touch in the name of Lent will work out because it's a holy time! When we think like this, we forget that we are still ourselves. We still come into Lent with our personalities, baggage, struggles, and state of life.

Is your relationship to food something that has been difficult for you for a while?
Do you believe the foods you are cutting out via the diet are "bad" foods?
Did you pick this diet because it's popular in your friend group?

These are all questions that deserve some thought before embarking on this Lent!

Have you struggled with "failing" Lents before?

Do you tend to set your Lenten bar high, and go into deep disappointment when you slip up? Has that happened over and over?

Even though the fasting and abstinence traditions in the Eastern rites look incredibly demanding (and are demanding) that bar is more of a aspiration than it is a base level. Perhaps give yourself some grace this Lent and choose to set your bar high and work up to it. Or make small conscientious choices throughout the day instead of cutting food groups out wholesale.

Consider the weight your mortification will place on others

Perhaps you don't mind subsisting on veggies exclusively, cutting out all added sugars, or having limited protein sources - but is that true for your spouse? Is it reasonable to plan on making multiple dinners? Are your choices going to make it difficult to participate in community events? Thinking about the impact your choices have on others is a big part of being true Church.

Think beyond the food box

Maybe what you seek to rectify is not really about food. Perhaps you are struggling with self-discipline. Or simplicity. Or generosity.

Many of us grew up giving up a food something as a Lenten discipline, and still think of food restrictions as The Way to Lent. But I would like to challenge you to a little more honesty and awareness of your own struggles. Name the underlying struggle you are trying to address.

Last year I realized partway through Lent that I was struggling with procrastination. It didn't look like it, I'm very much a type A over-doer, but I was procrastinating never the less.
Phone calls would get carried over on my to do list for weeks.
Prayer time was something I would get to "later".
I would avoid rest by finding just one more chore to do.
Choosing to be aware of my underlying struggle made for a fruitful Lent that didn't leave me feeling like a failure for my slip ups!

Have you ever done a restrictive diet for Lent? What were your reasons? Did it make for a fruitful Lent? What did you learn?

Amelia Hill House - 1 Year In

Facebook reminded me that today marks one whole year since we closed on Amelia Hill House.
Here's the things that have, and haven't, changed about this little homestead in the past year.

What Has Changed

A lot of non-glamorous stuff

Anyone who has bought an old house can tell you that they can take a ton of upstart work - a lot of which does nothing to improve aesthetics.
Before we moved in we knew the electric needed substantial replacement. The attic had too little insulation and what was there included the remains of some critters who moved in for a bit. The water softener was not functioning, and the entire house needed a through cleaning after sitting empty for a number of years.

Some dream projects did happen

The kitchen wasn't just not aesthetically pleasing, many of appliances were on their last legs or were straight up non-functioning. Before move in we opted to re-do the entire kitchen area and downstairs bathroom.

Bathroom - Before

Kitchen - Before

I'm so grateful we did. We got to design a kitchen that would work well for us - adding in an island and rigging up a gas range.
The bathroom is so much more usable, and the re-do took care of a mildew problem that we didn't know was happening under some cabinets.

Bathroom - After

Kitchen - After

Library is Reality!

I have dreamed about having my own library since seeing Beauty and the Beast as a kid.

I mean, who wouldn't?!

When we saw the downstairs bedroom was really very awkward as a bedroom (it's right off the dining room and shares a bathroom with the kitchen) the dream of a library was born.

This:

Has become this:

Surprise House History

A year ago we thought this house only dated to 1901. Which is, granted, still over a century old, but not as old as it might be. After finding a letter from the great-granddaughter of the original builder, I have put in a decent amount of research to corroborate her story and track down what I can about the house and original family.

It's a thrill to find even a scrap of newspaper in the library archives that mentions the correct Schmidt family (which I now know that name is to peoples of German descent that Smith is to English. Oh so many false trails.) I've had some success tracking down the original land patent and records of the various land buys and deals that created the farmland our home was designed to oversee. 

The local historic society is getting interested in learning more about the German speaking founders of the city, and thinks our house might be one of the oldest, if not the oldest, still standing. Hopefully I can put in more research time this summer and find out! 

Many projects are on back back burner

The house underwent renovation projects in the 1950s and 1970s. The 1970s has left us the popcorn ceilings and soot stained sandstone fireplace. I would love to tackle the damaged wallpaper in the dining room and living room, finish painting the day nursery, and finally get a lot of our art up on the walls.

But does it cause daily living or safety issues? No.

So it's been a practice in letting go and allowing fixing up Amelia Hill House to be a slow meander rather than a sprint. 

Summer Take Two

Buying a house in Minnesota in the winter meant we had no idea what was underneath all that snow and ice!

This summer will be our first time getting serious about gardening, and taking advantage of the blessed former owner who designed our yard to always have something blooming during the growing season.

Just before winter set in, I found an egress window to a crawl space under the guest house that I didn't know existed. We also have a well under the guest house that needs to be capped this Spring/Summer. I see some summer archaeology in our future!

It's Really Home

The house has now seen everyone's birthday, a Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. After years of renting and moving and always being ready to pack up and leave, the feeling of getting to settle in is a luxury. We're still learning. It's still a heck of a lot of work, and there will be more to come, but this house seems to be up for the task of sheltering a new motley crew of young-ins - 144 years after the first set.

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? - TO CATHOLIC WOMEN IN THE STORM

"If you were an educated laywoman in Rome [this] week, what would you do? Who would you talk to you? What would you say?"

Meg Hunter-Kilmer asked this question a few days ago, and it took me a little while to process the possibility. Even though I'm an educated Catholic woman, who is anything but leery of speaking my mind, I must confess I have never honestly believed that men in the upper echelons of the clergy would have any interest in what I have to say.
Because I don't wield any canonical power.
Because I don't have a degree in Philosophy, Theology, or Law.

But I do have dreams, hopes, and longings of my soul that scream to be told to these men who have been entrusted with the future of our Church.
I will be honest and say I don't have much of any faith in these men as a group - even though I hold individuals in high esteem for the help and support I have witnessed them generously give toward healing the offenses of their brothers. I don't expect this summit to bring closure, a path forward, or be much more than finally getting around to doing "the least they could do."

But I recklessly continue to pray, against the evidence of my senses and mind, that these men will surprise us all.

I pray that the magnitude and gravity of the offenses committed be unavoidable

How often have I read statements and comments from bishops, cardinals, and priests that just show that they don't fully understand the seriousness of the situation. That they cannot consider the possibility that their vows classmate, seminary buddy, associate, etc. could have fallen so far from the standards of decent humanity. I pray daily that the scales will fall from their eyes, and that they will have the strength to accept the failings of their brothers with a full and swift justice.

I pray that the feminine genius be allowed to serve its role

Even though, as far as I know, this meeting is being held by and for the male clergy, I pray that women may be allowed to serve their role and form these men. This means men will have to deliberately practice hearing the women of their flock. Women have the potential to bring new perspectives and innovative solutions for crafting space for healing and reconciling victim-survivors back into the life of the Body of Christ. It's not standing in the place of the priest, but it is standing as a stepping stone for someone who has been violated by the those who wore the face of the church.

I pray that every bishop will confront the demons in their own diocese, and any within themselves

This is particularly that every bishop will not focus solely on the abuse of minors, even though this summit makes that error, but addresses all vulnerable people who have been violated. This requires seeing the scandal of abuse and it's cover up in it's full, messy, complicated evil.

I pray that every cleric will make a conscious decision to see the consequences of depravity and the depth of the betrayal wrought by the systemic cover up of abuse.

Not every priest or deacon has been ready, or willing, to reconsider their own prejudices and blind spots. Too many have leaned into comfortable party lines of blaming Vatican II, liberals, traditionalists, whatever their pet project might be. But to do so uses victims for selfish ends - violating again those who have already been unconscionably violated.
There can be no excuses for evil, no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient.

I pray that these realities of our shared history will be poignant and unfathomable

This is a forever turning point in our church history. This is a moment where innocent belief and blind faith has to die away. I pray that the laity will never return to "business as usual". That we will make a collective effort to see and hear the victim-survivors who have found it within themselves to make steps back to the church that has so betrayed them. That we will have willing hands and loving hearts open to fighting against the temptation to fall back into comfortable habits.

I pray that this will be the moment we can honestly stand together, in the fullness of being church, and say "never again."

Logically I know that abuses will happen again, but that doesn't stop me from praying that they won't. I want every member of the church, and every non-Catholic, to stand and see and refuse to look away from abuses when they happen. To prevent as much as we can, and be ready to do what is necessary and just when they do.
Maybe I can't truly hope for "never again" for abuse, but you can bet I'm going to fight tooth and nail for "never again" will another cover up occur in my faith family.

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Related Post

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? - TO CATHOLIC WOMEN IN THE STORM

A Quick Update from the Frozen North

Hello to all who too have just survived a Polar Votex! A quick little newsy update from the, still frozen, North.

Picture from last year. She could have gotten frostbite in under 5 minutes if we attempt this photo this week THAT'S HOW COLD IT WAS.

1

For a girl used to natural disasters involving sirens the and the risk of sudden death, the winter version of weather emergency is a little...underwhelming? It's a very slow moving emergency! Winter weather doesn't touch everyone with equal danger in the way that a tornado can. More resources = better outcomes in this situation.

As we stayed home and cooked creatively out of the pantry, I tried to reiterate to my kids how having a warm house, working furnace, food in the pantry, isn't a given for everyone.

2

The kids also learned that snow days don't mean much when you're homeschooled - especially when it's too cold to play outside.

We did start reading Hilda van Stockum's Canadian Summer as our read aloud, and it really does help to read about the height of summer in the depths of winter.

3

The extreme cold resulted in just about every being cancelled/closed this week. And I mean everything. The bars were even closed on Wednesday, so no St. Brigid ceili dancing for us.

Losing the entire week of rehearsals two weeks before opening is less than ideal. We were supposed to start dress runs this week, but now we haven't tried final costumes, haven't seen the set, haven't done promo photos, and the phones have been down for ticket sales all week.

Some help from St. Genesius would be good right about now.

The cast have been meeting when we can for "line throughs" - which is basically doing a rehearsal sitting down and running lines over and over again. Some might meet over the weekend, but I won't be there because....

4

I'm going on retreat this weekend!

It's my first retreat in over a decade, and I'm looking forward to it. If you'll be at St. John's Abbey in Minnesota this weekend, say hi! 

5

In the spirit of embracing our new state, and getting out of my comfort zone, the two older kids and I started ice skating lessons! I've decided the only overlap in skill set between ballet and ice skating is core control and leg muscles. That's it. 

I have yet to figure out how to balance weight in skates that don't make my feet ache like mad 15 minutes into the lesson. So if you know a trick, send it my way.

6

Can we just talk about how exciting it is to be DONE WITH JANUARY?!

Seriously, this was the longest January of my life.

I have more announcements about changes coming for Spring, that I can hopefully tell you about soon. (I'm the worst at keeping good news secret.)

7

February 1st is St. Brigid's Day! So have a good Irish beer (or at the very least, an amber ale) today. Ya know, for #liturgicalliving.

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

Perhaps I've Been "Mama"ed Out

It's an odd world I inhabit. A world suspended between that of adults and children, workforce and home front, religious and secular. Sometimes it seems like a parallel universe - population 1.
But I can't be alone in straddling these social lines. The idea of being an engaged community member, worker, and friend, while also being a parent and spouse, is not a rare one.

So why does it feel so lonely? Why are so many of us convinced that we are alone in our experience and struggles?

I think it comes down to this: the language we use to speak to, and of, other women, and the simplistic way we think of ourselves and others.

We have "mama"ed ourselves into a hole

There's a right way to be a mother. Or at least there is a little scrap of rules for what a good mother should look like and do in many minds. It normally reads something along the lines of "makes the same choices I have made" irregardless if that is a reasonable expectation.

I saw this in what could only be called "pearl clutching" by some mothers over the second season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
I assumed the hoopla would be over the language and sexual jokes.
But no, that would be your run of the mill pearl clutching, this was a new level.
They were upset that the lead character agrees to go on tour without a pre-laid plan for her children. In fact, every night she spent out pursing comedy as a career might as well have been a personal affront to mothers everywhere. They interpreted another woman's choices, a fictional character mind you, as a method to "make fun of people who value raising children."

No matter that this was an entirely different time and place, or, ya know, fiction. There are rules and standards for what it means to be a good mother, and they just so happen to line up with my own choices, huzzah!

Because we are mama tribe! Mamas unite! Mamas-who-look-and-think-and-do-like-me-because-we-are-the-saviors-of-all!

Y'all, we can't do this and then turn around and complain about burnout and isolation. 

I can't even count how many times I have seen women exclude other women or persist in continuing unhealthy situations. I then watch those same women post sunshine and rainbows, of said situation, on social media. #blessed

This is perhaps one of the few times I think the academic phrase "complicit in their own oppression" is an accurate descriptor.
Women are the ones who have hurled  the most vitriol at me - a stranger on the internet. Women are the ones who have refused to cast me because I'm a mother. Women have made cliques and iced me out of groups I started. Yes, there are bigger factors in all of this, but I don't think they would have as much control if women would stop consenting to be weapons against other women. If women would stop weaponizing against themselves.

The truth is for every possibility automatically eliminated as a potential for another woman leaves another possibility eliminated for herself. Not out of necessity, but out of an oversimplified idea of who she is and who she can be.

There a flatness to this "mama" world. Where we call strangers on the internet "mama" as some form of false unearned intimacy. Where talk of "my mama heart" takes the place of having normal human empathy.
We miss the multi-dimensional whole person that is so desperately desired when discussing children. Children are whole persons. They get to have hopes, dreams, and aspirations. They can to be living, growing, people. Why can't their mothers?

Time to take up some space!

This isn't about being abrasive or confrontational.
It's about not apologizing for being a human being with gifts and wholeness and possibilities!
It's about seeing yourself as a person of worth that is not defined by how well your parenting choices line up with the current fads.

Don't be afraid to wear multiple hats. Sometimes I'm a mom of three at home and up to my eyeballs in constant laundry, books, and cooking. Sometimes I'm a young woman out with friends or attending a talk or performance. I can discuss books, current events, and ideas just as well as I can cooking and parenting.

I'm not doing this to check all the boxes so I can claim "not just a mom". I'm doing this because this is what it means to be honest about who I am: body, heart, mind, and soul.

I long to see more honesty from other women. I long to be more honest myself.

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Related Posts

Authenticity and the Curation of "Real"

Women We Won't See

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What are your thoughts on "mama"isms? How we encourage more multi-dimensional living among parents of young children? What did I leave out here?

When Your Children Inherit Your Struggles

I would wager that the majority of parents have something about themselves they would rather avoid passing down to their kids. Maybe it's a short temper, a struggle with reading, or anxiety.
Mine came unexpectedly because it had never occurred to me it was something that could be passed down.

I have always been on the flexible side, but I chalked it up to having been involved in dance since the age of four. Dancers are just flexible people, right?
But I'm not just your run-of-the-mill flexible. My greatest pregnancy struggle is not nausea or food issues - it's arms and legs that fall out of socket from such basic tasks as lifting a grocery bag or sitting oddly.

In high school I was obnoxiously proud of what I could do. Making pretty stage pictures comes easily when your legs and arms are so hyper-extended. I assumed when I came back to dance after my second child was born that I would have to spend a lot of time getting flexibility back.
Strength needed some work, yes, but flexibility? Apparently those were factory settings.

It never dawned on me that they might be genetic settings.

Our first two babies had some of the traits: turned out hips, tendency to stand with feet turned out, hyper-extended arms.

But nothing like our third baby.

Felicity has all of the hallmarks of hyper-mobility. She could not pull up to stand until almost 15 months because her ankles are so unstable. She struggles to compensate for a body that does not give natural resistance when moving beyond the point of stability.

How I know that struggle! I have to work hard to stay strong enough to not experience frequent dislocations. Wear gloves on my hands to stabilize my finger joints on bad days. A brace on my ankle when working on new turns so I don't sprain it - again. Pay attention to how I walk and stand and sit so I don't accidentally knock something askew.

It hurts. Often. It took many years of trial and error to understand how to minimize injury.

It never occurred to me that I might one day have to translate those solutions to use on my baby.

I know exactly how hard it will be for her. I feel all that pain, and I felt cheated.

Carrying this cross wasn't that big of a deal when it was just me. I can handle pain. I can deal with compensating for the rest of my life. God made me good and stubborn, and I can stubborn my way over many a mountain.

In my head I had made a deal with God: I carry this quietly and it stops here. 
But that wasn't fair.

Because for all the pain and difficulty extreme hyper-mobility can bring, it can also be a blessing.
I don't struggle to move.
I can find a lot of comradery for my freaky talents among fellow dancers - who are often selected because they share these traits.
I have to humble myself enough to ask for help when I need it. The consequences are too high if I fail to let others help.

Struggles, especially life long struggles, can be a magnificent blessing. They change us. They mold us into being people we would never have become otherwise.
Carrying a cross has given me a greater possibility for empathy, and a path for understanding what my own daughter will face.

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To read more about Felicity's story:

Are there crosses in your life that are/could be shared by your children or other family/friends? 

How do you handle it?

When Baby's First Shoes are Prescription

Moms worry. About anything and everything under the sun at some point.
As a society, we're used to it. We expect it. So much so that we tend to ignore motherly worries wholesale - including the ones which should not be ignored.

When our third child took a little longer to get moving than other babies her age, I wasn't worried. Kids develop at different rates, right? Anyway her brother and sister were late walkers too.

But Felicity wasn't moving at all. She could sit, unsupported, by 4 months, and that's where she stayed.
She wasn't rolling, crawling, creeping, scooching, or doing any other method of locomotion.

At 6 months.

At 9 months.

At 12 months.

At her 9 month doctor check up I was worried. But when I mentioned she wasn't crawling yet I was brushed off. Told to wait for the 12 month visit.
So I did, but something didn't feel right about it. 5 months seemed like a long time to go without any gross motor improvement in an infant.

Searching online wasn't much help. Parenting forums are filled with anxious parents concerned about their offspring's progress. Most of the answers involve something along the lines of, "My child wasn't crawling at all at 10 months. Then he started walking out of no where!" Only to mention a comment or two down that "out of nowhere" meant, "after months of extensive OT and PT".

At 11 months I was done with waiting.
Done with getting told that "mothers are often worried too early."
With being told it would be easier for me once I "had more experience with child development" (which apparently two previous children of my own, four younger siblings, and a crowd of nanny and babysitter kids didn't achieve.)
Done with being treated as an anxious worry-wort for having valid concerns.

I put in a referral to our state child development program. It's a long process of: phone evaluation, in person interview, in person evaluation, a meeting to go over the results, a meeting to decide on a plan. THEN we can finally start getting help.

It's not easy to qualify for services in just one developmental category. Felicity really only struggled in gross motor. Her fine motor skills are excellent, she had been using a handful of words for a while, and clearly did not struggle with social or mental skills. She just needed help with gross motor, but she needed it badly.

Bad enough to qualify.

For a child this young, a physical therapist comes to our home once a week. I work with her to create challenges for Felicity that are built into her natural routines, using items we have in the house.

She has made a lot of progress! She started army crawling. Then suddenly was up on her hands and knees crawling. She was pulling up to her knees to get items from the top of the coffee table.

But something still didn't look right.

When Felicity was put in a standing position she would clench her toes like mad, her hips were crazy turned out, and she was not stable on her ankles in the slightest. Even with her increasing muscle strength, she still wasn't getting any more stable on her feet.

The therapist decided it was time to talk about orthotic help.

The appointment to get fitted for ankle orthoses was hard for me. The orthotist noted how incredibly hyper-mobile Felicity is - not just in her ankles but over her whole body. How almost overdeveloped her muscles have become because of her attempts to stabilize her incredibly unstable joints on her own for so long.

It wasn't hard to hear because of how much my baby needed help. It was hard to hear because I should have known better.

I have generalized hyper-mobility.
I have to work hard to stay with a certain level of muscle tone just to keep my pain levels down.
I have to be smart when I move to prevent injury.

How do you respond when your child has inherited your struggles? How to feel when your child is hurting - and you had something to do with it?

More of this story next week!

Because it's getting long...

Update: The follow up is here!