An Acceptable Discrimination - Because I'm a Mother

There are certain things we knowingly, and at least some what willingly, give up to become mothers. For me those were things like getting to go out to a movie with my husband on a whim and sleeping in.

What I didn't expect to give up: respect for my mind, fair consideration, and space to grow my talents.

You see I have the misfortune of having talents, gifts, and loves that just can't be done solo, in my home, during nap time. I'm an actress, dancer, and all around theater person. A fundamental part of all of those things is they must be done in community. It's the nature of the art form. That fact is my downfall.

Because I'm a mother.

Because I'm a mother it's ok to demand that I not practice my skills for five, ten, forever years. "Maybe you can come back when your last kid is in Kindergarten?"

Because I'm a mother it's acceptable to pass me by for roles that I *knew* I was a perfect fit to play. By directors that I had a great relationship with up until the point that they learned my dark secret - my three sweet babies at home.

Because I'm a mother I can't possibly be thinking correctly about the glass ceiling I'm pounding against. Trust me people, it only looks clear to you. It's a stained brick wall to me.

In the theater mothers are invisible. They are the foils, the caricatures, only existing as a figure for a man (or more likely a boy) to rile against. Mothers can come back in their own right when they are "women of a certain age". Older and wiser. Not young and new and messy and dangerous. There's no place for me in that view.

Because I'm a mother I don't see my story told.

I'm told to sit down, keep my head down, accept that some vocations are just incompatible with performing. No one ever thought to ask me what would help.

Plenty of vocations have been thought "incompatible with motherhood" before: academia, full time work, manual work, entrepreneurial work. Each of those industries have gone through a reckoning of sorts, and for many it's not over. The performing arts haven't even started.

I keep talking about it. I keep being honest to anyone and everyone when the subject of my perpetual state of audition season comes up.
My friends and family say, "That's awful."
Theater people say, "That's awful." Because this state of affairs is not even an open secret, but a known fact in the theater.
Everyone knows, but they get to do something denied to me. They get to change the subject.

They can change the subject because this doesn't really impact them.
Leaving out the experience, talents, and stories of a whole class of people? No big deal!

What really saddens me is the complete lack of desire or energy toward changing this state of affairs. How can I tell my daughters "You can grow up to be anything you want" if by "anything" I mean "things socially acceptable to be pursued by women of your demographic."
How can I let this anti-mother prejudice stand without challenge if I want to raise girls to live their callings to the fullest?

Ways you can help

• Patronize shows with equal or greater number of female and male actors. Women can't get cast without female roles, and there is a drought of roles for young women. I seriously might scream if one more theater announces a season with shows of large all-male ensembles.
• Give feedback to your local theaters asking for shows about mothers. You want to know what plays are getting done right now that involve mothering or pregnant characters? Shows about Roe v. Wade. That's right, abortion has the market on stories about mothers right now. If you think women are about more than our reproductive organs, this should concern you. 
• Familiarize yourself with great plays written by female playwrights. There are classics beyond Shakespeare and modern gems that should be more well known. Here's a great list to get you started.
• Think beyond easily distributed art forms. If you are involved in artists groups, or other groups meant to support and build awareness for artists, be they Catholic, local, whatever - include some performing artists, please? I can't tell you how many times I've reached out to Catholic artists groups, etc. and been told "We really focus on those with a product at this time." I'm glad you have space y'all, I am, but can you make some room for the rest of us too?
• Grapple with your own unacknowledged prejudices. Basically, stop thinking anything a woman is called and gifted to do is impossible to reconcile with motherhood. Just stop it. That opinion is almost always formed by a lack of experience with the possibility OR a twisted idea that other women should have to struggle as you have struggled. Either way, not ok. Don't do it.

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I've written about the performing arts a good bit. Here are some highlights.

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What have been the creative ways you have pursued your gifts and talents while living a vocation to motherhood? Have you been supported in that pursuit? What could help you?