I'm a theater person. I've been a dancer, and now also a parent of dancers, for the past 20+ years. That's a long time to be around the performing arts, and I've seen quite a range. Over the past few years, I've gotten a lot of questions from parents wondering about dance schools for their kids. A question that comes up time and again is about modesty.

How do you deal with immodest costumes? What if you don't like the choreography? Can you adapt the costume or uniform?

Here's my radical answer to the whole premise of the question: I don't believe in modesty as a concept for young children. I think it makes far more sense to approach clothing choices for kids by asking if it's age/activity/weather appropriate.

Context first

Going to church requires a very different set of clothing choices from a day in the woods or attending Ballet class. It is not possible to decide what is or isn't age appropriate without first factoring in context.
When we are talking about the dance context, the primary reasons for clothing design are 1) safety and 2) storytelling. In class, the tight fabric allows the teacher to see exactly what the student is doing, and correct any bad habits that are forming. That correction is what prevents injuries. In performance, costumes are designed to tell the story, set the time and place, and clearly indicate character.

Now is there wiggle room? Maybe. There are such things as bad design choices. If a costume is chosen that does not mesh with the age of the dancers, it is a bad choice. But I always approach those conversations from an age appropriate stance instead of one of modesty.

Be Goal Oriented

Why wouldn't I tell that studio director her costume choices are immodest? Because there is no uniform definition of what is modest - especially when you factor in different ages and contexts. We would easily be talking past each other. My goal is not to "win"; my goal is to reach a solution. In order to do that, I need to treat the director/costume designer/whoever is in charge with an understanding for the various factors they are juggling and a desire to be on the same page.

Sometimes it's just not a good fit

Perhaps there's a studio that's very close to you, but they focus on a type of dance that does not fit your taste. If you're not inspired by the end goals of that school, then it's probably not the school for you. If that director thinks two piece costumes that show off little kid tummies are SO CUTE, but you're not down with it - it's probably not the school for you.
Too often people interpret one school being a bad fit to mean that dance as a whole is not a good choice for kids. Please don't make that mistake (but I have a whole piece on it if you want more on that topic.)

What can you do?

Here are some ways I have seen dance schools in particular grow and improve when it comes to age appropriate choices:

• Having all young dancers wear their tights and a nude leotard as a base layer for their costume. They get dressed at home, the costumes get a little extra protection, and changing awkwardness is banished. Yea!
• Some schools have moved to not even having costumes for recitals at all. Instead those are saved for larger performing opportunities, and recitals are done in their regular dance uniforms plus a hair piece or cummerbund. Budget friendly, less waste, and no worry about costume choices.
• Learning stage make up is a necessary skill for a performer. Don't be afraid of it! There are many YouTube videos now for stage make up for the young dancer (including ones for young male dancers). Make up is necessary under stage lights, but lots of places have figured out exactly what is needed and what is not.
• The single most powerful thing for the parent of a little performer to understand is why. Why are things done this way? Why is this useful? What is the end goal that this is all building toward? Some schools offer occasional parent lectures, observation weeks, regular teacher feedback, lending libraries, and other ways for parents to understand what their child is working on.

Modesty is a huge concept! This is a particular area of my experience, but I know many other art forms and schools handle the question of modesty for young kids with very different solutions. What has worked for you? Do you do things different with your own kids than what you had growing up? Did anything I said make you think differently about modesty for young kids?

Them's the Rules - My Clothing and Modesty Rules

The whole month of July is Pants Free July around here!

Granted, every day is basically pants-free for me. I normally wear primarily dresses and skirts for reasons discussed here.

I do have some standard rules/guidelines for creating a wardrobe that works for me.

I do care about modesty, but more in a sense of being comfortable vs. an emphasis on men's perception of my clothing. I value not needing to check if my skirt is riding up or top falling open. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Here's Week 1

My basic rules for buying dresses or skirts:

1. Hits at the knee or below

2. Neckline either naturally rests just below collarbone or can be easily closed with a safety pin

3. It has to further the variety of what I already own

4. Comfortable enough to wear all day long

5. Flattering

The knee length rule is because 1) I've found that to be more flattering on my big dancer thighs, and 2) it's the length least likely to fly up in the wind or ride up when putting the baby on my back.

Neckline for the same comfort reason - stays put in my very physically demanding day.

#3 is about spending money wisely. I don't shop often, but when I do it needs to help add to the variety already present. I will replace certain core wardrobe items (more on those shortly) - but, generally, I try and buy things that are very different in pattern, style, or color.

I don't really change base clothing during the day - just add on jewelry, sweater, or scarf to dress up or warm up as needed. My rule of thumb is it needs to be comfortable in the (likely) event I get stuck under a sleeping child. 

(Or at least it used to be likely. I miss having a baby who likes snuggles! Now I got a toddler who is a fan of the two-second hug.)

Now #5 is not something often thought of when selecting modest clothing, but I contend that modest clothing needs to be flattering. The point here is to feel comfortable and confident, and that's just not going to happen for me if it's not flattering.

Core Wardrobe Items!

The core wardrobe items were something I made up when I was traveling a lot in high school to conferences. I needed to carry the minimum of clothes that could give a lot of outfits, appropriate for varying occasions, and professional in appearance.

Those are:

• Basic Black dress with short sleeves
• Black and White tank tops (for layering)
• Black,White, Red cardigans + at least one other color (I seem to bounce around that other color depending on what clothing I'm working with. Coral and Turquoise are my current colors.)
• Maxi Skirt
• Black Heels 
• Black or neutral color flats
• Neutral color belt

I can get a week's worth of outfits out of this - easily. These are the only things I would potentially replace with an identical item.

Except for the maxi skirt. That would probably get a different color or pattern.

Gotta keep it interesting!

So if I wear skirts and dresses everyday, how do I change it up for Sunday masses?

Basic difference between my daily dress and my Sunday dress are: potential for heels, earrings, for sure makeup (which is a solid maybe every other time), and a veil of some sort when in the Presence of the Eucharist.

It's not strictly necessary to make those changes, but I like making a physical change to prepare for mass. Every mass is a working mass for me - between the kid aerobics at one and singing for the other - making sure I get dressed anyway does a lot for feeling like I actually went to mass.

Here was My Sunday Best for today!

You can't see them well, but earrings are there! The lacy scarf is really my awesome infinity veil from Veils by Lily. (Go for the sewn in clip. Seriously.)

Anyone else have rules for clothing? Don't worry - it's ok not to be this flavor of weird. It's probably better that we not all be Type A.

Next week it's on to creative re-wearing!