Last week I discussed the worth of walking down the wrong path. In that piece I focused more on saying a full yes to one vocation, only to ultimately learn that it was not meant for me. That time spent discerning was a gift instead of a waste.

It's relatively easy to accept that taking a risk on discernment will pay off somehow. But what about when the "wrong road" involves losing a child? What if it means losing multiple children? Was it still worth it?

I've shared a bit about our story from this summer. A very complicated miscarriage in June that didn't end until July when we also had to do surgery to remove a cystic tumor on my ovary (unrelated to miscarriage, I'm just lucky like that.) A subsequent miscarriage in September.

I don't think it truly was a "wrong road" to have been open to those pregnancies, but it was a wrong road in the sense that it did not lead to a living baby as one would hope. Roads that lead to heartache are roads most people would rather not travel. It's not wrong to feel that.

However, I wasn't anticipating how strongly my losses would result in me being avoided. Like miscarriage is catching. Like I have a bad luck virus. Even among women who have had miscarriages, my story is odd. This particular road is rare, and, perhaps the scariest of all, unavoidable.
My losses are not due to any underlying problem we have been able to identify. All three are more than likely due to bad luck. There is nothing I could have done to prevent them. There is nothing to do to avoid losing future children.

That terrifies people.

We don't like it, but it's true - being open to life will entail being open to death. Whether we accept that reality or not. A road that you thought was bordered by sunshine and daisies can turn into a nightmare in an instant. But it's still a grace to be on that road. It is better to have been open to grace and cooperating with it, than to have prevented the heartache with sameness.

Heartache is a reminder of the power and size of your yes. When your heart breaks over a sudden turn in the road, it lets you know how deeply you meant your yes. Heartache is a beautiful reminder that you were willing to become more. More open, more loving, more a follower of Christ. This is not the "be more" of Pinterest inspirational quotes. This is the being more that is our invitation to accept God can do anything. We can be more his on this hard path.

God did not intend for your baby to die. Our God is not a cruel God. I think it's important to lay that out there.
The idea that this road has included loss, or losses, that furthers God's grace does not mean that you should not grieve. If anything it means grief will be so much more real.

A pothole in this road is the temptation to what I call the Pain Olympics. Comparing our pain to be greater than or less than the pain of others, and using that comparison to justify harmful behavior. This is not a healing strategy. The Pain Olympics only hands out loser awards. Even if you "win" it just means you are still hurting. We can do that without belittling the pain of others.

What I don't want to become is bitter on this road. Which does not mean I accept that the people who have reacted hurtfully in this process haven't hurt me. It's right to be hurt by hurtful things. It just means that instead of pretending these awful months didn't happen, I can use this experience to push for change. To allow the next woman walking her sudden wrong road to have someone next to her. To do the little things I can do. Cooperating with God's grace does not have to die with my babies. It can be the ultimate sign of their life.

Was this road worth it? 100% yes. Does it hurt? 100% yes.

Yes is a super power if we allow it to be.

What have been some of your unexpected "wrong roads"? How have you cooperated with Grace?

The Worth of Walking Down the Wrong Road

"I don't want it to have been a waste of time."
"I'm not sure if it will pay off."
"How can I be positive God is calling me?"

These are probably the top three responses I hear in discussions about discernment. They are the same responses when the discussion is about discerning a primary vocation, deciding to start a new venture, or listening for another kind of calling.
The underlying fear is the same: no one wants to start down the wrong road.

But what makes something "the wrong road" when you are choosing between good things?
I think most of us assume that any path that does not end in our eventual calling was a wrong road.
What if God might be calling you to walk one path for a while, but not arrive at your anticipated destination? What if it's not about finding out God's big picture plan, but more of a practice in letting him walk with you on every path?

This changes things. Now it's less about being sure and confident of God's will, and more being willing to come along on the adventure.

There have been two big roads in my life that could have been considered a wrong road, but have been incredibly important in shaping me, my faith life, and my vocation: my time spent discerning a religious vocation, and my miscarriages.

I'll cover the miscarriages in part 2, but I wanted to talk about discerning the religious life in particular today.

I wrote some thoughts on vocations as a wannabe nun called to marriage a while back. A question I got a lot from sharing that story was: Do you regret spending all that time discerning when the answer was no?
No, I think it was still worth doing, and I encourage everyone to discern this particular path if at all possible. I didn't get too far along in the process of actually entering an order, but I have friends who became postulates, took temporary vows, and spent years pursuing the religious life vocation only to discern out. Did they take a "wrong road"?

Religious discernment is not just a single person talking God's ear off until they get a yes or no answer. It involves a deep awareness of self, an honest evaluation of strengths and weaknesses, and relationships with a whole host of people. I think everyone can agree all of those things are well worth doing in order to grow into a mature adult faith. Doing so in a religious community brings with it a fundamentally changed relationship between the discerning person and Jesus and his Church.

When a woman discerns a religious vocation, she is discerning marriage with Jesus. That is, at a basic level, what is happening.
Want to start seeing God as a person and not just a far off in the sky being? Try dating him.
To discern out means reaching a point where Jesus lets you know that you are not meant to become a Bride of Christ. It's awful and wonderful.

Those of us who discerned out will forever have a relationship with Jesus that has a different kind of intimacy. I have personally found a connection with others who discerned the religious life. There is a grace that comes from the act of putting the question to God "Is this what you want of me?"

Regrets don't come from the good you were open to pursuing, they come from failing to ask the question out of fear of the what ifs.

Check back next week for Part 2 and what this all means when applied to being open to life and losing your baby. Especially multiple times.

Missing Out?

It's summer, for now.

It's marching on to back to school time.

It feels a little like the world is sailing by, and maybe, just maybe, you feel like you missed out.

This feeling probably comes up a lot. Sometimes in little ways - sneaking in via your friend's vacation photos or sitting silently in a discussion of the latest TV show/movie/book you haven't seen or read.
Sometimes it's in big ways. The pregnancy announcements that pop up after yet another negative test. The supportive/non-destructive in-laws your friends have that just aren't in the cards for you.

Well meaning friends and family try to tell you that "your time will come" or "it will happen for you."
Let's be honest here, it might not.

That life ideal that you are hoping and dreaming and working toward? It might not happen. At least not in the way you initially pictured.

It's a fine line between accepting the reality that your dream might not happen and wallowing in it. It's so easy to think "why bother?" if your goal might be unattainable.

I'm completely guilty of this too. Back in May I was thinking I would be wrapping up my show toward the end of June. Then it would be an open summer of family fun, weekend adventures, and time to catch up with all the friends I haven't seen over the past many months of theater work. I would be showing more in my pregnancy by then, so theater auditions for the late summer and fall were off the table.

Then I started bleeding on June 1st. Suddenly all those plans I made around the assumption there would be prenatal appointments, a 20 week scan, and a kicking baby, died.

Then six weeks later it still wasn't over. Last week I had to have a D&C anyway (which makes my miscarriage longer than the time I was pregnant by more than two weeks, y'all.)
They found a badly behaved ovarian cystic tumor too. Thankfully benign.
But that surgery means I will have officially been miscarrying and recovering the entire summer. I'm not allowed to go in lakes or pools. I can't train at the level I need to in order to get back out on the audition circuit.

It is so stinking easy to wallow. To hate what my life is this summer. To be frustrated with God. To desire desperately to know why.
But none of that will change my fantastically unlucky roll of the biological dice.

So instead I'm trying to do what I can.
I can't train my body, but I can train my mind. The library is my favorite online shopping.
I can't swim or do any summer water sports, but I can visit the lake and enjoy it anyway.
I'm not traveling anywhere, but I can make myself a fun new cocktail and have a little porch vacation after kids are in bed.

I don't have much agency over my body right now, but I can do many other things. There are still things to learn, people to meet, dreams to have, and hopes to nurture.

Find what you can do out of where you are right now. Your friends aren't having a great summer at you, but they might not know how to be with you. Grow your base of interests and reach out from there.
Don't hate unfollow because the comparison struggle runs deep. See if there is a gem of an idea you can use from that person.
Live your life on the margins of what you think is possible. No one gets stronger from playing it safe and familiar.

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How to Self-Help Without the Self-Loathing

We've all heard it. The how-I-became-a-better-person story in every self-help genre book. It normally starts with a tale of woe about how awful they were, how not enough, how behind, and how horrible the world was for them.
Maybe it's true, maybe some people have to hit their own rock bottom before making a change. But every time I read these stories I wonder how much more encouraging they would be if the self-loathing wasn't such an integral starting point?

Like what would happen if women (because let's be real, that's the typical target audience of these stories) could hear story after story of people making a change in their life out of a place of acceptance?
What if instead of fad dieting, in its many forms, we ate food for nourishment and in connection with other people?
Couldn't there be balance in our activities?
Making a change out of a desire to grow, instead of a desire to run away from our now-selves?

I think what's missing from most of the writing of self-help authors is a knowledge of the goodness and inherent dignity of each person. They're missing God.
Which isn't to say they don't respect the people they are writing for - clearly they think we are capable of becoming more than what we are. They just miss the point where without an understanding of the humanity end game, it's very hard to travel to that destination.

Most self help books fail to answer why we should want become what the author is proposing. Yes, sometimes it's wrapped up in studies showing why we should make this change, but those are often less convincing when investigated. Too often the author is arguing we should remake ourselves in their own image.

I have a favorite quote from St. Anthony of Padua on the subject - yes the guy you pray to to help you find lost stuff.  Many don't know that St. Anthony was a prolific writer, and we still have many of his homilies and talks. He has a beautiful perspective on how to approach becoming our best selves:

"Do you want to have God always in your mind? Be just as he made you to be. Do not go seeking another ‘you’. Do not make yourself otherwise than he made you. Then you will always have God in mind."

Oh how wonderfully freeing! 

What St. Anthony gets, and most self-help books don't, is in order to become our truest selves we must have a complete understanding of reality. An understanding of truth that leads us to see ourselves completely and fully as who we are. We have to seek ourselves to seek God, and seek God as we seek ourselves.

That means we can't buy someone else's prepackaged wellness religion. We can't shut off whole parts of ourselves. It often means leading a very different life from our friends and loved ones.

But we get something so much better.

We get to love others without the comparison, envy, and eventually hatred that comes from loathing ourselves. 

We get to take perfection out of its oppressive, perverted, usage and reclaim it for it's truth - that seeking perfection is seeking God who is perfect. 

We can take all of the anxiety and worry and pressures we have heaped on our shoulders, and notice that it's never been our burden. That was never meant to be there.

We are meant for love, we are meant for God, and we are meant to be who were created to be.

Thankfully, God is patient. He lets it be a process. I have all the leeway in the world to get frustrated, angry, and just done with trying. He lets me be sorry. He lets me stand up and try again. He's infinitely patient, infinitely good.

Seeking his path and truth is the image I want to discover in myself. It does take work. It does take effort. It sometimes looks like getting my butt to the gym and eating well. It does mean making time to read and continuing to nurture my mind. But that only stays helpful if I am seeking the me God sees. Because I am already who he loves - this isn't about making myself good enough for God. It's about learning to see myself in God's truth.

That's real self-help.

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The Power of the True Story

Have you ever considered how many stories were instrumental in shaping your family, neighborhood, environment, and your personal experience? How many of those stories left their mark but were not told to you?

The families that have lived in your home before you.
The parishioners who built your church.
The long gone loved ones who changed the people who raised you.

In the true story, the lived story, there are true surprises. Little details can really surprise the main characters.
I'm an awful theater person when watching a play or movie. I'm always on the look out for the whys. In a scene that has been edited, work shopped, rehearsed, and choreographed - nothing happens without a reason. It's nearly always possible for me to get a scene or two ahead in the story just by paying attention to the little details.

But in real life those little details have unforeseeable and lasting consequences. They can't always be anticipated even by the most observant person.

Those little, personal, details manage to speak to seemingly unrelated stories. The story of the mom going through chemotherapy while homeschooling her kids can speak deeply to the story of the mom experiencing Hyperemesis Gravidarum with young children at home. Yes, their experiences are not identical, but both are going through a time of intense life change that is largely outside of their ability to control. There are multiple subjects within their stories that ARE shared: coping strategies, emotional and physical care coordination, keeping kids busy when you have intense needs.

The true story remains true, even when the specifics diverge. That means the story of a person who looks radically different from me can still speak to my life and struggles.

How cool is that?!

Once you start to gain an appreciation for the true story, it becomes a lot harder to shut people out. Because all of those people can now potentially speak to your story, despite what appears to be polar opposite situations. No longer can you compare the checklist of external identifiers to determine if this person has anything to share that will speak to your life. It makes telling these true stories, discovering the personal side of history and society, an extremely powerful tool for building empathy and entering into communion with each other.

Telling a story is not just about the subject of the story - it also tells a lot about the storyteller. I am not going to tell a story in exactly the same way as you might. Different aspects will speak strongly to me that might not have even been noticeable to you. The aspects of a story that I choose to highlight say a lot about what I see as important and how I view the subject of the story. When I write about a priest who was murdered by the KKK or a woman who became a modern day anchoress, I'm not trying to write the most accurate story possible (even though everything is accurate to the best of my knowledge), I am writing to convey something I find important within this person's life story.

The historical is personal, for history is made up of the story of persons. It lets us practice seeing the trials and surprises of life in a bigger context. In the context of the human story.

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Some updates.

I have LOVED writing the Cool Historic Catholics of America series. But I don't know if y'all have noticed, but it's going to take a looooooong time to release all 51 stories via blog posts. Even with doing 3-4 at a time. Like over a year long.

Before starting to write this series, I did identify someone for each of the 50 states plus Washington DC. If your state hasn't come up yet, I DO have someone for you.

I want to finish telling you some of the stories of Catholics and the Catholic story in the US, but I am going to pause and rethink how best to do that. Stay tuned!

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If you follow me on Facebook or especially Instagram you have probably heard that we recently lost our baby (and that pregnancy announcement was the last thing I published on this blog). Recovery is very long and slow, and it's going to be a little touch and go for a bit here. I am still active and writing when I am up to it. If you're interested in updates, most of those will probably be on Instagram and sometimes Facebook.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out, prayed, showed up. Just all of it. Thank you.

A Young Parent Response to the Church Abuse Crisis

Yesterday, an article was published by The Atlantic about how parents are responding to the abuse crisis within the Catholic Church. I was interviewed for the article, but I was still surprised, and sometimes shocked, by what my fellow parents had to say.

Age is a Factor

I was the youngest person interviewed, at 28, and I want to talk about something that has come up repeatedly in the past months of grappling with the crisis. 2002 seems to be a dividing line in the young Catholic experience - in the same way the 2009 crash is a dividing line in our generational experience of employment.

If you were a child at the time of the 2002 scandal breaking, a first feeling seems to be more on the side of anger and a call for justice. We were the kids who were old enough to see and hear about what was going on, but too young to do much about it. We came of age into a world that was formed by that crisis.
Those who were teens or adults in 2002 seem to be reacting very differently. I've found many of the parents older than me to be apathetic or downright antagonistic toward discussing the Church crisis. Many have told me that "it doesn't concern them."

Obviously there are exceptions to both of these generalizations, but it's enough of a pattern that I think it should be noticed and understood if we are going to do a better job this time around. Maybe good enough to mean there won't need to be a next time.

Responses can not be just about my family and my kids. 

Back in September I wrote for YA Respond that our response, as parents, cannot be just about MY family and MY kids.

 "We cannot retreat and focus solely on ourselves and our families as a means of protecting our families. Our families have already been violated.

The survivors are not distant people - they ARE family. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ. If we truly mean to follow Jesus, we must follow him when he says "Love one another as I have loved you."

It's important to raise your own kids to be strong in their intellectual understanding of faith, healthy boundaries, etc. Absolutely! But it's not enough. We must all look, and work, beyond familial ties in this narrow sense if we are going to honestly be Church.

Stop buying into, and propagating, the lies of factionalism.

This is my fancy way of saying “quit thinking that people who look/think/do like you are unlikely to be abusers or abusees.”

Seriously, stop it.

One quote that shocked and appalled me from The Atlantic article was this one from Chris Meyerle's interview. "The way a priest says Mass, Mayerle believes, is one clue to his personality, and that plays a role in whether or not Mayerle will trust him."
"... One of the things we look for is when they do things the way they’re supposed to. In other words, they’re obedient—it means they’re probably obedient to their vows also. When they just start winging it, it means they view themselves as their own authority, which I don’t think is healthy."

I've heard this before from self-identified traditionalist Catholics, and other identity factions within the Catholic Church. Maybe there's something to it. Maybe that priest might be safer.

But what has been made clear through investigations, like the John Jay Report, is that there is no standard profile of a priest likely to abuse. Just like in the secular world, predators are smart and can blend in. They could be anyone, anywhere - even your Latin mass saying priest who loves all the smells and bells.

I don't say this to be alarmist, but to convey what I have learned from the stories that survivors have told me over the past few months. Many repeated that they think they were targeted, in part, because they believed abuse couldn't happen.
Because he was a good priest.
Because they were a smart person.
Because it only happened to altar boys in the 1960s.
Ultimately, believing that a category of person cannot be an abuser, in my opinion, makes you and yours an easier abuse target. You have made a nice wide blindspot for yourself. Those blindspots of unfounded beliefs are what predators hope to find. Falling for this lie, and propagating it, is dangerous and reckless.

Survivors might look like anyone

I've heard many Catholics speak recklessly about the abuse crisis, and I'm starting to wonder if it's because they have never met a survivor - that they know of. You might be surprised at who they are. They’re not all angry old ex-altar boys. They can be older women, young women, young men, seminarians, even priests themselves. Their abuse might have been decades ago, it might have been last week.

Abuse is appalling in all situations, and it’s never our place to judge if someone was abused enough or if they really were victimized. Maybe you believe that any adult who gets in an abusive situation was somehow reckless or asking for it (real comments from real people, everybody.) But frankly you don't know what you don't know.
If someone decides to trust you enough to open up to you with their story, the best response you can give is "I believe you." Let the police sort out validity, etc. Your job is to hear and love that person - not to pass judgement on their story.

Be aware when you talk about the abuse crisis, there might very well be someone in the room with a personal experience. Let’s try to act in that awareness.

What we should do

• Listen. If you have no first experience with abuse - congratulations. But you will probably have to work more actively to cultivate empathy for those with that experience. All of us, myself included, can work on becoming better listeners for those who need our humanity.
• Find a way to make space for victim/survivors. We talk about how the poor have a special claim on us as Christians. Survivors/victims of clergy abuse have an even more personal claim. Often they are fellow Catholics abused within the church. We have a personal obligation to them, as our brothers and sisters, to minister to them in love and facilitate healing - full stop. Not if we feel personally called. Not if it happens to come up. Not if it is convenient. If you are a faithful Catholic, these are your people and your family who have been hurt so deeply by those in our family. It doesn’t get more personal, urgent, and necessary than that.
• If your parish/pastor isn’t making active moves toward healing, openness, and discussion of the crisis, talk to him. You have a claim on your pastor to remind him to minister to his full flock - not just the 10% who run the ship. He might need someone to give him that boost of confidence to do this part of pastoring well.
• Talk about the good things that ARE happening. Right now there are lay people all over the country, and the world, working on creative responses to the crisis. Let's talk to each other! There is no need for us all the re-invent the wheel individually. Let people know what you are doing, what worked, what didn't, what you learned. We all need the encouragement of collective effort to make real, on going, change in our ability to love and be Church for each other.

I would love to hear your thoughts on The Atlantic article, and what I had to say here! What have you noticed? What is good that is happening in your diocese or parish? What still needs to happen? 

If you are one of the people who have shared your story with me in the past, Thank You! From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your openness and willingness to teach me in sharing your story.

Perhaps I've Been "Mama"ed Out

It's an odd world I inhabit. A world suspended between that of adults and children, workforce and home front, religious and secular. Sometimes it seems like a parallel universe - population 1.
But I can't be alone in straddling these social lines. The idea of being an engaged community member, worker, and friend, while also being a parent and spouse, is not a rare one.

So why does it feel so lonely? Why are so many of us convinced that we are alone in our experience and struggles?

I think it comes down to this: the language we use to speak to, and of, other women, and the simplistic way we think of ourselves and others.

We have "mama"ed ourselves into a hole

There's a right way to be a mother. Or at least there is a little scrap of rules for what a good mother should look like and do in many minds. It normally reads something along the lines of "makes the same choices I have made" irregardless if that is a reasonable expectation.

I saw this in what could only be called "pearl clutching" by some mothers over the second season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
I assumed the hoopla would be over the language and sexual jokes.
But no, that would be your run of the mill pearl clutching, this was a new level.
They were upset that the lead character agrees to go on tour without a pre-laid plan for her children. In fact, every night she spent out pursing comedy as a career might as well have been a personal affront to mothers everywhere. They interpreted another woman's choices, a fictional character mind you, as a method to "make fun of people who value raising children."

No matter that this was an entirely different time and place, or, ya know, fiction. There are rules and standards for what it means to be a good mother, and they just so happen to line up with my own choices, huzzah!

Because we are mama tribe! Mamas unite! Mamas-who-look-and-think-and-do-like-me-because-we-are-the-saviors-of-all!

Y'all, we can't do this and then turn around and complain about burnout and isolation. 

I can't even count how many times I have seen women exclude other women or persist in continuing unhealthy situations. I then watch those same women post sunshine and rainbows, of said situation, on social media. #blessed

This is perhaps one of the few times I think the academic phrase "complicit in their own oppression" is an accurate descriptor.
Women are the ones who have hurled  the most vitriol at me - a stranger on the internet. Women are the ones who have refused to cast me because I'm a mother. Women have made cliques and iced me out of groups I started. Yes, there are bigger factors in all of this, but I don't think they would have as much control if women would stop consenting to be weapons against other women. If women would stop weaponizing against themselves.

The truth is for every possibility automatically eliminated as a potential for another woman leaves another possibility eliminated for herself. Not out of necessity, but out of an oversimplified idea of who she is and who she can be.

There a flatness to this "mama" world. Where we call strangers on the internet "mama" as some form of false unearned intimacy. Where talk of "my mama heart" takes the place of having normal human empathy.
We miss the multi-dimensional whole person that is so desperately desired when discussing children. Children are whole persons. They get to have hopes, dreams, and aspirations. They can to be living, growing, people. Why can't their mothers?

Time to take up some space!

This isn't about being abrasive or confrontational.
It's about not apologizing for being a human being with gifts and wholeness and possibilities!
It's about seeing yourself as a person of worth that is not defined by how well your parenting choices line up with the current fads.

Don't be afraid to wear multiple hats. Sometimes I'm a mom of three at home and up to my eyeballs in constant laundry, books, and cooking. Sometimes I'm a young woman out with friends or attending a talk or performance. I can discuss books, current events, and ideas just as well as I can cooking and parenting.

I'm not doing this to check all the boxes so I can claim "not just a mom". I'm doing this because this is what it means to be honest about who I am: body, heart, mind, and soul.

I long to see more honesty from other women. I long to be more honest myself.

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Related Posts

Authenticity and the Curation of "Real"

Women We Won't See

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What are your thoughts on "mama"isms? How we encourage more multi-dimensional living among parents of young children? What did I leave out here?

Rise of the Catholic Guru

I grew up in the Bible Belt. In the heart of Texas where our megachurches are numerous and anti-Catholicism barely shaded. The ridiculous claims of prosperity gospel Christianity were clear even to eleven year old me. I took comfort in the assurance that this sideshow Christianity was not Catholicism.
I was so sure that Catholics were inoculated from falling for such antics due to our magisterial teaching, handy millennia of writings, our leadership, and history of great thinkers.

Well the revelations of the summer seem to have changed the waters for my perspective. Lately I have noticed a rise of the Catholic guru.

What I mean by "guru" is someone who has a platform and uses that platform to broadcast their particular perspective without nuance. What makes a guru, in my mind, versus a public Catholic is a guru has a worrying grip on their audience. A guru is capable of making wild claims and has so conditioned their audience that those claims will be upheld, even by otherwise reasonable people.

I have had faithful Catholic women tell me that "NFP is overused" based on the claims of a priest YouTuber. Never mind that there is absolutely no way to back up such a claim. Unless they know of some Registry of Adequate Discernment that I have never heard about.

Other ridiculous claims have been: mental illness is caused by a lack of prayer, working mothers are incurring mortal sin, priests decorating gingerbread houses are not being men, and Joseph was the real person in charge of Mary's uterus.
And these are the examples I have heard passively in the past WEEK. I did not even go hunting for these, y'all.

But why now? While it's not fair to entirely blame the rise of the Catholic guru on the Church crisis, it's certainly not without impact.

The ongoing crisis has led to a crisis of trust. Not necessarily faith, but trust in being told the fullness of truth as the extent of the cover-up continues to roll. Many Catholics have been swimming in search of someone willing to tell them how to think about this. Sometimes that process has been healthy - such as being led to really grapple with and learn the teachings of the Church, perhaps for the first time as an adult. But others have fallen into the clutches of a Catholic guru.

Catholic gurus might be ordained people or laity.

Converts or cradle Catholics.

Bloggers, YouTubers, Podcasters, Authors, etc.

Which means...there is no one profile of a Catholic guru. Not all priests with a YouTube channel could be called a Catholic guru. Just as not all Catholic moms with a blog are automatically not a guru.

Now what to do if you realize you have been duped by one of these figures? Pushing back when they cross a line is a good first choice. Message them, email them, let them know why what they said is not ok.

I have chosen not to link to many of the specific instances I have mentioned here in order to not reward the publicity greed that probably contributed to the outlandish claims. Lessening their reach as long as these figures continue this behavior is a loving choice.

Tell other people what attracted you about this person, but also address why they should not be taken wholesale. If you have been recommending this person for a while, it's honest to set the record straight if you can. Very smart people can be taken in by guru strategies.

God is good and gave us such wonderful gifts intellect, critical thinking, and a propensity to seek truth. He wants more for us than being the sheep of a Catholic guru. He wants us to follow Christ. Christ is the literal Word of God. He is love incarnate. He is truth.
These Catholic gurus might temporarily make you feel better, there's a reason they attracted you in the first place! But our hearts should be turned toward truth, and not the perversion of truth espoused by gurus.

Have you seen the impact of a Catholic guru? What did you do? 

Have you been taken in by one of these figures? How did you change your thinking?

An Acceptable Discrimination - Because I'm a Mother

There are certain things we knowingly, and at least some what willingly, give up to become mothers. For me those were things like getting to go out to a movie with my husband on a whim and sleeping in.

What I didn't expect to give up: respect for my mind, fair consideration, and space to grow my talents.

You see I have the misfortune of having talents, gifts, and loves that just can't be done solo, in my home, during nap time. I'm an actress, dancer, and all around theater person. A fundamental part of all of those things is they must be done in community. It's the nature of the art form. That fact is my downfall.

Because I'm a mother.

Because I'm a mother it's ok to demand that I not practice my skills for five, ten, forever years. "Maybe you can come back when your last kid is in Kindergarten?"

Because I'm a mother it's acceptable to pass me by for roles that I *knew* I was a perfect fit to play. By directors that I had a great relationship with up until the point that they learned my dark secret - my three sweet babies at home.

Because I'm a mother I can't possibly be thinking correctly about the glass ceiling I'm pounding against. Trust me people, it only looks clear to you. It's a stained brick wall to me.

In the theater mothers are invisible. They are the foils, the caricatures, only existing as a figure for a man (or more likely a boy) to rile against. Mothers can come back in their own right when they are "women of a certain age". Older and wiser. Not young and new and messy and dangerous. There's no place for me in that view.

Because I'm a mother I don't see my story told.

I'm told to sit down, keep my head down, accept that some vocations are just incompatible with performing. No one ever thought to ask me what would help.

Plenty of vocations have been thought "incompatible with motherhood" before: academia, full time work, manual work, entrepreneurial work. Each of those industries have gone through a reckoning of sorts, and for many it's not over. The performing arts haven't even started.

I keep talking about it. I keep being honest to anyone and everyone when the subject of my perpetual state of audition season comes up.
My friends and family say, "That's awful."
Theater people say, "That's awful." Because this state of affairs is not even an open secret, but a known fact in the theater.
Everyone knows, but they get to do something denied to me. They get to change the subject.

They can change the subject because this doesn't really impact them.
Leaving out the experience, talents, and stories of a whole class of people? No big deal!

What really saddens me is the complete lack of desire or energy toward changing this state of affairs. How can I tell my daughters "You can grow up to be anything you want" if by "anything" I mean "things socially acceptable to be pursued by women of your demographic."
How can I let this anti-mother prejudice stand without challenge if I want to raise girls to live their callings to the fullest?

Ways you can help

• Patronize shows with equal or greater number of female and male actors. Women can't get cast without female roles, and there is a drought of roles for young women. I seriously might scream if one more theater announces a season with shows of large all-male ensembles.
• Give feedback to your local theaters asking for shows about mothers. You want to know what plays are getting done right now that involve mothering or pregnant characters? Shows about Roe v. Wade. That's right, abortion has the market on stories about mothers right now. If you think women are about more than our reproductive organs, this should concern you. 
• Familiarize yourself with great plays written by female playwrights. There are classics beyond Shakespeare and modern gems that should be more well known. Here's a great list to get you started.
• Think beyond easily distributed art forms. If you are involved in artists groups, or other groups meant to support and build awareness for artists, be they Catholic, local, whatever - include some performing artists, please? I can't tell you how many times I've reached out to Catholic artists groups, etc. and been told "We really focus on those with a product at this time." I'm glad you have space y'all, I am, but can you make some room for the rest of us too?
• Grapple with your own unacknowledged prejudices. Basically, stop thinking anything a woman is called and gifted to do is impossible to reconcile with motherhood. Just stop it. That opinion is almost always formed by a lack of experience with the possibility OR a twisted idea that other women should have to struggle as you have struggled. Either way, not ok. Don't do it.

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I've written about the performing arts a good bit. Here are some highlights.

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What have been the creative ways you have pursued your gifts and talents while living a vocation to motherhood? Have you been supported in that pursuit? What could help you?

Caring About It All When You Don't Have Answers

There always seems to be something, doesn't it? Always something to be outraged about, annoyed by. Something that needs correcting. It's natural to feel burned out, tuned out, and tempted to numbness. But I don't think Jesus calls his disciples to become numb to pain or to silence righteous anger. Here's five ways we can care about it all, even, and especially, when we don't have the answers.

1 Clean your own house first

It's so much easier to be angry and correct "those" people. Those others. Those guys who aren't us.
Case in point: #postcardsformacon. Yes, the French president was a misogynist jerk to make that kind of blanket claim. He should be called out on that. But I saw post after post after post about THAT and crickets about the issues in our own Catholic Church.

Was not another Catholic woman upset that in that same week as Macon's comments we had multiple comments from Bishops claiming that women can be represented at the Synod without the vote? This is a Synod talking about vocational discernment, and women make up 80% of consecrated people in the Church. But not a single one can vote?

Before we get on this comfortable pedestal about how much more enlightened we are than the French president about the value of women in all areas, we need to notice the log in our own eye.

2 Be aware of your own baggage

Are there issues that you react to without thinking critically? I sincerely doubt any person can say an honest no to that question.
We all have our own prejudices and personal orthodoxies. It's not bad to let your history and experiences shape your perception, but it is bad to not be aware of the impact of your baggage.

For instance, I know that I need to wait a beat before talking about breastfeeding. I suffered under the "breast is best" message - to the detriment of my own health and that of my first two babies. I want desperately to prevent any other woman from going through that, but I must make sure I first understand what a mother is asking when she talks to me about breastfeeding difficulties.

Sometimes she doesn't want me to say anything, she just wants to tell another human being her honest struggles. Sometimes she wants me to point her in the direction of help. Sometimes she wants someone to tell her it's ok to do something different.

If I told every woman who talks to me about her struggles with breastfeeding to "just formula feed like me!" I would be an awful friend. That is tempting, having the answer feels good, but I have to keep my own baggage in check to be present to the other person.

3 Righteous Anger is not "emoting"

There is a bias toward stoicism in Western culture. We tend to think of the sterile and detached perceptions as the correct ones. If there is a whiff of intensity, we are told to "not be so emotional".
But emotional intensity does not necessarily equal "emoting". Emotional intensity can be an appropriate reaction to a great evil.

Emotions get associated with women, non-white cultures, and other people who generally not been welcomed in the public discussion sphere. I have experienced a group policing of other's emotionally charged reactions. Because the intensity of one might impact us all.
We wouldn't want those in charge to see the true impact of their choices. Let's keep that quiet.
And then we wonder how abuse and evil could possibly have been allowed to fester.

Don't be afraid of big emotions! But harness them. Let them out and look behind them to see what is informing them. Don't train your body not to be upset about upsetting things. 

4 Others can care more than you, but you don't get to not care

Sometimes the current outrage is outside of your range of experience. That's ok.
Maybe you have not personally experienced sexual abuse or systemic discrimination. It can feel overwhelming to process the reactions of people who have experienced something so far away from your own life events.

But it's important not to let the people who have lived through something awful to confront that awfulness alone. Christians are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. It's not optional to be unaware of the evils of the world.

5 Self care is important, but do it well

Self care is a concept that I hear many women struggle to reconcile with the sheer amount of demands in their lives. Because to give something to yourself, you must take away from someone else, right?
I don't think self care has to come from a zero sum game. I think there are more choices within our days than we give ourselves license to notice. But not everything we do in the name of self care is a healthy choice.

I hear many people say they no longer keep up with news. They honestly have no idea what is going on the in the world, their city, their community. Yes, it's probably mentally healthy not to be glued to our 24-hour news cycle, but it's not community building to have it's members be oblivious to issues.

Healthy self care, like most things in life, rests in the happy, yet uncomfortable, middle. Maybe you need to take a few days set aside to not be connected to news, but then you can come back from that ready to keep your news consumption within limited hours. The goal is to avoid extremism while still being informed enough to have productive conversations that have the power to move the conversation forward. We can't do that if community members don't even know there is a problem to discuss.


All of this is not to say that there can't be diversity in our reactions, responses, and concerns.
Not every single person is called to be an organizer, a writer, a speaker, a public doer.
But we are all called to love and be connection with each other.
That calling means caring. Even when we don't want to hear it or think there is nothing we can do.

What do you wish you could see discussed more often among Catholic women? Is there something that has been sitting on your heart that you wish you could share more openly?

Um, Why Aren't We More Concerned About This Synod?

Many Catholics questioned the wisdom of continuing with the Synod on Young People, the Faith, and Vocational Discernment. We are in the middle on an ongoing, world wide, crisis of abuse and it's cover up. That seems to fundamentally impact the very people this Synod is meant to address - a concern shared by some bishops. But the Synod has been in the works for so long, better not to stand in front of that train. At least it couldn't cause harm, right?

Well, that remains to be seen.

As a young Catholic woman, this Synod has given me some serious concerns about the Vatican's ability or inclination to work with women within the Church.

Even though 80% of consecrated people are women, they are not represented among those with voting power at the Synod. In stark contrast, brothers, who share the same canonical status as religious sisters ARE afforded a vote. This is not a question of ordination or Canon Law. This is a direct discrimination based solely on gender.

I love the Church, and I believe in it's teachings, but I want to remind my fellow Catholics that we are not required to believe and support every little nuance of how things have been done. If it is not a matter of Faith and Morals, faithful Catholics are fully allowed to disagree.

I am exhausted by the commentary on this issue of overt exclusion of women that is often ended by "let's hope and pray that we can do things differently in the future." Often a reminder that we shouldn't get angry about this injustice is thrown in there for good measure.

Frankly, if this situation doesn't upset you I am a little concerned for you.

I understand crisis fatigue, the desire to talk about good things for a change, and the apathy that sets in after watching the bumbling attempts at damage control by the hierarchy - instead of the kind loving guidance of a father that we are due. However, I believe we have good reason not to place our trust in the same men who failed to amend and render justice in the Church when they said they did over a decade ago. An attempt that still came decades too late.

When the reasoning for why women religious superior generals cannot vote, but brother superiors may, relies on numerous people overlooking women because "They haven’t been used to thinking this way" I don't think the hierarchy is ready for their relating to women training wheels to come off just yet.

I keep speaking up, and writing, and talking to people, about the crisis and the reality of the Church because I understand that that is what it means to be a faithful Catholic woman right now. It's not a nice option if it's something you feel called to do. It is abundantly clear that the men of our Church might desire to do the right thing, but they cannot do it if we don't tell them what we need and hold them accountable.

It is very easy for little voices to be silenced. It is so simple to be apathetic and allow for injustice to continue it's course. How nice it would be for Someone Else to stick their neck out as a sacrificial lamb for ourselves.

Oh wait, Jesus did.
Jesus already came and provided an open path for salvation. But we have free will, and we have to cooperate with grace.

I hate to be a debby downer, but sanctifying grace is not known for it's warm fuzzies. You probably aren't going to feel good. You might not see an immediate result. But refusing grace is not an option if we wish to be disciples.

If we love Jesus, we must love his Church. The most loving thing to do in the face of injustice is not to enable it. To call it what it is by name, and to push for the good. For a Church to be what she preaches.

Men, we need you to listen to women and see injustice too. The beauty of talking about reality is it is ready and available for anyone to see if they merely look.
Women, we need to speak to each other and educate ourselves. Keeping up to date on what is happening in the Church is necessary if we are to have productive conversations.

UPDATE: I was reminded that the superiors general of the Dominicans, Jesuits, and Conventual Franciscans, all voting members of the Synod, are calling for the inclusion of women voters, and that the men's Union of Superiors General has been sending non-ordained representatives as voting representatives since 2015. This synod was the opportunity for a change at a later synod.

Was any of this news for you? How can you become involved in discussions that move the Church forward, whatever your state in life?

Let's Talk About "It's a Season"

Seasons of life. It's a convenient image, and one that can take some of the stress out of a difficult time - after all, seasons come and go.
Where I get concerned is when "season of life" is claimed in a less temporary manner. When a hard season is really survival mode that stretches into indefinite lengths.

It's not a "season" if it can reasonably last over a decade! If Winter lasted as long as the young child rearing time of life for many of us, we wouldn't be saying "It's just a season." We would call it a Little Ice Age, and we would be talking about how troubling it is and what we can do to change things.

But perhaps that's the point - not to change things. To accept that we are powerless over our own lives, and enforce that between each other, by proclaiming overwhelm, burn out, and isolation as the natural components of "this season of life." After all, the narrative of "I can't" began with that first positive pregnancy test.

We all know there are things pregnant women must avoid for the safety of themselves and their unborn children. But not all recommendations are grounded in good evidence, and some beliefs have no grounding at all. Things like avoiding bicycle riding and other aerobic exercise. Exercise is not contraindicated for pregnant women as a group, just those with particular conditions, yet my dancing Ballet while pregnant was continuously noted to be an unnecessary risk.

The avoidance of risk can became a way to feel in control of an out of control process. If you check all the boxes and do everything perfectly, you're guaranteed to have a healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby. Right? Eventually we can start to think the guidelines work like magic - fulfill them and you will receive their promises.

But life is inherently risky! Loving is risky. Living is risky. The Cross is about as risky as it gets.

Sometimes avoiding risk can look like taking up our cross. We can proclaim how we live out our vocation as young mothers by proclaiming "I do small things!" Which it true, and good, and beautiful. Much of the work needed in this world is considered a small thing.
Where I have issues with it is when "I do small things!" becomes "I can only do small things."

We start to shrink our own possibilities, and the opportunities to say yes to what God might be asking of us.

What has been your experience with discussions about "seasons of life"? 

Has this term been helpful or limiting for you?

How Are We Teaching Our Girls to Live as Catholic Women?

There's something off about how we speak to girls about their futures in the Church.

We say "The world needs what women are" but it is women themselves who shoot down other women.

We say "Women need to be part of the decision making process in the Church" but the questions about which decisions, exactly, go quietly unanswered.

We say "Women play a vital role in the life and hands of the Church" but are we treating the formation of our future Catholic women as vital or is it more of an afterthought?

I see this in many parishes manifesting as a lack of strong formation, or even social, programs specifically for girls. Vocations discernment programs largely being aimed at future priests, not future nuns or sisters.
Girls get the message - I am on my own here.

But we try and catch them later! We see adult women struggling to find their place in the Church, to fulfill their vocation, to understand their faith heritage. We try to offer studies, groups, lectures, events.
Yet we do it poorly so much of the time.

I don't know about my fellow women, but I am so weary of a Catholic women's spirituality that desires to do Theology Lite. A spirituality that says "We will have the work of your hands, just don't ask questions of your mind." These groups are meant for encouragement so you can "keep on keeping on", but are not really a launching point for change and difference.
This is a pressure within the Church, from women to other women. We give this to ourselves, and this is the world we are showing our daughters in faith.

When I look around at what my 4 year old daughter can age into through parish life, I don't see many opportunities to grow her connections with other Catholic girls. That's a shame. Girls will be asked many more hard, pressing, questions, and at a younger age, than their male peers. She will need those connections. She will need that knowledge base, and the experience of growing with other faithful girls.

I am a faithful Catholic woman, and I will remain so, but to do that well I need to be Church. This needs to be a community that pushes each other to be better. To know Jesus better and to love each other better.

The Church is in crisis right now. Frankly, it's probably going to be in crisis for a while. A long while. This isn't going to go away.
Now, more than ever, we need to see and identify those places where the Catholic community is weak and lax. Those places that have been left for later. Ignored and even belittled.

My fellow Catholic women, let's learn! Let's tackle learning those parts of the faith that we have never ironed out in our minds. Let's make space for our daughters to grow. Let us be a community of faith AND works. A community that sees that women are not just the fuel for the parish machine, but a beautiful, vital, distinct, and visible part of the Church.

How do you see places the Catholic Church could better serve girls? What places do you see needing to be addressed in the wider Church? In your own specific area?

"But Not All Men!" and Other Unhelpful Responses

It's been a hell of week - and I do mean that literally. I have never been so disappointed and discouraged in my fellow Catholics.

I thought so highly of them. I thought that when rubber hit the road they would show up, listen to truth, ignore their personal bogeymen and do what was right. Instead I have never before seen such a show of clericalism, cults of personality, intellectual dishonesty, and a love of comfort over truth.

I appreciate that as a survivor of abuse (albeit not clerical abuse) I have less tolerance for the hand wringing and "woe is me and mine" attitude when there is true evil lurking in our midst. But it's time to shape it up, fellow Catholics! Here are some of the responses I've been seeing that are thoroughly unhelpful, at best.

"But not all men!"

No duh, not all men behave problematically. But can we say that there are sociological differences in how men are responding to this crisis, as a group, and how women are responding? Absolutely.
Having that conversation shut down because "my husband would never act like that" doesn't help anyone. It shuts down the very real issue that women are having a hell of a time being taken seriously as voices here.

"I'm waiting for more information."

Omnipotence isn't happening for you. The reality is we do have some information, and I will not be a shrinking violet. In the refusal of Rome to clarify the issue, we must use what we have to the best of our ability and demand that our leaders do what is required of them.
If our leaders refuse to lead - it's a problem. Final, unassailable, proof or not.

"As a faithful Catholic, I will side with the Pope."

No. No it is not more Catholic to love a man more than Jesus. That is clericalism at it's raging finest. The essence of following mammon instead of God.

"Let's not jump to conclusions."

This wouldn't be a bad one if it wasn't hurled at anyone seeking to move the issue forward. It's not jumping to conclusions to say that Pope Francis is letting down the larger Church, and inciting even more scandal, by remaining silent. It's stating a fact.

"The real problem is a lack of women priests!"

Yes, let's blame the women some more everybody! Let's pile on and make sure our pet project is the thing that gets forwarded here. Not truth. Not love. Pet. Project.

"It's only the *Catholic* Church that has an abuse problem."

It's hubris to think that abuse could never happen in OUR tradition, in OUR town, in OUR family. But it can and it does. Oh how the mighty will fall.

"They always had it out for Pope Francis anyway."

Probably. I'm not going to pretend that anyone is squeaky clean of ulterior agendas. Does it mean they're wrong to be speaking now? No. No it doesn't.
Just because someone is dirty doesn't mean they don't know about more dirt. In fact it makes it more likely. Don't ignore the message because you have a personal tiff with the messenger.

More on the topic:

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes.

What responses should be added to this list? How have you responded?

How Dare You Tell Us To Close Our Eyes Now

I should have known better than to believe that scales would fall from eyes once the truth started coming out. I have a consistent fault where I believe people. I believe that others mean what they say, and that truth will be accepted when shown the light of day. That is not what is happening in our Church right now.

Instead the Catholic world is in a civil war. I'm sure the Devil is celebrating.

He is celebrating our collective inability to stand for truth. That comradery, friendships, and working relationships are fracturing left and right over demands that we "pick a side", "withhold judgement", "wait for more information".

There is a difference between rushing to judgement and seeing what is before your eyes. I cannot abide any attempts to evade investigation upon pet favorites. The instinct to protect a "side" is from the Evil One. If you are not on the side of truth, please reconsider for the sake of your soul.
Do not be so corrupted that you allow tribalism to take pride of place over love of truth.

There can be no healing as long as we continue this ridiculous "liberal Catholic vs. conservative Catholic" civil war. Those labels have never made sense in the fullness of Catholic theology and they are now becoming a weapon of our own destruction. A crude mallet with which to crush our own brothers and sisters.

I love the Pope. I love him enough to be willing to call upon him to be a better shepherd. It is reasonable to expect our Holy Father to show up and guide his children.

It has happened before that a Pope has been too personally weak to fulfill the duties of his office. It took great Saints, like St. Catherine of Siena, who refused to be silenced, persisting in the face of immense pressure to go home and be good - and quiet.

I love my Church. I love Jesus. I love my Catholic brothers and sisters. I love them enough to refuse to let them harm themselves.

We don't have all the answers yet, but we all know enough now to know that this is a war.
Not between liberal Catholics and conservative Catholics.
Not between those pro or anti Pope Francis.
This is a war between Heaven and Hell.
This is a battle that will only be won if each and every one of us purges attachments to evil in our own lives and within ourselves. Let no one rest easy.

Related posts:

Where Do We Go From Here? - To Catholic Women In the Storm

There has never been a harder time to be Catholic in modern history. Yeah, I think we're there, and it's not over. The purge has yet to come and the pain will be raw for a good time yet.

Today I want to speak to the women of the Church. I want the men to hear the women of the Church. Our struggles are not always your struggles, and in the deadening gong of revelation the chasm between our experiences has widened.

To the women who want to fix everything

I get it. There is an overall need to *do* something. But in our quest to do something, we must be very careful not to cross the line into making women the savior of men in some sort of warped idea of the feminine genius.
Predators are not mothered into normal behavior. Narcissism cannot be tempered by womanhood.
Work for your church, for the salvation of your soul, but do not allow your compassion and empathy to blind you to reality.

To the survivors of any type of abuse 

You are not alone. Those who have never had to confront evil like this are flailing right now. In that process they are repeating the very reactions and systems that allowed abuse to happen in your personal experience.
In the past 48 hours alone I have seen: gaslighting, disbelief of whistle blowers, rationalization, denial of gravity ("it wasn't x so it wasn't really abuse"), wagon circling. For those of us who have ever spoken about our abuse to anyone, this is like watching some of your worse memories reenacted by people who you were told to trust. Again.

It's despicable that people are reacting this way. It's not ok. Do not stand for it if you can.
Be aware of your own mental health in this environment. It's ok to take breaks.

To those who are mothering through public pain

Mothering these innocent ones when you are hurting and mourning is so painful and so powerful. This generation of children has the capacity to be the greatest we have ever seen. But they are watching their parents and trusted adults live through some of the darkest days in modern church history.

Now is our chance to form an honest and true relationship between our families and the church. One that is free of clericalism. Free of blind adherence. One that sees ourselves in the fullness of truth, and our shepherds as human beings.

You do not need to put up a strong front. Children need our honesty. They need to see that we will not excuse evil if it comes from someone important enough.

To women asked to answer for the crimes of men

I have gotten many questions in the past weeks. Most are along the lines of "How can you possibly still be Catholic after all this?" Some want to know if I am "taking the Roman out of your Catholic and going East?" Some want to know exactly what kind of abuse I have seen. Some want to know if I'm "really an abuse survivor".

All I can think when I get these questions in emails, messages, and in person is: if the men who committed this abuse and corruption had been treated like we treat those who speak up, especially the women who remain faithful, this evil would never have been able to find a safe haven.

I don't blame those asking questions. I do blame those who deflect and avoid the light of day on their pet projects and favorites.
I wish those prying into the stories of survivors understood what they were asking. That it's not just telling a story. For me it's asking me to re-live the unthinkable. You are asking for something you have no right to demand. For those who have asked, I know you didn't mean to do it, but now you know better.

To those who just want this to end

I know. Everyone in pain reaches a point where it just feels too painful to go on. But like a woman in the transition stage of labor, this point of no return is where we have to go if we wish to see new life spring forth.

Our souls cannot bear the cost of avoiding the question and allowing for any muck to be papered over. I mean that quite literally. For the sake of your soul do not stop the light from shining into the crevices.

What I'm doing

I still believe prayer, fasting, #sackclothandashes are necessary. They are not all. God gave us hands, voices, and minds for a purpose - how dare we avoid using them?

Reaching out to each other as a church is needed. Evil will use this opportunity to divide and further wound our humanity, and I refuse to let that happen.

I will not tolerate anyone attempting to excuse anyone from investigation.

I will continue to pray that those accused and those who covered up accusations step down voluntarily and out of humility. For how else can the sheep survive if our shepherds tolerate the presence of wolves in the flock? I don't just want them to sin no more, I want them to save their souls. That's what it means to love.

I will continue to fight for my church in the world. I will continue to raise my children Catholic. I will fight for Jesus, and I will not sacrifice truth for comfort.

I will love. However painful it is, I will continue to love. That is how I have survived, and it's the only way the Church can survive.

What World Breastfeeding Week is Like for Formula Feeders

I said I wasn't going to write anything else on this topic after that one time, but, whelp.

In case you have missed the sharing of memes, articles, and brelfies - it's World Breastfeeding Week!

It comes after NFP week every year, and when we got to Tuesday without a breastfeeding dripping Facebook timeline, I thought I might have to throw a party. We were two days into breastfeeding week and people were playing it cool and keeping it logical and reasonable?! I'd buy a round for the house!

But it started on Wednesday, and my celebrations were promptly put on hold.

You see I'm one of THOSE. A formula feeder. A hard won formula feeder who, frankly, needs to speak a little truth to power for a second here.
This is what this week is like for formula feeders.

Literally every, single, other way of feeding your baby is celebrated but yours.

People are trying to be more open minded now. So it's not just breastfeeding. Anyone who pumps, uses donated milk, combo feeds are included!
You know the only group not included? Formula feeders.
No, there is no formula feeding week, in case you were wondering.


The barrage of events that make it clear that you are not invited.

You wanna know what makes me feel isolated as a mother? Seeing all the events for nurse-ins, breastfeeding celebrations, and other events that make sure to note that breastmilk using families are welcome to attend the festival of feeding!

I'm the type of mother not invited.


Bad Science. Sooooo much bad science.

When you are sacrificing so much for the sake of feeding your baby breast milk it might be nigh impossible to hear, but science is not showing that breast milk has any long term impact in the developed world. The sibling studies just don't bear it out.
Enough with the "science" articles and memes and whatever else claiming that breastfeeding will make your child a long-lived, immune to everything, genius, who will create world peace. (And that's not even an exaggeration, people! All of that are real claims I have seen in the past few days.)

Please feed your baby, but don't put yourself through hell to do it. Your baby needs a mother, not just milk. Mothering is more than feeding, and you are worth more than a bodily fluid.


I wonder if lactivists would say the things they do if they would see people like me?

There remains an identity of persecution among breastfeeding activists, and some breastfeeders, that just doesn't reflect reality where I have lived.

I have encountered serious issues accessing medical care because people cannot compute that I am not breastfeeding. I have to lead with it. Continue to correct the doctor who just went off on another why-this-medication-is-fine-for-breastfeeding talk. Get sent home with inaccurate care instructions.
Delays in treatment because the only measurement of normal for a postpartum mother is a breastfeeding mother.

I have strangers check in if there is breast milk in that bottle.

A push for donor milk for my perfectly healthy full term baby, even though there is a shortage for NICU babies who actually, medically, need breast milk.

Lactivism has actively hurt my mental, emotional, and physical health. Caused unnecessary health risks in my first two children, and severely limited my community support.
It's not ok.

There's a hugely uneven power balance here

Have you ever seen the back of a formula can? Every single one includes the phrase "breast milk is recommended" or "breast milk is best". ON THE FORMULA CAN.

In order to access formula in a hospital, you might have to sign a form certifying that you are "aware of the risks of formula feeding". Even if formula is medically indicated.

You know what message that sends to mothers who need to use formula?
That we're making a lesser choice for our babies.
That we can't be trusted to have evaluated this decision.

Breastfeeding is not the underdog when it comes to the power to impact mothers in this way.


No one mobilizes for discrimination against a formula feeding mother like they will for a breastfeeding one

I'm going to tell you a little story that illustrates this power dynamic.

I took my kids on a trip to an art museum, as parents might occasionally do. I had my young baby with me in a front carrier.
Half an hour into being at the museum she needed to eat, like young babies do.
I pulled out a pre-made bottle and starting feeding her in the carrier as we walked through a gallery, keeping up the commentary on what we were seeing for my older kids.

A docent came up to me, "I think you would be more comfortable over here with your baby."

"No, I'm ok, thanks."

"Well, we don't allow food or drink in the gallery."

"Even for a baby?"

"Yes, just follow me."

I didn't want to make a scene, so I stayed in the little alcove off a hallway the docent had led me to feed my baby in. Fed the baby, tried my best to keep the antsy big kids quiet-ish, packed up after and went back into the gallery we had been before we were redirected.

Sitting on a couch, in that same gallery, was a mother breastfeeding.

Same docent standing in the room, apparently un-bothered.

I was mad. I was frustrated. If I cannot feed my baby (who looked as old as the nursing one) in that space, why is breastfeeding allowed?
This was not a toddler walking around with a juice box and snack pack. This was a young infant being bottled fed in a close carry by an adult.

But I also knew that no one would have my back.

That there would be no one willing to do more than shrug and say "that's annoying".

Discriminating against a bottle feeding mother is allowed. These stories don't go viral. They don't inspire some sort of feed-in protest. Bottle feeding is not culturally valued in the same way as breastfeeding.


You know what all the breastfeeding celebrations are like for someone like me? A punch in the gut.

I don't even want a formula feeding celebration week. I just want to not be treated like a criminal embarrassment by doing just what a breastfeeding mother is trying to do - feeding my baby.

A little understanding this week would be acceptable.

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes.

Did any of this surprise you? How can we better celebrate all parents?