With COVID-19 shut downs happening all around the country, I've heard a lot of people asking "what do I do with my kids?" We're a homeschooling family, so my kids are always home, and have been through a Minnesota polar vortex winter, tiny apartment living, and a house fire that meant living in a hotel for five weeks.

Being unexpectedly stuck home with the kids means you likely didn't have time to prepare, probably can't go anywhere, and likely have some work to get done yourself (and, ya know, not go crazy.) You can do this! Here's some ideas.

1. Set a schedule

I cannot tell you how important this is. Some sort of pre-determined structure to your day is everything when you are all home, all day, in each other's space. This can be very fluid! Ours looks like this:

Breakfast as people wake up
Dress after breakfast
Morning chores (straighten up, start laundry, unload dishwasher)
Announce "the plan of the day" (we'll get to that in a second)
Lunch
Nap/quiet time/school/learning show
Snack
Afternoon chores (fold laundry, prep/cook dinner, big group pick up)
Dinner
Family time (movie, game night, walk, etc.)
Bedtime (I suggest early and kids not sleepy yet get quiet reading time)

2. Make a list

Our "plan of the day" is me announcing the game plan. In a normal time, this involves our classes, outings, errands, projects, or whatever else needs to happen that day with the kids.
When we're all stuck at home, it's whatever I have picked out from our idea list.

I highly recommend making a master list for yourself of different types of things to choose from. It takes off a lot of the daily mental load!

Here's some of the categories I like to include:

Gross motor/Get Your Wiggles Out
Quiet Time
Family projects
Movie/show/games
Novelty

3. Inventory what tools you already have available

Now that you've started thinking, go through your house and inventory what you already have to work with. Sports equipment? Art supplies? Odds and ends? Camping stuff?

Use what you find to add to your list. Here's some things we have tried and loved:

• Pitch a tent inside! We have a 2 person tent that can become a fort, a reading space, and endless hours of pretend play. If it's nice weather where you are, that can become a full out backyard camp ground.
• Field Day. It's easier than it sounds. I found cones, balls, chalk, and jump ropes. We had running races, running drills when the races got teary competitive, jump rope clinics, draw crazy long loopy lines with chalk and try to tip toe the whole line.
• Recycle Bin Crafting. I dump out the recycle bin, remove anything hazardous like sharp cans, and let the kids invent away! They can cut, draw, tape, design, tear, whatever they want. Robots, fashion creations, and creative bug habitats have happened.

4. Keep some learning time, even in difficult times

One thing I learned from living through a house fire, was the kids needed the relief of giving their brains something else to focus on while we were displaced. Reading aloud, printing out worksheets, teaching skills I knew. Here are some of our favorite resources.

• The Library Even if you can't go there physically, many libraries offer online resources you can access. Ours has free streaming content, downloadable audiobooks, ebooks, and access to learning databases for kids and adults. 
• PBS They have a streaming app that is wonderful for getting access to what we call "learning shows" AKA Nova, Nature, and other content. PBS Learning Media is a great resource for distance learning needs.
• YouTube Our favorite learning shows on YouTube are Liberty's Kids and the various farm history series from BBC featuring Ruth Goodman. Want to learn a craft or other skill? There's probably a YouTube video for that.
• Project Gutenberg Need any more free read alouds? Project Gutenberg has thousands of free classic children's literature titles to access as ebooks for free.
• Pinterest If you have an idea you're thinking about there is probably a mom or teacher out there with a how to article on Pinterest for you. It's wonderful for finding hands on game ideas and other activities focused on a particular topic.
• Your own childhood and skills. Remember that odd camp song you still remember 15 years later? Your kids will likely love hearing you tell about it and teaching it to them. I've taught the kids how to juggle, how to double a recipe, how to crochet, how to sew, and how to use a screwdriver. It's empowering, bonding, and often gets a chore done, in one swoop!

5. What is this "quiet time" you mentioned?

Parents have stuff to get done too. No shame in using some screentime! But here's some other ways to make it work for you too.

• Set boundaries. Quiet time for us runs from toddler nap start to snack time at 2pm. The big kids are used to not being able to choose TV shows, get a snack, or be loud during that time. 
• Choices. The main rules for things to do during quiet time is they must be: quiet, independent, not destructive to others or things. They are welcome to choose something like LEGOs, painting, or a board game that we can't do with the toddler tornado happening. They are encouraged to play outside independently during this time.
• You are not in charge of their happiness. It's a freeing concept! It's ok if they feel bored. It's not my job to provide constant stimulation. They have choices from the quiet time list (as I mentioned earlier), they know the boundaries, they are welcome to come to me with any questions or injuries. Other than that, I need to be allowed to work.
• After 2pm, learning show! I will often still have work that needs to happen after 2. Especially if the toddler is still napping, I love to get that done. I find documentaries are much less distracting for me than say PBS Kids. PBS documentaries typically have handy viewer ratings, so we pick one rated TV-PG or G and they can learn about something new!

6. Work Together

Homeschool families are forced to work together a lot. Putting away laundry is a group effort. When it's cleaning windows day, I spray rags for everyone (even the two year old) and they clean what they can reach. Include the kids as much as you can in household projects and chores. Being allowed to contribute to the family is a big morale booster, and I find it's easier for kids to start talking about what's on their mind while they're working alongside you.

I've had many conversations about kid's worries and struggles while cleaning up books, hanging laundry, and tidying rooms.

It might be hard, but be willing to be honest with your kids that need you to talk straight. Gentle with the ones who are struggling with the changes in their lives. Kids are smart and they realize when something is up. But they want to be connected with you and their family. 

7. Set a finish line

I mentally need to know when I might have a chance of down time. We normally have getting ready for bed time at 7pm and kids in bed at 7:30pm. Yes, it's early. We're all normally up by 6:30am so it needs to be early, but it allows for my husband and I to actually talk to each other or watch a non-kid appropriate show/movie. 

Being stuck at home all day every day for an extended period is very much a mental game. We will each need to be aware of our personal needs for mental breaks, morale boosts, and a chance to laugh. I like to work on a puzzle (jigsaw, cross word, suduku), watch a standup comedy set on streaming, make a mug cake, or snuggle up with tea and a book. 

I hope this is helpful for someone! Leave your ideas below in the comments.

Let's Talk Little Kids and Modesty

I'm a theater person. I've been a dancer, and now also a parent of dancers, for the past 20+ years. That's a long time to be around the performing arts, and I've seen quite a range. Over the past few years, I've gotten a lot of questions from parents wondering about dance schools for their kids. A question that comes up time and again is about modesty.

How do you deal with immodest costumes? What if you don't like the choreography? Can you adapt the costume or uniform?

Here's my radical answer to the whole premise of the question: I don't believe in modesty as a concept for young children. I think it makes far more sense to approach clothing choices for kids by asking if it's age/activity/weather appropriate.

Context first

Going to church requires a very different set of clothing choices from a day in the woods or attending Ballet class. It is not possible to decide what is or isn't age appropriate without first factoring in context.
When we are talking about the dance context, the primary reasons for clothing design are 1) safety and 2) storytelling. In class, the tight fabric allows the teacher to see exactly what the student is doing, and correct any bad habits that are forming. That correction is what prevents injuries. In performance, costumes are designed to tell the story, set the time and place, and clearly indicate character.

Now is there wiggle room? Maybe. There are such things as bad design choices. If a costume is chosen that does not mesh with the age of the dancers, it is a bad choice. But I always approach those conversations from an age appropriate stance instead of one of modesty.

Be Goal Oriented

Why wouldn't I tell that studio director her costume choices are immodest? Because there is no uniform definition of what is modest - especially when you factor in different ages and contexts. We would easily be talking past each other. My goal is not to "win"; my goal is to reach a solution. In order to do that, I need to treat the director/costume designer/whoever is in charge with an understanding for the various factors they are juggling and a desire to be on the same page.

Sometimes it's just not a good fit

Perhaps there's a studio that's very close to you, but they focus on a type of dance that does not fit your taste. If you're not inspired by the end goals of that school, then it's probably not the school for you. If that director thinks two piece costumes that show off little kid tummies are SO CUTE, but you're not down with it - it's probably not the school for you.
Too often people interpret one school being a bad fit to mean that dance as a whole is not a good choice for kids. Please don't make that mistake (but I have a whole piece on it if you want more on that topic.)

What can you do?

Here are some ways I have seen dance schools in particular grow and improve when it comes to age appropriate choices:

• Having all young dancers wear their tights and a nude leotard as a base layer for their costume. They get dressed at home, the costumes get a little extra protection, and changing awkwardness is banished. Yea!
• Some schools have moved to not even having costumes for recitals at all. Instead those are saved for larger performing opportunities, and recitals are done in their regular dance uniforms plus a hair piece or cummerbund. Budget friendly, less waste, and no worry about costume choices.
• Learning stage make up is a necessary skill for a performer. Don't be afraid of it! There are many YouTube videos now for stage make up for the young dancer (including ones for young male dancers). Make up is necessary under stage lights, but lots of places have figured out exactly what is needed and what is not.
• The single most powerful thing for the parent of a little performer to understand is why. Why are things done this way? Why is this useful? What is the end goal that this is all building toward? Some schools offer occasional parent lectures, observation weeks, regular teacher feedback, lending libraries, and other ways for parents to understand what their child is working on.

Modesty is a huge concept! This is a particular area of my experience, but I know many other art forms and schools handle the question of modesty for young kids with very different solutions. What has worked for you? Do you do things different with your own kids than what you had growing up? Did anything I said make you think differently about modesty for young kids?

When Your Children Inherit Your Struggles

I would wager that the majority of parents have something about themselves they would rather avoid passing down to their kids. Maybe it's a short temper, a struggle with reading, or anxiety.
Mine came unexpectedly because it had never occurred to me it was something that could be passed down.

I have always been on the flexible side, but I chalked it up to having been involved in dance since the age of four. Dancers are just flexible people, right?
But I'm not just your run-of-the-mill flexible. My greatest pregnancy struggle is not nausea or food issues - it's arms and legs that fall out of socket from such basic tasks as lifting a grocery bag or sitting oddly.

In high school I was obnoxiously proud of what I could do. Making pretty stage pictures comes easily when your legs and arms are so hyper-extended. I assumed when I came back to dance after my second child was born that I would have to spend a lot of time getting flexibility back.
Strength needed some work, yes, but flexibility? Apparently those were factory settings.

It never dawned on me that they might be genetic settings.

Our first two babies had some of the traits: turned out hips, tendency to stand with feet turned out, hyper-extended arms.

But nothing like our third baby.

Felicity has all of the hallmarks of hyper-mobility. She could not pull up to stand until almost 15 months because her ankles are so unstable. She struggles to compensate for a body that does not give natural resistance when moving beyond the point of stability.

How I know that struggle! I have to work hard to stay strong enough to not experience frequent dislocations. Wear gloves on my hands to stabilize my finger joints on bad days. A brace on my ankle when working on new turns so I don't sprain it - again. Pay attention to how I walk and stand and sit so I don't accidentally knock something askew.

It hurts. Often. It took many years of trial and error to understand how to minimize injury.

It never occurred to me that I might one day have to translate those solutions to use on my baby.

I know exactly how hard it will be for her. I feel all that pain, and I felt cheated.

Carrying this cross wasn't that big of a deal when it was just me. I can handle pain. I can deal with compensating for the rest of my life. God made me good and stubborn, and I can stubborn my way over many a mountain.

In my head I had made a deal with God: I carry this quietly and it stops here. 
But that wasn't fair.

Because for all the pain and difficulty extreme hyper-mobility can bring, it can also be a blessing.
I don't struggle to move.
I can find a lot of comradery for my freaky talents among fellow dancers - who are often selected because they share these traits.
I have to humble myself enough to ask for help when I need it. The consequences are too high if I fail to let others help.

Struggles, especially life long struggles, can be a magnificent blessing. They change us. They mold us into being people we would never have become otherwise.
Carrying a cross has given me a greater possibility for empathy, and a path for understanding what my own daughter will face.

*****************

To read more about Felicity's story:

Are there crosses in your life that are/could be shared by your children or other family/friends? 

How do you handle it?

When Baby's First Shoes are Prescription

Moms worry. About anything and everything under the sun at some point.
As a society, we're used to it. We expect it. So much so that we tend to ignore motherly worries wholesale - including the ones which should not be ignored.

When our third child took a little longer to get moving than other babies her age, I wasn't worried. Kids develop at different rates, right? Anyway her brother and sister were late walkers too.

But Felicity wasn't moving at all. She could sit, unsupported, by 4 months, and that's where she stayed.
She wasn't rolling, crawling, creeping, scooching, or doing any other method of locomotion.

At 6 months.

At 9 months.

At 12 months.

At her 9 month doctor check up I was worried. But when I mentioned she wasn't crawling yet I was brushed off. Told to wait for the 12 month visit.
So I did, but something didn't feel right about it. 5 months seemed like a long time to go without any gross motor improvement in an infant.

Searching online wasn't much help. Parenting forums are filled with anxious parents concerned about their offspring's progress. Most of the answers involve something along the lines of, "My child wasn't crawling at all at 10 months. Then he started walking out of no where!" Only to mention a comment or two down that "out of nowhere" meant, "after months of extensive OT and PT".

At 11 months I was done with waiting.
Done with getting told that "mothers are often worried too early."
With being told it would be easier for me once I "had more experience with child development" (which apparently two previous children of my own, four younger siblings, and a crowd of nanny and babysitter kids didn't achieve.)
Done with being treated as an anxious worry-wort for having valid concerns.

I put in a referral to our state child development program. It's a long process of: phone evaluation, in person interview, in person evaluation, a meeting to go over the results, a meeting to decide on a plan. THEN we can finally start getting help.

It's not easy to qualify for services in just one developmental category. Felicity really only struggled in gross motor. Her fine motor skills are excellent, she had been using a handful of words for a while, and clearly did not struggle with social or mental skills. She just needed help with gross motor, but she needed it badly.

Bad enough to qualify.

For a child this young, a physical therapist comes to our home once a week. I work with her to create challenges for Felicity that are built into her natural routines, using items we have in the house.

She has made a lot of progress! She started army crawling. Then suddenly was up on her hands and knees crawling. She was pulling up to her knees to get items from the top of the coffee table.

But something still didn't look right.

When Felicity was put in a standing position she would clench her toes like mad, her hips were crazy turned out, and she was not stable on her ankles in the slightest. Even with her increasing muscle strength, she still wasn't getting any more stable on her feet.

The therapist decided it was time to talk about orthotic help.

The appointment to get fitted for ankle orthoses was hard for me. The orthotist noted how incredibly hyper-mobile Felicity is - not just in her ankles but over her whole body. How almost overdeveloped her muscles have become because of her attempts to stabilize her incredibly unstable joints on her own for so long.

It wasn't hard to hear because of how much my baby needed help. It was hard to hear because I should have known better.

I have generalized hyper-mobility.
I have to work hard to stay with a certain level of muscle tone just to keep my pain levels down.
I have to be smart when I move to prevent injury.

How do you respond when your child has inherited your struggles? How to feel when your child is hurting - and you had something to do with it?

More of this story next week!

Because it's getting long...

Update: The follow up is here!