Next week is NFP Awareness Week. Yes, again. But before we do that, I want to talk about sex and marriage, and why abstinence is a struggle for many (if not most) NFP practicing couples.

The most consistent critique that comes up whenever this topic is discussed is: "Shhhhh, if you're too negative no one will even try to live out the teachings!" Or it's, "There's nothing we can do about it, so why talk about it?"

Well I believe you are smarter than that, dear readers!

I believe you can handle hard topics, and nuance, and uncertainty.

Sex matters for marriages

There's a reason sex is "renewing your marriage vows" and date night isn't. Sex is so fundamental to a marriage, that a marriage is not valid until it is consummated (CCC 1640). Then why is it that we try to excuse away the importance of sex when it comes to selling NFP? If sex matters to begin a marriage, it must continue to matter within a marriage.

Sex is Emotional

We have this idea that there is sex on hand and emotional closeness on the other. I think this is a false separation. Sex is inherently emotional. Physical connection and emotional connection are joined, just as sex and marriage are joined. I will even go so far as to argue that sex is the ultimate emotional connection.


So now we get that sex matters in a marriage, and that there is not exact substitute. How do we go about discussing the frustrations of abstinence without just wanting to throw in the towel for NFP as a whole?

Let's not invalidate each other or ourselves

"It's not that bad."

"Other people have it so much worse."

"It's just for a while."

These are all statements meant to comfort but function to invalidate the person who has just confided their pain. Often, they are what we tell ourselves in order to get through a tough place - even when there is no end in sight to the tough place. Let's stop trying to tell ourselves that pain doesn't hurt and that struggles are negligible!
If we cannot accurately talk about the problem, how are we ever going to deal with it?

There are some serious holes in NFP methods and in medical knowledge

Let's just get it out there - women's reproductive medicine is woefully behind when it comes to the deeper biological understanding needed to have NFP methods that can work for everyone with minimal abstinence. I personally experienced many months where no NFP method could describe what I was seeing, and none of the multiple doctors (both GP and specialists) could work with me in understanding why my body wasn't functioning properly.

The more I've talked to other women using NFP, the more I hear about these situations where methods did not describe a woman's fertility accurately enough.
Where doctors labeled a woman requesting not to have to discuss birth control again as "non-compliant."
Where couples spend months on end unable to find available days when they have discerned a need to avoid pregnancy.

None of this means NFP is completely impossible or a bad idea, but it does mean that couples are experiencing some legitimate struggles and that struggling with NFP is not a rare experience.

It's not just you

You are not the only person frustrated with NFP!
You are not the only couple to feel the ache of having to hold back from the ultimate sign of the sacrament of marriage.
You are not a masochist for still adhering to the teachings of the Church, even when you feel the weight of the teaching.

We need to include the peripheries

If you are someone who has never struggled with abstinence, always had textbook cycles, conceived right away, breastfed and had 6 months of LAM infertility with no problem - congratulations you won the biological lottery.

The rest of us will have some struggles with this part of our lives at some point. We need to include everyone in the further development of NFP, including the afore mentioned lottery winners.
But also the subfertile, infertile, hyperfertile.
The women having to take birth control for legitimate medical reasons.
The women who can't/don't breastfeed.
The women who have mental or physical reproductive trauma.
The couples dealing with long term abstinence.
The couples struggling to discern what God is asking of their family.
The couples who have large families and the faithful parents of small families.


Struggles with NFP are not rare, unique, or even unusual.

Having struggles doesn't mean there isn't a beauty to NFP. Hard things can still be beautiful things.

What matters to me is that beautiful things are not unnecessarily hard. That we communicate honestly our struggles, and our joys, so that as a whole the practice of NFP can be a more practical tool for everyone.

What have you wanted to see in discussions of NFP? How could it better include your experience? 

Speak So I Can Hear You - Words of Affirmation

In 1992, Dr. John Gray published his revolutionary book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Apparently, in the 90s, it was quite the epiphany to folks that men and women are different, and have different needs. One highlight of the book is Dr. Gray's little analogy that men and women are speaking different languages: Men speak Martian, and Women speak Venutian.

I'm generally not a fan of stereotypes, but any woman who has tried to get her husband to communicate only to be met with grunts and "I-dunno"s, and any husband who has asked his wife where they will go for dinner only to be answered with, "I don't care, you pick", will be well aware of this phenomenon.

Three years later, in 1995, Gary Chapman provided a kind of translation dictionary, at least when it comes to communicating our love. His book, The Five Love Languages, broke down some of the various ways that humans communicate love for one another. Just in case you aren't familiar, these five love languages are 1) Words of Affirmation, 2) Physical Touch, 3) Receiving Gifts, 4) Quality Time, and 5) Acts of Service.

These aren't gender based at all-- one theory is that they come from the deficits we grew up with, but that's a story for another day-- and once you begin to understand how your spouse is trying to communicate their love to you, it's a lot easier to start translating from Venutian to Martian!

Yet, one tricky thing remains: you only have a 20% chance of having the same Primary Love Language as your spouse. You might be pouring out your heart in "Acts of Service" (your love language), but they still feel unloved because all they see is a lack of "Words of Affirmation"(their love language).

I can only speak from my own language for now, and that is "Words of Affirmation". I'd like to share for you a few inside tricks on how to make sure that your spouse who speaks this language keeps their "love tank" full. You really want to make sure there is love in that love tank! An engine can't run without any fuel, and it's very hard to give love when you're running on empty.

My love tank feels the most full when I feel appreciated and when my husband tells me that he proud of me. If I've been keeping the home orderly and the kids healthy for a month straight, and he doesn't seem to care, I get very grouchy. He's a good sport though, and if he notices me fishing for a compliment, he does a good job of giving me one authentically.

How to keep your "Words of Affirmation Spouse" feeling loved:

• Compliment their cooking/car fixing/baby changing
• Acknowledge and thank them for the every day things they do
• Tell them they look pretty/handsome
• Say I love you to the point of nausea (and give them a "because" too!)
• Send them short texts every now and then, just to say "hi, I'm thinking about you"

One thing that gets overlooked occasionally is that while speaking someone's love language is the easiest way to keep their tank full, doing the opposite of it is the easiest way to hurt them.
If I'm not calm enough to discuss things without raising my voice, I generally just remove myself until I calm down or the situation goes away. My husband likes to talk things out right then and there, and in the first months of our marriage, he discovered that is not a good idea with me at all. As soon as voices raise above a certain decibel, my brain processes everything you say as, "You're a miserable lazy failure of a wife and mother". Irrational? Maybe, but it's how my brain works.

Additionally, if I am trying to communicate something, only to be met with silence, that tells me I'm not worth responding to. So if you're busy, take a second to respond to your spouse, even if it's just to say, "hold on, let me get back to you in a second."

How to make your "Words of Affirmation Spouse" feel unloved: 

• Raise your voice
• Ignore them in silence

And to most of us 80% of people who speak a different Love Language than their spouse, I would like to leave you with one reminder. Just because they aren't speaking your language, doesn't mean they aren't communicating love. Adherents to Gary Chapman's philosophy spend a lot of time talking about how to speak a love language. I've hardly ever heard anyone talk about how and why to listen to a love language. So if your spouse is a "Words of Affirmation" guy or gal, try to watch and listen for  moments like I listed where they may be offering you love, and make an effort to put those moments into your love tank too!

I'll be back in a few weeks to talk about my husband's love language, which is "Physical Touch". Until then, I hope I gave you all some good ideas and direction.

Love,
Hilary-
AMDG+

Hilary Thompson is a young wife and mother of two boys in southeast Michigan. She has been an organist since she was twelve. When she grows up, she wants to be a 97-year-old church cleaning lady. You can find more of her work about marriage, mothering, and Catholic trivia at Messy Buns & Latin Chant.

This is the first of an eight part series on the 5 Love Languages! Check back on Monday's and Wednesday's to read the new installments, and Monday's for a new giveaway.

Need some help fulfilling your spouse's love language of Words of Affirmation? 

Jen of Into Your Will has made this beautiful chalkboard to help you out! 

Enter the giveaway below, and check back on Wednesday for Jen's story of meeting her spouse's Words of Affirmation love language.

Check out her story of coming up with this board:

SPEAKING THE WORDS THAT DON'T COME NATURALLY - WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

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How We Met

When Alicia, from Sweeping Up Joy, put up the questions for this edition of JEI (Just Enough Info) I realized that I have not told the story of how we met!

1. How did you meet your spouse?

We're one of those Catholic dating site success stories. We met on catholicsingles.com!

Back then it was free if you were college aged. I had made an account over the summer with my Mom thinking we would get to the end and would have to pay - which would be the end of that. But it was free so it stayed up. Matt was brand new to the area, he had just moved here to start grad school at UC Berkeley, and in a moment of extroversion he had made one to meet more people.

I was a sophomore in college then, so I was a little younger than he was originally looking for, but he says he "made an exception for me".

We met in person at a local coffee shop, escorted by my college hallmate (because meeting-a-guy-from-online! We'd seen the movies.) We decided to head to mass at the Newman center afterwards and our first dinner was the student dinner in the Newman center hall following mass.

Now it was a longstanding debate about whether or not that meeting was classified as a "first date". I said yes, but Matt always referred to it as "zeroth date". I conceded the argument as his Valentine's present.....eventually....

My hallmate decided he was safe for us to have an actual date on our own, so we had our real first date the next week making an Apple Pie at his place.

The actual pie that started it all.

Cooking, namely cooking our way through each issue of Cooks Illustrated, was a central part of our dating time.

2. What’s your ideal date? or What’s your funniest dating story?

I have to admit I'm not a fan of the traditional dinner and a movie date. It seems to use a lot of time that doesn't involve real interaction.

I far prefer things like hiking or exploring somewhere new.

This first, ever, photo that Matt took of me on a hike in the Marin Headlands with some of my friends from college.

Now that we have kids, we've become pretty good at stay-at-home dates. My favorite involves bringing drinks to the rooftop of our building after the kids are down for the night, and hanging out there watching the lights across the Bay.

If we get to go out for an evening, I like trying new restaurants with my husband. He's very much a foodie and has a talent for knowing where the new cool spots are in the area. I know by the time we leave for the date he has scoped out the menu, the ingredients, reviews, the chef, and things in the vicinity. It's like having your own private food expert!

3. What couple from literature, TV, or the movies best mirrors you and your spouse?

Gosh this is hard.

The closest thing I can think of is Jim and Pam from The Office, but that's largely because I thought Matt looked a bit like Jim while we were dating.

See what I mean?

I've honestly never seen or read about a relationship and thought "oh-em-gee-it's-US!" Just hasn't happened yet. I'll get back you if I do!

I'd love to hear your answers to this week's questions in the comments!

Thoughts on Vocations from a Wannabe Nun Called to Marriage

This past week was Vocations Awareness Week. I hope you enjoyed hearing the stories of a few of the men who have answered the call to the religious life.

In a few of Jacob's posts, from the For the Love of the Church series, he touches on an often misunderstood aspect of vocation discernment - that feeling attracted to a vocation does not necessarily mean it is your vocation. Nor does choosing one vocation mean that you are not attracted to another or would have not have been fabulous in it.

While Jacob will soon become a priest after having been very attached and attracted to the idea of being a husband and physical father, I followed the opposite route. I was very attracted to the idea of religious life and living in community, but am called to be a wife and mother.
As a teen, I went on vocations retreats, come and see events, and stayed in contact with an order of sisters with a motherhouse nearby. I stayed with them a few summers, and I absolutely loved living in convent.

The life of a sister was very appealing to me: the predictability, the shared commitment to making life in community work with women from very different backgrounds, learning to say the Divine Office and chant, and the dedicated times to work, study, prayer, and play. The instant closeness to the other girls in discernment and the support of the older sisters was very comforting.

But it wasn't for me.

I think I knew it for a long time before I accepted it's truth - I was not called to the religious life.
I loved the religious life.
I would have been happy as a religious.
I still see the religious life as very beautiful and needed in this world, but it was not the way I was supposed to serve my purpose in this life.

The realization came during adoration. A fitting time. Adoration is when we are simply to sit and be with the physical presence of Jesus. It's harder than it sounds. You can read more about that experience here, but from that moment on I had to accept what God was telling me and it was not to become a sister.

Essentially, Jesus broke up with me. Gently, but yeah that happened.
I was ready to jump into this vocation and embrace the whole shebang, and Jesus had to say, "Thanks but no thanks. Your job lies elsewhere."

I knew it was true. I knew he was right. But I wasn't happy about any of it.
Ya know, like a normal break up.
Except in this break up your ex is literally perfect and you kind of have to continue to have a relationship with him for the rest of your life. It's tricky like that.

There is a real grieving process to go through after letting go of a hope, a dream, or a relationship. The discernment process, just like a relationship, is never just you two in isolation - it is full of advisors, supporters, detractors, and friends you made along the way. Coming to a decision in discernment means your relationship with those people, and with the object of your discernment, will never be the same.

Our true vocations may not be the ones we would have first picked out for ourselves, and might even be the opposite of our natural inclinations. In my current season of life, I am on my own to create any structure I want to have, to motivate myself to find purpose without the guidance of a community charism, and I have to do it with, what feels like constant, discernment. I feel like my current vocation is the harder option for me, and because of that is probably the better "halo-polishing" option too.

The men I know who are or will be priests, they would have been great husbands and fathers. I have no doubt about it. But it is because they would make great fathers, they will be just that much better at becoming Fathers. I hope that my experience seeking a religious vocation has helped me be a better wife and mother too.

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Here's My Sunday Best!

Dress: Kohls
Shoes: Payless
Sweater: Target
Veil: Veils By Lily

Unequally Yoked - NFP in a Mixed Marriage

Welcome to NFP Awareness Week 2016 y'all!

I celebrate this week by letting real life NFP couples tell their stories. 
Today we're meeting Josh & Amanda.

Photographer: Maria Kanevskaya Garcia

1. Tell us a little about each of you.

Josh

I am a newlywed, mechatronic engineer, and looking forward to starting a family. I am not Catholic, and don't consider myself religious, but I am supportive of wife's faith. We recently transplanted from Berkeley, CA to Portland, OR, and are exploring all that our new city has to offer.

Amanda

 I am a new wife, visual artist, and recently "reverted" Catholic, returning to the Church in 2015. I'm able to be a homemaker and focus full-time in the studio making drawings that merge the fascination I discover from drawing dead insects and the beauty I encounter within the Mass. I'm inspired by the "way of beauty" and I want to bring Christ to the culture and to our home.

2. How did you first hear about NFP?

Josh

I first heard about NFP from Amanda while she was learning about the Theology of the Body. At the time, we were cohabitating, and Amanda was learning more about her faith, which was cause for a lot of turmoil in how we had been living in the relationship. We got to a turning point where we had to question whether it would be better to go our separate ways, or get married. We wanted to make sure that we weren't just merging into marriage for the wrong reasons. We chose the latter and couldn't be happier. 

We knew we wouldn't be ready to start a family immediately and we also weren't going to use contraception. That is when we started to seriously look at NFP as a way to bridge the gap.

Amanda

 I heard about NFP by looking into JPII's Theology of the Body and his teachings on women through Endow study groups. At the time, Josh and I had been cohabiting, contracepting, and struggling with the Church's teaching on human sexuality. I had no idea what my God-given dignity was after living with PTSD from past emotional and sexual trauma as a teen. It caused a lot of tension and this was one of the serious obstacles I was entangled with while yearning to be in full communion yet still living in a way that was separating myself from receiving the Blessed Sacrament. 

While we were discerning marriage, there were some heavy moments of recognition that no matter how much I believed I loved Josh, my body without my vows was failing miserably to measure up to the authentic love I wanted to express - it was a painful time as I started to realize I was putting Josh before Jesus. We had been in the dark and oblivious about chastity since the start of our three years together, so when we began to ask those hard questions, NFP thankfully emerged as a sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

Photographer: Maria Kanevskaya Garcia

3. How did you pick a method?

Josh

 We went for the Sympto-Thermal method because I like charts, graphs and numbers. It's really amazing to look at the theory of the human body and then be able to see it in action!

Amanda

Thankfully some kind friends (eh, hem!) were able to recommend a trusted method - SymptoThermal through CCL. They were so awesome to share everything about it with us to help ease our skepticism. The local class was starting up right after we got engaged and we just went for it. It sounded like the most accessible and easy method to learn.

4. What has been your greatest challenge?

Josh

The hardest part is keeping self control and abstinence during times when we realize waiting is wiser. There is also a certain amount of trust that you need to have in your spouse. Mistakes can be easy to make and there is some skill required when it comes to reading the charts depending on how conservative you want to be.

Amanda

Compared to the challenges that I had come from, and through all of the negative consequences of my past sins and mistakes, the regular challenges as we practice NFP are nothing. Or, rather, those typical challenges (abstaining during fertile time if there were legitimate things to wait on before trying to conceive) I actually find healing and validating to our marriage and our ability to fully say yes now. 

My other biggest challenge is trying not to drop the thermometer down the side of the bed every morning!

Photographer: Maria Kanevskaya Garcia

5. What has been your favorite benefit?

Josh

 I feel this brings us closer in our marriage. It is one way I can help Amanda heal, knowing I can show her love in ways that respect her dignity. 

Amanda

 The entire method takes discipline, and in that commitment; our commitment to each other is continually enforced. The little ways it benefits our communication and ability to understand each other intimately is such a benefit. 

My favorite benefit is that our "yes" always means YES and there are no shadows of doubt or fear of being used. We can take the leap together and receive new life as a happy gift rather than a panicked consequence or an overly controlled prescription. 

I like that we have to trust together and put aside our temptation to control. I'm so happy I can actually know, based on simple observation, what my body is doing instead of my fertility being flatlined in attempts to "choose". We have a free choice now.

Stick around the rest of the week for more NFP stories!

How French of a Parent Am I? - A Review of Bringing Up Bebe

I've had a number of requests to read Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. She's an American writer exploring French parenting as she is raising her daughter and twin sons in Paris.

Honestly, I was little sceptical of this book because it had been brought up so often. Fad parenting is way too popular in my area for comfort. But I finally concluded that I had to actually read the book before I judged it, so I would give it a go.
It was a fast and addictive read. I read it in less than a day. Here's where I mesh, and don't, with the French parenting choices portrayed by Druckerman.

Pregnancy

Druckerman makes a lot of the French pressure to keep up your looks and not gain too much weight during your pregnancy, and to lose it quickly after birth.
My gut tells me this is something that might vary depending on location and social group - even in France.

I've had a pregnancy where I gained a lot of weight (John) and one where I lost weight (Therese). Neither really had anything to do with the "paying attention" to food that Druckerman says French women do to stay slim.

My emphasis during all pregnancies has been on maintaining strength and flexibility, and eating what I need. (Birth is a marathon, y'all.) I keep as active as I always am, with adaptations as my belly gets bigger. I don't gorge on sweets but I don't deny them either. Never going to be a fan of needing to obsess about food - even in an attempt to be healthy. I've seen too many people go down bad roads that way.

Birth

Apparently natural birth is just not a promoted thing in France. It's assumed you'll get an epidural and deliver on your back in a hospital.

I don't know if I can convey the depth of not caring I have for other women choosing to give birth in hospital or birth center or home. I really don't care if you got an epidural or not, and I don't think having a c-section says anything about what kind of mother you are - nor is it some badge of pride to have a med free birth. We're all different people and we're going to need/want different things.

I care about the mom and dad feeling heard, safe, and cared for in the whole birth process. Past that...nope. 

Sorry everyone.

I didn't do well with cliques on the playground as a kid either.

Breastfeeding

Controversy Time!!

Because I think breastfeeding is a more emotionally charged topic in the US then birth (if that is possible.)

So Bringing Up Bebe says the French barely breastfeed. It's just not a big thing. Druckerman contends that it has to do with mom's need for autonomy. The general expectation is that breastfeeding will not be a long running endeavor.

Breastfeeding in the US is over-hyped, in my opinion. I wish it was an exaggeration to say that failure to breastfeed is seen as a failure to mother in the US, but it's really not.

I think both the French and the Americans do this wrong. There has to be a way to support moms without putting down other moms. We all need to calm down, just feed the babies, and make the choices that work for that mom, that family, and that baby.

Spoiler alert: that's basically how I feel about all parenting choices. 

Sleep

The French do something called "the pause". You wait a few minutes to respond when you hear baby wake up in the night. It gives them a chance to go back to sleep on their own, and lets you determine if they are really waking up or if baby is just in light dreaming.

I had the same reaction that the French moms did in the book. It wasn't even something I registered as a parenting technique. Once Druckerman laid it out though I had the same "oh yeah, we do that" reaction the French mothers had in the book.

Accidental French-ness!

Play

I've written before about how I don't follow my kids around the park. Druckerman brought up something that some Americans do that really bugs me: narrated play.

I just don't get this one.

It often involves the parent tailing the kid all over the playground speaking in a loud, high-pitched, voice about EVERYTHING the child does, touches, or might see or hear. 

It sounds like an adult re-enacting Caillou. It's terrible. For the sake of all of us, please don't do that at the park. 

At home - fine, whatever - but we're all stuck at the park. Little darling is capable of discovering sand without information about it being squeaked at her. Promise.

Food

This is another place where I somewhat do the French thing because that's just what worked for me. 

I make most of our food from scratch (because it's cheap), and can easily spend 2-3 hours making dinner. There is no way I'm making multiple different dinners for picky eaters. They don't have to eat everything, but they have to try everything.

Often I'm surprised by what they like. Therese can eat an entire bunch of kale if you make them into kale chips, but will just take a single bite if they're sauteed. They LOVE sushi, but dislike chicken nuggets. 

Who saw that coming?

This a photo of the 1 year old eating all the Kale over her Mac and Cheese. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don't really do food in courses they way the French do in the book - after spending that long cooking I want OUT of the kitchen. So everyone can learn to deal with eating the food I put out at once.

Totally on board with the French approach to sweets. I'm not a fan of flat out bans on whole food types. Unless there is a significant allergy or health condition involved, I think shunning categories of food breeds unhealthy thought processes relating to eating. 

I don't do moral evaluations of food, and I really don't want my kids to view foods as "good" or "bad". Because they're not. Everything has a proper place in life.

Authority

The French are shown in the book to have very clear lines of authority between parents and children. The kids get strong boundaries but they have a lot of choices within those boundaries. But the final authority always rests with the parents.

I've never had a problem being in charge. My family refers to it as "getting your Kirby on" when you need to speak up for yourself or hold ground.

I want my kids to learn how to make good choices, but in order to do that I have to provide some parenting scaffolding (to use an education buzzword.) There ARE dumb choices kids think are great ideas. If they won't be too badly hurt, I let them figure that out on their own. Other times I need to own my authority and say no.

I expect the kids to respect my no, and they generally do. Kids have an amazing capacity to rise to the occasion - the parenting skill lies in observing and determining what is a reasonable expectation.

AKA. I get a lot of use out of my Anthropology degree.

Date Night/Marriage

One of the first lessons we had during marriage prep with our awesome priest was that the marriage should always take priority over the kids. That sounds terrible at first, and is really hard to do in practice, but I see what he was getting at now.

Bringing Up Bebe shows the time after the kids are in bed is now "adult time". French parents are unapologetic about needing that time. 

Without taking time out from being mom and dad, it is oh so easy to lose that base of being wife and husband. We only go out on a date maybe once a month. The other weeks we try to set aside an evening to hang out at home. Our current favorite thing after the kids are down is to bring a big candle and chairs up to the roof of our building. On a clear night, it's a great view of the Bay.

This night it was too windy to get the candle to light, and too foggy to see the bridge, but effort was made!

The book brings up how the French do not expect men and women to be equal at home. I agree and disagree with this one.

The honest truth is women do bear much of the weight when it comes to carrying a child, parenting, and running a home, and there can be a lot of stress on the marriage when things are expected to be perfectly equal. I don't think men are incapable of helping with parenting and housework. I think most can be good at it given the chance to develop the skills.

The women weren't born knowing how to do this either.

Daycare and Working vs. Staying Home

Again, I really don't care people.

I happen to like staying at home and taking care of the kids- this works for me and my family right now. All decisions - be it schooling, parenting, jobs - are all made on a case by case, year by year basis.

I reserve the right to change my mind.

It's not threatening that other people make different choices. Really.

Overall

I found the book interesting because I love learning how other people do things (hence the whole being an Anthropology major thing).

Will I change anything based on this book? Probably not. What I would do, I do already. 

It is a fun, and fast, read. I enjoyed it.

It's important to bear in mind with all of these "how people parent in other countries" books is that that parenting style grew out of the needs and history of that place and people. Some of it might work for you, but I shy away from elevating the parenting of another culture as a monolithic better.

It's very tempting to think the grass is greener somewhere else, but it's worth noting where American parenting has some upsides. Many European countries are overwhelmingly homogenous in terms of demographic make up and in parenting style. There is often "The Way" most everyone parents.

I happen to appreciate that we have a wide range of parenting styles in the US. Diversity is a good thing.

7 Things I Love About Him - Happy Birthday Matt!

Linking up with Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum.

This weekend I'm off for a childhood friend's wedding back in Dallas. (Our mothers tell us we met while still in diapers.) 

That means I'm going to miss the husband's birthday on Saturday AND Father's Day on Sunday. All in one fell swoop. 

Yup, total wife sad times here.

I thought it would be fun to make a list of 7 things I love about Matt. 

Matt, THESE ARE IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER! Seriously. This is my sleep deprived brain in the process of acquiring caffeine writing this! So here we go....

1

He Eats Everything

This is my mom's favorite thing too.

He genuinely loves most everything someone cooks for him. When it's not great - and sometimes my experiments get too experimental - he still eats it and says nothing about it.

Gold star!

2

He's a Nerd

This is a good thing!

When we met, Matt was in the Philosophy PhD program at UC Berkeley after having just finished his undergrad at Princeton. He's a smart cookie.

If you can't tell from how I sometimes get a little too excited about things like bog bodies, I'm a bit nerdy me-self. There's a big difference between humoring my nerdy times and actually enjoying them with me. I'm happy that it's mostly the latter.

3

He's Catholic

We're both cradle Catholics. Having that common starting point is such a blessing. 

It is so so nice to be secure in knowing that we will go to mass together and be open to raising kids Catholic. He even does some of our faith formation program for the preschooler.

He thinks Aquinas is awesome too. That's REALLY when he passed the test.

4

He doesn't have to share my passion to appreciate it

When I came back to dancing ballet Matt volunteered to take care of the kids while I was in class, didn't mind my having to buy dance gear, and doesn't urge me to stop when I get tired and sore. 

He does not dance ballet, but he can appreciate the hard work it takes to get make into something.

He recently started running again (he ran cross-country in high school) and competed in his first half-marathon! Next month he will compete in the San Francisco Half-Marathon. So proud of you honey!

Post first half-marathon!

5

He picks up where I leave off

He loves to do all the things I really don't. 

Things like meal planning and baking sweet things. Complementarity at work!

Ok I made this one, but it was all his idea! Chocolate Stout Cake with a Bailey's Truffle Filling and Chocolate Whiskey Glaze. A-mazing.

6

He's Really Cute

Just a fact.

Check out that smile!

From that time at a wedding when Matt went up to the bar to get an alcoholic beverage and came back with ...more water. #butitsitalianspringwaterhesays

7

He's an amazing dad

He does the nighttime parenting, takes both kids to mass by himself when I have to sing, and has single-handedly taught the babies to offer high fives when someone scores in any sports game on TV.

And he'll wear them around in public. (Awwwwwwwww)

Hiking with baby on your chest = pro dad status

"Hands in the air!"

Because I don't know if this picture could get any more stereotypical Dad. :)

I wasn't kidding about the nighttime parenting awesomeness.

Happy Birthday and Happy Father's Day Matt!

A Submarine Adventure and Catholic Dating

I got to hang out with some awesome ladies from church on sort of mom's day out in San Francisco this past Sunday. It was great! After getting lost, a couple times, we found the USS Pampanito.

We did the audio tour and I got to show off my awesome swinging through submarine door hole skills. Considering I did it in a dress, I think I'm pretty good.

All of the getting lost and walking everywhere led to some great conversations. Both of the other women are single and I like to have the opportunity to pick their brains about what types of faith formation and topics for discussions they would find appealing to their current state in life.

Both of them said they would really like more specific instruction/discussions about how to do Catholic dating. What types of qualities are you looking for in a dating relationship? Do you value primarily dating other Catholics? If so, how does one filter who is Catholic in name vs. actively practicing? How does discernment work at this point in life?

I think these, and more, are really valid questions and we, as a church, do need to minister better to this demographic. One mentioned that these questions do eventually get dealt with by the church ministries, but it is not normally until marriage prep. That's not exactly the most approachable venue for single people.

So here are my Catholic dating tips as someone who has done it in the semi-recent past.

1. Decide what qualities are important to have in a future spouse

I do think it's ok to have certain qualities in the "important in a future spouse" category, but it's important to really flesh out what it is about those qualities that is important to you. It's one thing to say you want your future spouse to also be Catholic, but what is it about their Catholicism that is important to you? Is it shared values? A shared identity? An attitude of openness to your faith?

I also think it can be a good idea to have a list of "strongly desired" qualities and "nice if" qualities. Ideally, the strongly desired should be shorter than the nice if list.

2. Work toward understanding the Church teachings on marriage and sexuality

It is really really hard to follow these particular teachings if you really don't get where the Church is coming from. The single most important source for understanding these teachings comes from Pope Saint John Paul II's Theology of the Body, I don't really recommend reading through the original Theology of the Body talks as a starting point because it is enormous and it was given as a series of talks that assumed you knew certain background information.

Get your hands on books by Christopher West, check out the Theology of the Body Institute, and be open toward working towards understanding.

3. Learn how to discern

This can be the hardest part for a lot of people. There is a level of discernment that occurs when you are thinking about the important qualities in a future spouse, but this is a deeper type of discernment. This is the discernment where you really open up to God and ask what you are meant to do. You might be called to something surprising.

Practice different types of prayer. Get a spiritual adviser (seriously, just call up the parish and ask one of the priests if he can recommend someone.) Make strong Catholic friends, especially of the same gender, who are also on this journey. I learned in the convent that nothing can provide some checks and balances on a spiritual journey quite like a group of other women who want you to find your true vocation in life.

Tomorrow is our fourth wedding anniversary. We were engaged about five and half years ago. In that time I feel like a lot has changed in the Catholic dating world. We met online on catholicsingles.com. Back then it was free for college students, and the online selection was a little different. Neither of us had very established Catholic friend circles in the area yet, so it wasn't a big concern to date someone within the friend group and risk potential difficulties from it not working out.

That's not to say this was an easy leap to take. When we got engaged I was nineteen and Matt twenty-two. A number of family members were uncomfortable with our upcoming wedding. We were, by far, the first of our friends to get married and have kids. But this was not a light decision. We really hashed out a lot of hot spot topics in those four months of dating, and were ready to get engaged. I really believe making that decision has less to do with time spent dating than with how that time is used.