We've all heard it. The how-I-became-a-better-person story in every self-help genre book. It normally starts with a tale of woe about how awful they were, how not enough, how behind, and how horrible the world was for them.
Maybe it's true, maybe some people have to hit their own rock bottom before making a change. But every time I read these stories I wonder how much more encouraging they would be if the self-loathing wasn't such an integral starting point?

Like what would happen if women (because let's be real, that's the typical target audience of these stories) could hear story after story of people making a change in their life out of a place of acceptance?
What if instead of fad dieting, in its many forms, we ate food for nourishment and in connection with other people?
Couldn't there be balance in our activities?
Making a change out of a desire to grow, instead of a desire to run away from our now-selves?

I think what's missing from most of the writing of self-help authors is a knowledge of the goodness and inherent dignity of each person. They're missing God.
Which isn't to say they don't respect the people they are writing for - clearly they think we are capable of becoming more than what we are. They just miss the point where without an understanding of the humanity end game, it's very hard to travel to that destination.

Most self help books fail to answer why we should want become what the author is proposing. Yes, sometimes it's wrapped up in studies showing why we should make this change, but those are often less convincing when investigated. Too often the author is arguing we should remake ourselves in their own image.

I have a favorite quote from St. Anthony of Padua on the subject - yes the guy you pray to to help you find lost stuff.  Many don't know that St. Anthony was a prolific writer, and we still have many of his homilies and talks. He has a beautiful perspective on how to approach becoming our best selves:

"Do you want to have God always in your mind? Be just as he made you to be. Do not go seeking another ‘you’. Do not make yourself otherwise than he made you. Then you will always have God in mind."

Oh how wonderfully freeing! 

What St. Anthony gets, and most self-help books don't, is in order to become our truest selves we must have a complete understanding of reality. An understanding of truth that leads us to see ourselves completely and fully as who we are. We have to seek ourselves to seek God, and seek God as we seek ourselves.

That means we can't buy someone else's prepackaged wellness religion. We can't shut off whole parts of ourselves. It often means leading a very different life from our friends and loved ones.

But we get something so much better.

We get to love others without the comparison, envy, and eventually hatred that comes from loathing ourselves. 

We get to take perfection out of its oppressive, perverted, usage and reclaim it for it's truth - that seeking perfection is seeking God who is perfect. 

We can take all of the anxiety and worry and pressures we have heaped on our shoulders, and notice that it's never been our burden. That was never meant to be there.

We are meant for love, we are meant for God, and we are meant to be who were created to be.

Thankfully, God is patient. He lets it be a process. I have all the leeway in the world to get frustrated, angry, and just done with trying. He lets me be sorry. He lets me stand up and try again. He's infinitely patient, infinitely good.

Seeking his path and truth is the image I want to discover in myself. It does take work. It does take effort. It sometimes looks like getting my butt to the gym and eating well. It does mean making time to read and continuing to nurture my mind. But that only stays helpful if I am seeking the me God sees. Because I am already who he loves - this isn't about making myself good enough for God. It's about learning to see myself in God's truth.

That's real self-help.

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Quieting in a Busy Season

I'm typically busy. When you ask me how my week was "busy" is a likely adjective I will throw you. But I don't mean that in a negative way.

When I say I've been busy, I don't automatically mean: stressed, overworked, over-scheduled, tired, stretched thin, or at the end of my rope.

I just mean busy.

Busy handling the things God has given me to work on. Busy living my vocation. Busy carrying the crosses I've been given. Busy saying yes to my life.

I don't want to be un-busy. However, I don't want to be without quiet. Contrary, perhaps, to popular opinion, I'm a strong believer that busy seasons are hospitable to quiet. Here are some ways I find quiet in my busy seasons.

Morning Time

I am not one of those "wake up an hour before your family for quiet time"people. My brand of busy typically causes late nights, so I need to find a space for morning time in a different way.
Where I've found the most consistent time in the morning, for a little space for prayer and quiet, has been in my room after breakfast and getting the kids dressed for the day. The kids are normally happy at this point, so they can play in their rooms or in the day nursery on their own for 15 minutes.

Some mornings the plan works perfectly and I get a whole 25 minutes of undisturbed prayer time.
Other mornings I get 5 minutes and have to pick up where I left off after I put down the baby for her morning nap.
Sometimes it's a rosary prayed in the car while getting to an appointment.
But even if it's a go-with-the-flow kind of day, finding a morning time for prayer has been a game changer for me.

Evening Pause

I don't know about you, but I am TIRED when it's finally time for bed. But I've been making myself pause to say Evening Prayer the past few weeks. It's shorter than the morning prayer, typically only takes me 5 minutes to say, and allows me a chance to tap back into the universal prayer of the Church.

Ending the 24 hour news cycle

I have started reading my local, hard copy, newspaper over my breakfast. Every morning. That is the vast extent of my news consumption for the entire day.
I don't scroll endlessly on news apps anymore. Or get sucked into reading comment sections.
Don't. Read. The. Comments. refrain does not work on me when I know they're right there!

I'm still up to date. I am still connected and knowledgeable about the goings on in the world, but I have my peace back.

Tea Time

I have been having tea with my oldest son after his sisters go down for nap, or with all the kids if we have an early lunch. Sometimes we read. Sometimes we chat. Sometimes we plan.
It's stinkin' lovely.
It might only be so for like 3 minutes before someone is crying in frustration, but a little bit of lovely can buy a whole lot of mom patience credits.

Reading

I believe that reading and feeding the intellect is an essential part of self-care. Finding the time to read can be tricky. I've made a system that maximizes the opportunity for reading, even in my busy seasons (because, of course I would.)

 I thought about the main areas I would potentially sit down, or be stuck for any amount of time, and then I put a book there.
So I have: an upstairs book, a downstairs book, a purse book, and an audiobook.

Upstairs book is for before bed, or if I'm up there keeping an eye on the baby while the kids play.
Downstairs book is for naptimes and any at home evenings. Sometimes for reading over a baby's head while I feed or rock her.
Purse book is for when I'm stuck in a doctor's office, or when I'm being my chronically early self and show up 20 minutes before a meeting begins.
Audiobook is for when I'm driving alone or sometimes for working out.

There's wiggle room. My Well Read Mom book selection gets priority location when we have a meeting approaching, but this system has allowed me to feed my mind and soul, internal quiet, even in the busiest of times.

Fix What You Can Fix

There are things in all of our lives that suck away our quiet in little ways. One of mine was stressing out rummaging through a spice cabinet on the opposite side of the kitchen from the stove. It's a silly little thing, but when you cook everyday those little inconveniences add up.

I finally cleaned out a junk drawer (which brings the total number of kitchen junk drawers down to three. It's a process.) and made...a spice drawer! In my kitchen island! Right where I actually cook!

It's a small improvement but it has greatly improved my stress level in the kitchen.

I don't have to address every little daily stressor immediately. But I should take control of what is in my control, and change what I can change.

Write it Down

I'm finally figuring out a groove for me when it comes to calendars and planners. I'm not a planner junkie, but it honestly takes Google calendar, a paper monthly/weekly planner, a bullet journal, and four binders to keep me together.

It sounds overwhelming, but it has taken away the repeating mantra of to-dos that swirled in my head constantly before (and I STILL forgot some things!)

The greatest virtue of writing down my plans and days is now I know what I did. I have a record of changes and hopes and dreams.
I can see where my aspirations of the day did not match up with the reality of my day. I notice tasks that have been carried over for weeks that I should either outsource or just drop altogether.

Finally, I can see the fruit of my labors. Much of my days at home are doing the same tasks AGAIN. Every day, over and over.
Outside the home, it can be a long line of rejections, nos, dead ends, and dropped connections.
But writing down my days and plans lets me see that I am doing something. I am accomplishing something. Even if I accomplishing it again, I have accomplished consistency!

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes.

How are you finding quiet in a busy season? Do you do any of these ideas already?

Caring About It All When You Don't Have Answers

There always seems to be something, doesn't it? Always something to be outraged about, annoyed by. Something that needs correcting. It's natural to feel burned out, tuned out, and tempted to numbness. But I don't think Jesus calls his disciples to become numb to pain or to silence righteous anger. Here's five ways we can care about it all, even, and especially, when we don't have the answers.

1 Clean your own house first

It's so much easier to be angry and correct "those" people. Those others. Those guys who aren't us.
Case in point: #postcardsformacon. Yes, the French president was a misogynist jerk to make that kind of blanket claim. He should be called out on that. But I saw post after post after post about THAT and crickets about the issues in our own Catholic Church.

Was not another Catholic woman upset that in that same week as Macon's comments we had multiple comments from Bishops claiming that women can be represented at the Synod without the vote? This is a Synod talking about vocational discernment, and women make up 80% of consecrated people in the Church. But not a single one can vote?

Before we get on this comfortable pedestal about how much more enlightened we are than the French president about the value of women in all areas, we need to notice the log in our own eye.

2 Be aware of your own baggage

Are there issues that you react to without thinking critically? I sincerely doubt any person can say an honest no to that question.
We all have our own prejudices and personal orthodoxies. It's not bad to let your history and experiences shape your perception, but it is bad to not be aware of the impact of your baggage.

For instance, I know that I need to wait a beat before talking about breastfeeding. I suffered under the "breast is best" message - to the detriment of my own health and that of my first two babies. I want desperately to prevent any other woman from going through that, but I must make sure I first understand what a mother is asking when she talks to me about breastfeeding difficulties.

Sometimes she doesn't want me to say anything, she just wants to tell another human being her honest struggles. Sometimes she wants me to point her in the direction of help. Sometimes she wants someone to tell her it's ok to do something different.

If I told every woman who talks to me about her struggles with breastfeeding to "just formula feed like me!" I would be an awful friend. That is tempting, having the answer feels good, but I have to keep my own baggage in check to be present to the other person.

3 Righteous Anger is not "emoting"

There is a bias toward stoicism in Western culture. We tend to think of the sterile and detached perceptions as the correct ones. If there is a whiff of intensity, we are told to "not be so emotional".
But emotional intensity does not necessarily equal "emoting". Emotional intensity can be an appropriate reaction to a great evil.

Emotions get associated with women, non-white cultures, and other people who generally not been welcomed in the public discussion sphere. I have experienced a group policing of other's emotionally charged reactions. Because the intensity of one might impact us all.
We wouldn't want those in charge to see the true impact of their choices. Let's keep that quiet.
And then we wonder how abuse and evil could possibly have been allowed to fester.

Don't be afraid of big emotions! But harness them. Let them out and look behind them to see what is informing them. Don't train your body not to be upset about upsetting things. 

4 Others can care more than you, but you don't get to not care

Sometimes the current outrage is outside of your range of experience. That's ok.
Maybe you have not personally experienced sexual abuse or systemic discrimination. It can feel overwhelming to process the reactions of people who have experienced something so far away from your own life events.

But it's important not to let the people who have lived through something awful to confront that awfulness alone. Christians are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. It's not optional to be unaware of the evils of the world.

5 Self care is important, but do it well

Self care is a concept that I hear many women struggle to reconcile with the sheer amount of demands in their lives. Because to give something to yourself, you must take away from someone else, right?
I don't think self care has to come from a zero sum game. I think there are more choices within our days than we give ourselves license to notice. But not everything we do in the name of self care is a healthy choice.

I hear many people say they no longer keep up with news. They honestly have no idea what is going on the in the world, their city, their community. Yes, it's probably mentally healthy not to be glued to our 24-hour news cycle, but it's not community building to have it's members be oblivious to issues.

Healthy self care, like most things in life, rests in the happy, yet uncomfortable, middle. Maybe you need to take a few days set aside to not be connected to news, but then you can come back from that ready to keep your news consumption within limited hours. The goal is to avoid extremism while still being informed enough to have productive conversations that have the power to move the conversation forward. We can't do that if community members don't even know there is a problem to discuss.


All of this is not to say that there can't be diversity in our reactions, responses, and concerns.
Not every single person is called to be an organizer, a writer, a speaker, a public doer.
But we are all called to love and be connection with each other.
That calling means caring. Even when we don't want to hear it or think there is nothing we can do.

What do you wish you could see discussed more often among Catholic women? Is there something that has been sitting on your heart that you wish you could share more openly?

Postpartum Lessons + What's in My Postpartum Kit

The greatest lesson I learned from giving birth to my first baby was that birth is not the hard part. Birth is a finite thing - that baby is coming out one way or another. What really got me long term, physically and mentally, was postpartum.

Postpartum was a drop kick into deep water that first time around. I went from having regular appointments with my midwife, to the office not even having my file available when I called them about potential PPD within the first six weeks. "Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative" meant that I came home from the hospital incredibly sleep deprived. I had no idea what I needed much less how to get my needs met.

The prep classes from the hospital were about the process and tools for getting through labor, with a nod to postpartum at the end. In fact almost all of the pregnancy books given to me/that I found at the library focused on getting through labor as smoothly as possible, but completely missed the gravity of postpartum care needs.

Once I was postpartum, and in desperate need of help and care, it seemed like the general response of both the medical system and my community was to stop their ears and shut their eyes. The recent study regarding maternal mortality rates was oddly comforting. It's not just in my head, postpartum nurses are ill informed about postpartum dangers and consequently do not respond adequately. The difficulties I went through with my first postpartum experience are not normal and should not have been ignored, but they were.

Hopefully I am now a better advocate for myself in the postpartum period, but frankly that is not something we should be demanding of postpartum mothers! It should not be the job of the suffering, bleeding, sleep deprived, and overwhelmed to get those in authority to do their jobs properly. Period.

I do things drastically differently now.

I am very upfront with my providers regarding my concerns about postpartum, and I don't let non-committal answers slide.

My husband takes at least two weeks off from work if at all possible.

We plan out meals and resources. The time to search for a babysitter, mental health provider, lactation consultant, etc. is NOT during your postpartum. Trust me, get those names and numbers written down and available now.

I educated myself about what true normal is and what it is not.

I learned about myself. The truth is there is a wide gulf of grey between "immediate medical emergency" and "still not ok". It's in that grey space that far too many women spend their postpartum. But it does not have to be so! With my last two babies I have learned the things that get me out of the grey into the light zone of "doing ok".

Nothing here is a magic bullet, but everything in here has been a help to me. Maybe it will help someone else!

Here are the top seven things I keep in my postpartum basket.

Aromatherapy

The scents that I associate with being calm and supported can make me relax and slow down so quickly! These are the same scents I use in labor, and frequently when having a recovery day during intense dance or theater times.

I have this pod diffuser, but generally prefer to do a drop or two on a cotton ball for the smell. That way if it's not working for me that day, I can just put the cotton ball back in the baggie and it's gone.

Spiritual Support

I completely forgot about the importance of spiritual support in my first postpartum. Prayer and connection to the wider Church is a great way for me to combat the feelings of isolation in those first few weeks. This small crucifix and bottle of holy water live on the dresser next to my bed during postpartum. There will also be a rosary, but it's currently living in the labor kit.

Tea

I have a taste in tea that will make real tea lovers cringe. My other favorite is Orange Spice...cringing yet?

But this is what my coffee-lover heart likes when I want something hot to drink but should really be cutting down on the caffeine for a bit. Whatever says homey comfort to you, put it in the postpartum kit!

Cloth Breast Pads

Breastfeeding will likely not be long lived again, but I like to have these cloth breast pads in the postpartum kit just in case. I find the cloth pads much more comfortable than the disposable version. When everything else in your body is a little achy, I believe in upping the comfort level where ever possible!

Belly Wraps

It was a shock to me to try and sit up in bed after my first was born. I couldn't do it! Those poor abdominal muscles have just been through a multi-month stretch and they are plum tuckered out.

Starting about day two or so I like to start gently wrapping my belly. I use a super long wide cotton muslin for wrapping at home, and a Velcro one from Target when out and about.

It makes a big difference for retraining all of my muscles what straight feels like when I've gotten sway backed and off during the final weeks of pregnancy.

Cloth Pads

I'll be honest, I thought it would be a lot grosser to use cloth pads than it is in reality. They are fantastically more comfortable than wearing the giant disposable ones for weeks. The less I can feel like a small child in a diaper the better.

Tinctures

Both of these herbal tinctures are now requirements for my postpartum kit!

After pains were not explained well at all before I had my first, and holy cow they don't get any better with later babies! Taking the AfterEase with ibuprofen did wonders for being able to take the edge off the pain in those early days. I find the ibuprofen works longer, but the AfterEase works faster. Faster is important!

I have learned that the most dangerous time of day for postpartum me is evening and night. ReBalance taken with my placenta pills before bed helps calm the hormonal swings of night wakings and sporadic sleep. (Sleep is still extremely important though people! Do not skimp on the sleep!)

Not in the kit but prepared and ready in the house:

Freezer meals that can mostly be thawed and dumped in the crockpot.

Cookie dough is an accidental addition to our postpartum traditions, but having some fresh baked cookies in those early days has turned into a sweet way to welcome a new member of the family.

Maternity Tea is something I drink all through pregnancy and through my postpartum. I mix up my own infusion herbs from bulk. My recipe is very similar to this one.

Sitz Herbs for healing. I've never torn (knock on all the wood) but sitz bath herbs are still soothing during the recovery period.

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For a little background about why I care so much about postpartum care:

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What are some of your postpartum must haves? What have you found to be a helpful addition to your postpartum?

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

Building a Healthy Body Positivity

Honest truth, I was the chubby kid in ballet class.

No one called me that, but like most kids I was observant enough to notice.

I was too tall to be in the front of the class, and muscular enough that I often partnered in the guy's role. Dance school uniforms meant that I could not hide the fact that my leotard and skirt looked very different on me than on my classmates.

Going through puberty in front of a mirror was a struggle. I could not ignore what was staring me in the face many days of the week.

The dance world had woken up to the idea that the need to conform to one ideal of a "ballerina body" was driving out talented dancers. There was less pressure to eat a certain way or look a certain way. However, there was a cone of silence around navigating normally fluctuating weight - especially during the puberty years. After years of getting it wrong, everyone was trying so hard to do right, they did nothing.

So I plodded along, unsure of my strengths, and clueless for how to address the weaknesses in my dancing and in my body. I started to think maybe the problem was ballet. Maybe I just did not have the body for ballet and I should find a dance style that would be a better fit.

I did ballet-modern and learned a number of other styles, in addition to the tap and jazz my dance school offered.
I went vegetarian for a few years to see if that would help.
I generally flailed around trying to figure out where I fit. Kind of how puberty goes down for a lot of people.

Now, as an adult, I aim for a healthy body positivity. This means largely accepting the realities of my body while working towards strengthening my weak points.

Ballet will not let you be in denial about the realities of your body, it's true. I think that's a good thing.

Even the most perfect ballerina does not have a "perfect body". We all have unique quirks and struggles.

I have hyperextension all over the place. Which is a genetic gift when I need to make a pretty picture pose, but it makes it physically impossible to close my legs in fifth position. I need to use fifth position a lot.

I have very flexible feet. It's great for pointe work, but it also makes me just as able to sickle my foot (bad) as much as I can wing my foot (good).

I am not a tiny person. I build muscle fast, and I will never have the ballerina look. It is a fact of my physiology.

Accepting my bodily reality is not saying I cannot improve or that I cannot dance. It merely means I am accepting the truth of my body and am choosing to work with that reality. Choosing to work with an impossible ideal in mind is not only an unhealthy choice, it would make me a bad dancer.

What I wished had happened during puberty was someone taking the chubby dancer in the back under their wing. She needed someone to walk with her to learn how to see how these strengths and weaknesses were interconnected.

Your mainstream "body positivity" does not work well for kids who are growing up in front of a mirror. It reeks of hypocrisy. Telling a kid just to love the body they have and to not try to change it is in direct conflict with the message that if they work hard they can achieve their dreams.
Kids are smart. They notice these things.

A healthy body positivity discerns the difference between working with the body you have and being resigned to your body. Working with your bodily reality is empowering. It acknowledges that I have agency over my body. Being resigned to my body would mean letting the body control me. It would be disordered and fundamentally unhealthy.

What are your thoughts on building a healthy body positivity? Has this been a struggle in your life?

Reset Tools - For When Your Day Has Derailed

Ever have one of those days where it feels like the entire day just got off the rails? Life starts to feel out of control. While your rational brain knows these are all little insignificant things happening, the impact has worn on you and you just want a reset button.

We had one of those mornings today. 

A bad night of sleep, while already sleep deprived, plus early rising toddler and misbehaving preschooler.

I was emotionally done with today before 8am.

Since I, clearly, cannot actually check out of the day before it's really began, I started my bad day reset tools. These are the things I use to get in a better mood, clear my head, and mother in a less irritated fashion. I start with whatever sounds good at the moment, or just pick one at random.

Drink Water and Have a Snack - When I'm having a bad day, I stop taking care of my own needs because I'm going into crisis mode. Taking 5 minutes to have a snack (preferably with protein in it) and a big glass of water helps me start the train of properly taking care of myself again.

Get Outside - This instantly gives both me and the kids some breathing room. Get some Vitamin D and go slow. You don't even have to go anywhere. Some of our best walks have been going very slowly around the block inspecting all the bugs, flowers, and other critters we find.

Hot Beverage - Something about warm drinks makes me instantly feel cozy. Coffee is my go to, but you could also go for the soothing chamomile tea option.

Aromatherapy - My husband won a bunch of essential oils and a diffuser at his company Christmas party and I have been making excellent use of them! Lavender is an obvious go to when stressed out, but I find mixing it up with other scents helps me snap out of my mental funk. My favorites right now are the Uplift, Fresh, and Focus blends from Everyone.

Pamper Time - If I can take a break (maybe during naptime, have the kids play outside, or have a movie afternoon) I like to do some pamper time things. I make a DIY foot soak with epsom salt, baking soda, and some essential oils. Use a rice sock. Give myself a hand massage with yummy smelling lotion. Sometimes my muscles need a little reminder to stop holding all the tension.

Get Moving - Once the kids are in a more cooperative mood (or at least occupied) I get moving! Turn on some music that makes you happy and have a dance party. Stretching is super great for getting me in a better mood. I will often do my Pilates/stretching rosary to get me reset both physically and spiritually.

Call on Helpers - When  it feels like the above tools are not working (which happens sometimes) I call in reinforcements! I might call my husband just to commiserate. Text with a friend. Go to the park and introduce myself to someone new. The goal is to get me out of my mental rut and get re-grounded in reality. 

What are some of your bad day reset tools? Do you do something totally different?

Achieving Quiet When You Have a Busy Life

Our topic with The Zelie Group for the month of January is "Quiet". Quiet is often longed for my moms, with many feeling like they never achieve it. I live a very busy life, home with two little kids during the day and dancing or rehearsing at night, yet I still feel like I live a quiet life.

I believe quiet is largely an inner state. My life is busy but it isn't stressful. It's hard but it's not overwhelming. Quiet, for me, is finding that inner balance and healthy mental place. Here are the practical ways I make quiet happen.

Commit to a 20 Minute Prayer Something

A surprisingly large number of prayers and devotions only take 20 minutes. I alternate between praying a rosary, reflecting on the mass readings of the day, and prayer journaling in my prayer time. I've found that I need to treat prayer like an exercise, it's a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it. Just like with my physical workouts, I do better when I vary my spiritual workouts.

Find Your Rest Time

I commit to the first hour of nap time as my rest time. During this time I cannot work on emails, write blog posts, check social media, workout or memorize lines. (During Lent this also becomes a no tech time too.)

This is the single best choice I have made for managing my time during the day. I have the type of personality that really will work non-stop from when I wake up to when I go to sleep. I have to schedule my rest and provide incentives to myself. I only watch my Netflix shows during this time. I will make DIY foot soaks, try out new face masks, make a tea tray for myself, or just listen to a whole music album.

It's the beginning of naptime so if we have a very short nap day rest has happened. I've found rest has to be a priority or it won't happen.

Ask For What You Need

In order to make the space for quiet in a busy life, you have to do some personal discernment to understand what that means for you. Is actual silence a requirement for you? Do you need to leave the house? Do you need a buddy to help keep you accountable for praying or resting? Are there thought patterns and blocks for you to mentally quiet down? If so, can you talk with your spouse, a friend, a priest, spiritual director, or counselor to work out how to break down those mental barriers?

There's going to be some trial and error, but it is worth the effort.

Recoup Your Lost Time

If your struggle is simply finding the time that isn't filled with daily tasks, work on clearing up the time clutter. Is there a way to cut down on laundry or cooking time? You could streamline some of your daily routines or make some set routines. Are you always searching for things? Perhaps it's time to do some purging and organization.

Maybe you get surprised by time. Sometimes an appointment is late, I'm waiting for the bus longer than expected, or I have a 20 minute walk between locations. I always have a rosary in my purse so I can pray on the walk home from the park, and I bring along my current book so I can sneak in a chapter if the opportunity arises. The goal is to have the ability to do the things that mean "quiet" to you when you have the chance to do them. Carpe diem!

Do these things sound helpful to you? What brings quiet into your life? Do you have a totally different definition of quiet from me? I'd love to hear about it!
Post your answer in the comments or link up your own post!



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And here's My Sunday Best: Torrential Downpour Edition!
We're experiencing an "atmospheric river" right now. It sounds like it's going to be fun.

Infinity Veil: Veils by Lily
Necklace: Family heirloom
Dress: Hand me down from a college hallmate
Tights and Boots: Target

Self-Care Is Found By Jumping Off Cliffs

Welcome back to JEI (Just Enough Info) with The Zelie Group!

This week we're talking about self-care.

I'm a big proponent of the concept of self-care, but I've noticed that I tend to do self-care by jumping off proverbial cliffs. 

When I need to *really* re-charge, I have to learn how to trust other people (ahem, husband) to keep the home ship aright. Because this recharge is not going to happen with tiny humans afoot.

So here's a glimpse at my liquid fuel, how I push my limits to relax, and why it's super important to make this not a once-in-a-blue-moon thing.

What is your mom beverage of choice?

Well I suppose this one falls into different categories: Daytime and Relaxing time.

My daytime thing is coffee. Like lots of coffee. I really love coffee!

I don't like black coffee. I prefer Whole Milk to about this level of pale.

But I'm kind of ok with just decaf when needed. I've learned that I really do just love the taste of coffee (warm coffee though). It's not about the buzz for me.
But also not complaining about said buzz. When it's 10:00pm and I'm still at the studio, I'm super happy when I've had a cup before class.

Now my alcohol drinking style has been summed up as "old man". I like straight up drinks that, are balanced, but don't hide the fact they are alcoholic.

If it's beer - I'm going for stouts, porters, and anything with the word black in the title.
Mixed drinks are leaning towards the Bourbon, Whiskey, and Scotch varieties.

An Old-Fashioned is my go to at a happy hour.

I'm basically anti-tiki bar. I don't do Vodka. Gin is the closest overlap to most women's drinking style.
It's ok. I've found it to be bonding material with the priests and seminarians.

What do you do to relax?

I had to think long and hard about this one because I'm really bad at relaxing.

Like really REALLY bad.

Like whenever I get some free time I find myself texting/emailing/gchatting someone something along the lines of "crazy idea, but...." then we proceed to pull off something ridiculous yet awesome.
It's how I roll.

I think Ballet, and dancing in general, is how I really relax.

Yet ballet is not intrinsically relaxing. I mean, have you SEEN people dance ballet? Bodies ain't supposed to do that.

I think all dancers are just a little crazy. We're all convinced that we just need to try it one more time, work just a little harder, try just a little more, and we'll finally be able to push beyond where we've ever gone before.
The crazier thing is - it works. It actually happens.

When I'm dancing I have both definable physical goals (get my turn out stronger, legs better supported, push over my foot faster) but I also have less definable artistic goals.

Ballet is more of a mind game than most people know. Yes, you need the brute muscle strength to be able to developpe a la seconde, but it's what you're *thinking* about that lets you dance it.

Getting to Ballet class is a priority for me in my week. When my husband is traveling for work, I make a point to get a sitter so I can make it to my evening classes. It makes such a difference!

At the ballet, I'm not a mom. I'm not "too young". No one cares about what academic position I have on any controversial thing. We don't talk politics - in fact we hardly talk. We just dance.

At ballet, I may know really intimate details about another student's physical struggles, weaknesses, and strengths. I will trust them not to drop me, kick me, or hurt me - literally trust them with my life sometimes, yet I may not even know their names. It all doesn't matter when we're dancing.

There is something really freeing in being able to start anew every time you go out on stage or into the studio. It's such a beautiful exercise in trusting a stranger, and letting them see something deep about you.
I hurt every day after class, but I keep coming back for that beautiful moment when it all clicks and it works. It's worth all the soreness and blisters.

When was the last time you got away with girlfriends or alone (and the grocery store does NOT count)?

We went on our second honeymoon this summer, plus two weddings that I attended in Texas sans husband and kids.

I'm very lucky to have a husband who has totally "got this" at home. I have no question he can handle dinner, bath time, and bedtime. It was hard won - he had no younger siblings or babysitting experience and so truly had to learn from scratch, and I had to learn to let him learn. He still does not parent or do household things exactly as I would do them, but letting that happen is how I've worked at giving him the space to parent. Because I've let him do that, I have the ability to regularly have evening events!

I do think it is extremely important for moms to remember that they are not "just" moms - you are also women. Women who need friends, adult companionship, and intelligent conversations. And I'm talking about conversations that are not just about kids, as absorbing as they are.

Between ballet classes, choir practice, Endow meetings, and "friend dates", I feel like I can work on developing my skills as an artist, but also have interaction that is just for fun. Life cannot be allowed to be too serious or boxed in constantly.

I will be having a mommy traveling alone time this weekend! It's the Setting the World on Fire Conference in Los Angeles this weekend, and I'm so excited! Finally getting to meet a lot of internet friends in person, and see some old friends again.
Also my first time in LA outside of the airport. This should be fun. :)

******************

Your turn!

Link up if you have a blog, respond in the comments if you're a reader.

Make sure you read the rules of the link up, and follow each of your hosts in some way!

Jessica – Pinot Noir and Prayers | Instagram | Facebook

Alicia – Sweeping Up Joy | Pinterest | Facebook
Kirby (me!)  – Under Thy Roof | Instagram | Facebook
Kerry - Fishbowl Fortune | Instagram | Facebook

Next week we're talking about the Angel feasts that are just around the corner!

Naming your Guardian Angel:  yea or nay?
Have you had any angel experiences?
How have you shared about angels with your kids?

In Defense of Screentime for Moms

Ever felt guilty about snagging facebook time while waiting for lunch to heat up in the microwave? Or checking email at the park?
There are a plethora of articles all over the internet about unplugging and minimal use of tech for moms. The message being that one cannot be present or "in the moment" of parenting while having just checked email, sent off a text, or updated instagram.

Last week I wrote about the kinds of screen time I like my kids to have. Because my oldest is only four years old, I don't have the struggle of limiting computer use, smart phones, or other gaming time yet. However, *I* make use of screens all the time, and contrary to internet belief, I think you can use a decent amount of screentime and still be "present" as a mom.

In fact, I think using screens can make you a BETTER mom. Used properly, screen time can be a form of self-care.

Here's what I'm doing on my phone or computer every day.

Having virtual community

Y'all, motherhood can be really really isolating with little kids.

I'm part of a number of Catholic mom groups, blogger groups, and an NFP group where I can find support and answers to questions I have about everything from NFP methods, to technical blogger help, to comradery in the struggle that can be taking little kids to mass.

I've done spin off groups of women forming temporary internet communities to pray a novena together or have a mom's book club via message board.

Organizing Real Life community

Facebook is far and away the easiest way to check in with my family and friends. It's where I organize events like movie nights and park play days. Email threads are always going about future event ideas, planning liturgical celebrations for the little ones.

As great as virtual community is for filling in those gaps while everyone else is away at work or school, it can't bring meals after a new baby is born or give a real life hug.

Getting inspired to keep doing this

I know it's not true for everyone, but I LOVE seeing other people's perfect moments.
Those Instagram feeds where the room is clean and bright and the kids are calm and playing sweetly? It's like instant de-stresser for me.

Scrolling through Pinterest and seeing other people's ideas for new meals to try and organizing tips lights my fire to get my own projects done. Pinterest is particularly great because it's not just "look how awesome and pretty this turned out", it's also "and here's how to do it!"

Dwelling on how hard this motherhood thing is right now doesn't do anything for making it better. Trying something new, and finding a way out of the rut makes it better. Remembering that it can be different, that it's not completely crazy to want to not be drowning in clutter, makes it better.

What about people who struggle breaking away from screens?

Just like everything that we struggle to balance, some amount of awareness and discernment is needed for all of these things. Maybe you only use Facebook for a particular time a day. Maybe you set yourself a task to complete and then you close the laptop. It's all about building the discipline to use these things in a healthy way.

I argue banning screens, or shaming moms for using them, prevents the good that is possible from having access to a virtual community. In a time when motherhood is largely a solo state for 8+ hours a day, taking away the one easily accessible link to the adult world seems less than wise.

The Rest of the Story - What a Mom Can Do To Help with PPD

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes.

Here is the end of the story of my experience with PPD (Postpartum Depression) after my oldest son was born. (Here is the beginning in case you missed it.) 

After sizing up the situation and realizing that there would be no applicable help offered in the hospital setting - I set to convincing the doctors and nurses how much I had improved. I definitely faked it. I was willing to say or do just about anything to get them to let me out of there and to get back to my baby.

I agreed to a low dose of Zoloft. I agreed to follow ups with a psychatrist. I showed up to every group activity they scheduled. I was the best little patient I could create. I agreed and smiled and nodded.

And I got the heck out of there.
Getting released was like finally being allowed to have my life back. Things were still not easy, but I knew now that it was really up to me to buck through it.
No it's not healthy, and I really really don't recommend it to anyone. But when I was faced with faking my way to better or staying in a hospital - I made the choice I felt I had to make.

My stay in the hospital put my milk supply in a death spiral. I quickly had to accept that formula feeding my baby was the only way he was going to survive infancy. I learned very quickly that that there life decision would get zip zero support from just about everyone.
Nothing like fighting to just make it through the day only to be talked down to and policed about what I dare feed my baby. I just wish that was an exaggeration.

I made a lot of structural changes when our second child was born. Here are my top 7 recommendations for moms hoping to hold off PPD.

1

Have the hard talks with your care provider

We're talking explict lay-out-the-plan for what kind of support you can expect, in the event you start to have depressive symptoms. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there" is not the response of a reliable postpartum care provider. You need a plan, honey!

2

Don't be afraid to switch care providers

Looking back, there were definate signs my care provider with my first baby was not going to be reliable postpartum. For starters, she danced around the direct question of "who will be delivering my baby?" multiple times. That's a question someone who professionally delivers babies should be able to answer.

I really should have looked elsewhere. Even if it was late. Even if it was scary. 

A health care provider who is worthy of trust is worth their weight in gold!

3

Be brutally honest with your husband

Most likely your husband is going to be the other person involved here who knows you well enough to see when you are not doing ok. Sit down and talk about the plan for postpartum. Who should he call with concerns? Does he have any dad friends he can de-stress with? Is he actually clear on what physical changes will be going on postpatum?

These are the answers he needs so y'all can be strong partners in the weeks ahead.

Be aware that dads often need to recover from birth too. Babies have a liking for being born at ungodly hours. No, it's not the same exact type of recovery as mom is going through, but sleep depreviation is no joke. I HIGHLY recommend taking two weeks of planned off time - off from work, outside committments, etc. - for BOTH of you. Taking the time to recover is the surest way you will both be able to meet any challenges ahead.

4

Prep as much as you can

Anything you can get done ahead of time, get done.

I'm a big fan of freezer meals! Anything that could just be thrown in a crockpot from a bag was the way to go. I have an itty bitty freezer, so I didn't do any full size casseroles.

Think ahead to things to keep any older siblings busy in those very early days with a newborn.

Got any pets? Handing off walking duty to an awesome neighborhood kid might be a great solution.

Especially if you have other kids, write down your routines and funky stuff. Because no one is going to magically know that the toddler says "nap" to mean "milk", or that that one bottle of laundry soap is really handsoap. (These are all real examples from my life right now. Yes, I know they could go so bad!) That's why we write things down. It's just the nice person thing to do.

5

Rally your community

This is part of prep, but it is so important it deserves its own spot.

Decide what you will need/like from your family and friends as best you can before birth and just ask! 

Set up a meal train (we used this one with Therese) so people can see when and what you need for food. Check with your parish/church to see what minstries are available. Take up those baby shower offers. 

It's ok to let people help you, and to show them what you need. No one was born knowing how to help families through transitions -some teaching is needed.

6

Find mommy friends but also non-mommy friends

You really will need people who are in this same season of life. Because there are just some questions that can only be asked around women who are in the know. 

But you might also need someone who does not also has the pressures of small children who can come and entertain the older kids at the park for an hour. People who can't always commiserate, but can empathize. Someone who is not also burned out from reading Barnyard Dance 50-bigillion times. Someone who might actually be available at 8pm when you are having a moment of "oh my goodness please tell me you want to drink some wine with me!"

A little distance from the up close and personal of raising small children can be such a breath of fresh air!

7

Hedge your bets

Been through PPD before and really want to avoid it again? Here's some other things I did that may or may not work, These are hedge-your-bets things that may not be proven to work, but I've had good results on them.

Always talk with your health care provider about these things before trying!

Tintures: I like the Wishgarden ReBalance and AfterEase (especially for 2+ time mommas!).

I found taking ReBalance before bed REALLY helped with the emotional coping of choppy sleep. It also seemed to make the placenta medicine more effective. 

AfterEase is for use as needed for after pains. They do get worse with each kid, and will flare up when nursing. Great alternative to popping pain pills!

Placenta Medicine: Yes it's weird. Can it help? Maybe. Honestly, I probably would not have jumped on this if I wasn't so desperate to avoid PPD the second time around. 

I went with getting the placenta dried and encapsulated without any added herbs. Not all herbs do well with everybody and you only have the one placenta. It would be a bummer to not be able to use it because of unnecessary additions.

I lucked out and my doula offered placenta encapsulation as well. This was far and away the easiest option. You can arrange for someone to just do the placenta processing as well.

****Bonus!****

This book was the most comprehensive and useful read for postpartum I've found yet.

"I'm so tired" - How to Recover When You're Too Tired to Function

Guys, I'm so tired.

And I mean that in the best way.

Last night wrapped up a long slew of dancing (hard) everyday, and often late into the night. It has been a very long time since I've pushed my body this hard, and suddenly recovery is VERY very important. 

I only have a two day mini-break (of stretching only) before another dress rehearsal on Thursday. So I'm going to take this opportunity to share with all y'all the recovery things I manage to do when I'm sleep deprived, so sore it's hard to move, and still have to keep up with a toddler and a preschooler in the morning.

Heat

When you feel sore and tired and gross, nothing really beats a hot shower. I learned a while ago to be a night shower person, but have grown to appreciate it more with babies. If you want this to be relaxing, it needs to be while little people are sleeping.

Need to get some heat on achy muscles, but only have a 20-ish minute nap window? Rice sock!

Fill an old sock with plain 'ol rice, tie or sew shut. Boom, rick sock! Throw it in the microwave for 2 minutes and you've got yourself a magical molding-to-your-body heating pad. 

Add in a handful of dried lavender for an extra relaxing element.

Every 3rd Drink Cannot be Water

Something I remembered the hard way early last week - you really can drink too much water.

When I'm pushing my physical limits, I aim for every 3rd liquid to be something besides water: herbal tea (iced or hot, with a spoonful of honey), Gatorade, bone broth.

It does wonders for keeping up energy and keeping the crampy legs away.

Enforce Nap/Turtle Time

Sometimes I'll have gotten my achy body through the morning chores, gotten some homeschool lessons in, been to the park or errands, and gotten everyone fed lunch. But then we get to post-lunch, and suddenly I. Just. Can't. Keep. Going.

This is what I call The Wall.

The Wall is a good thing. It's the thing that lets you know you have hit a limit and it's a very good idea to take a rest now.

I normally hit it twice a day: immediately post-lunch (about noon) and again after dinner clean up (about 6pm). 

The noon one is really important for me, since there is still the entire rest of the day that needs doing. Hence, my kids still nap regularly at noon. 

John is almost 4 years old. He's at the borderland of maybe not needing nap. 

So sometimes he naps, and sometimes he does Turtle Time.

Turtle Time is something we did at Girl Scout camp that is an amazingly brilliant parenting tool. 

There is an hour in the afternoon where you just stay on your bed. You need to have everything you need for Turtle Time ready within reach of your bed before Turtle Time starts (book, journal, etc.)

You don't have to sleep at Turtle Time, but you can't get off your bed (except for true emergency purposes), you can't bother anyone else, and you can't make noise. For one hour.

If I can manage an hour after noon of noone calling me, pulling on me, or climbing on me, the rest of the day becomes magically better!

Happy mommy = happy kids (and vice versa.)

Do Something With People

This might be an evening activity out of the house or a date night in with the husband, but it just can't be something physically demanding.

I add this one in here because it's true for me, but I would add the caveat that I'm on the extroverted side of the scale. If you are an introvert this might not be true for you.

I'm married to an introvert and he recharges by watching movies on Netflix. I can do that too, but it doesn't recharge or relax me. 

There is something about in the flesh interaction with people that reconnects me back to the world outside of dancing and babies (there is one, I'm sure!) 

Hope this gives y'all some ideas. Let me know what works for you to recharge and recover in your busy life!