We interrupt your regularly scheduled history programming (which I would love to hear your thoughts about the three installments so far) to bring you this special announcement:

We're Expecting!!!

Baby #4 is due a little after Christmas. Which in my case will probably mean January.

This baby is a lot of firsts for us.
The first baby to be born in Amelia Hill House.
The first winter baby (like send all the tips for surviving a postpartum in the middle of a Minnesota winter!)
The first baby where I get to have the same care provider as a prior birth.
The first baby who will be born in the middle of our homeschool year.

I love that even this many kids in, the firsts keep rolling and it's still exciting.

Kids reactions were as follows:

John and Therese - fist pumps, whoops, hollers, bets on gender (guess which one John wants so bad!)
Felicity - "No....no baby...................tummy?"

So she's getting there.

I'm feeling pretty good. The early pregnancy fatigue means these late night rehearsals are kicking my butt. And it's not even Tech weeks yet! (For non-theater speaking people: Tech is when you add in all the costumes, lights, and sound, and make your actors stay very late very frequently. It's the period where everyone starts to hate each other just a little bit. It's the necessary time before the show opens and suddenly we all LOVE this cast and NEVER want it to end! It's a thing.)

This baby and Felicity will be just slightly further apart than John and Therese. I liked that spacing so hopefully it works well again.

It's going to be quite the Christmas season this year!

Thworted in My Reasonable Expectations

In case you haven't figured it out from the lack of baby arrival announcement on social media, baby has not been born yet. It's only a few days past due date, but it very quickly felt like time was moving at me.

We all know the feeling of a hope, a prayer, that gets the answer "not yet". I've found the hardest to accept of those "not yet" responses are the ones that come for those hopes that were reasonable expectations.
These are not things that were a stretch or outside of normal.
These were things that seemed almost like certainties.

Not getting the promotion at work even after great reviews from your boss and a steady track record.

Not being welcomed into your neighborhood mom group even though these ladies have seemed perfectly friendly before.

Not finding "Mr. Right" by 35 even with a clearly discerned vocation to marriage.

These are the things that can rile us. The things that make you want to shake your fists at the heavens and demand an answer.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' declares the LORD." (Isaiah 55:8)

There's my answer. This is not up to me. This is not even up for my understanding.
Everything in me wants to say "I know, but....". That's normal and that's ok, but I'm not going to find peace that way. Peace will come when I stop riling against the injustice of the situation and start noticing the graces present in the situation.

Here are some of the graces of having a baby taking her sweet time finding her birthday:

Giving those little lungs lots of time to be ready for the hard work of breathing.

Giving me more time to shower my 5 and 3 year old with mommy attention.

Giving my husband and I extra evenings of at home date nights that are so much easier when all kids are capable of going to bed and staying in bed.

Giving me the opportunity to be physically uncomfortable and have something to offer up for others.

That there is still nothing wrong with me or baby, just her needing a little more time in utero, is something to be grateful for - even with the aches of late pregnancy. This is nothing I can't handle. God knows it, I know it, I just have to accept it.

The Last Weekend - An Approach to the Final Weeks of Pregnancy

Here we are - the final weeks of pregnancy.
The postpartum kit is made, labor stuff gathered, prayer intentions getting compiled. The preparations for a birth are a good distraction from the waiting game for a good while, but they end eventually.

So what is there left to do? We make these last weeks, when we could be sitting around twiddling our thumbs waiting for contractions to hit, into an adventure. I call it "The Last Weekend".

Getting to see the T. Rex. in the Life Sciences building at UC Berkeley the day before Therese was born.

The basic premise is approaching each weekend we have before baby is born as potentially the last weekend. The physical fact is I'm not getting any more comfortable just sitting around at home. Last Weekend means I have to get up and get moving.

At Fort Snelling labeling herself a malingerer in the guard house.
Her other options were thief or deserter. I'd go with malingerer too. 

Last Weekend gives us opportunity as a family to have those bigger adventures we might not be able to do for a few months with a newborn. John now associates the last weeks before a baby sibling is born as "adventure time with Mom and Dad". 

I want them to think of having a new sibling as a positive thing. My attention is very divided in the early weeks with a new baby, so this opportunity to embrace my kids as they are right now is a gift that is not going to come around again.

Minnesota State Fair. Corn dogs and fried oreos were had, and both had their first time on a ferris wheel.

The Last Weekend adventures do not need to be expensive. You might have noticed by now that I call anything out of our usual routine an "adventure". 

That means walking down the street to the pond is an adventure.

Trying out a new park is an adventure.

Having a picnic and camp out in the backyard is an adventure.

It's all about perspective.

Do you do anything special with older siblings before a new baby is born?

Spiritual Preparation for Labor and Childbirth

Somewhere in the last six weeks of pregnancy I hit a wall.

 An "I'm-so-done-with-feeling-huge-and-I-just-want-someone-else-to-hold-the-baby-for-a-minute" wall.

When that wall comes up, I need to shift my focus from my physical discomforts and pay attention to my spiritual preparation for labor and birth. These are just some of the things I have tried in the past, I would love to hear about other practices you use to spiritually prepare for labor!

Mother Blessing

It is very popular to have parties/gatherings to celebrate a new baby, even outside of the traditional baby shower. Past my first kid there really was not much I needed in terms of baby supplies. But I did need prayers and emotional support!

We had a mother blessing with our second child. The Book of Blessings has various forms of this depending on if it is led by a priest, deacon, or lay person - for a group, single couple, or just one mother. One of my good friends led the blessing, we made prayer cards for the baby, pregnancy, and birth, and lit prayer intention candles for each card. (I planned to use the candles during the birth, as a sort of relighting of the prayer, but labor had other ideas.)

I am hoping to make the group mother blessing our parish's Pro-life Committee sponsors, but that might depend on when baby decides to be born!

Prayer Cards from near and far

I found the prayer cards to be a wonderful way to connect with female friends and family who live far away! We decorated our cards at the blessing, and my mom, sisters, and far away friends mailed me their cards. I hung them up where I was likely to spend a good amount of my labor, and I kept them up through baby's first year.

She still has a stack of beautiful prayers in her baby box she will be able to look back on when she's older. I love the idea of a physical reminder for that baby to be able to see how many people were welcoming her, even if they lived far way.

Offering up Labor 

I have had very predictable twelve hour labors so far. That leaves a lot of time for prayer!
Bringing prayer intentions into labor helps me keep my mind off the pain. It is my greatest chunk of time to use as non-stop prayer, and, let's me honest, there's a lot of "offer it up" material!

In my last weeks of pregnancy I collect prayer intentions into one condensed list. I'm hoping to make this baby's list a little nicer looking than my previous loose-leaf binder paper lists.
(Bullet journal people - y'all seem good at making lists pretty. Ideas?)

36 Weeks! #MySundayBest with A Blog For My Mom

If you have a prayer intention for me, leave a comment or send me a message or email! (underthyroof at gmail dot com) I'm due September 23rd, but baby could come anytime starting Saturday so send them as soon as you can so I don't run out of time!

Do you do any spiritual preparation for labor and birth?

Postpartum Lessons + What's in My Postpartum Kit

The greatest lesson I learned from giving birth to my first baby was that birth is not the hard part. Birth is a finite thing - that baby is coming out one way or another. What really got me long term, physically and mentally, was postpartum.

Postpartum was a drop kick into deep water that first time around. I went from having regular appointments with my midwife, to the office not even having my file available when I called them about potential PPD within the first six weeks. "Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative" meant that I came home from the hospital incredibly sleep deprived. I had no idea what I needed much less how to get my needs met.

The prep classes from the hospital were about the process and tools for getting through labor, with a nod to postpartum at the end. In fact almost all of the pregnancy books given to me/that I found at the library focused on getting through labor as smoothly as possible, but completely missed the gravity of postpartum care needs.

Once I was postpartum, and in desperate need of help and care, it seemed like the general response of both the medical system and my community was to stop their ears and shut their eyes. The recent study regarding maternal mortality rates was oddly comforting. It's not just in my head, postpartum nurses are ill informed about postpartum dangers and consequently do not respond adequately. The difficulties I went through with my first postpartum experience are not normal and should not have been ignored, but they were.

Hopefully I am now a better advocate for myself in the postpartum period, but frankly that is not something we should be demanding of postpartum mothers! It should not be the job of the suffering, bleeding, sleep deprived, and overwhelmed to get those in authority to do their jobs properly. Period.

I do things drastically differently now.

I am very upfront with my providers regarding my concerns about postpartum, and I don't let non-committal answers slide.

My husband takes at least two weeks off from work if at all possible.

We plan out meals and resources. The time to search for a babysitter, mental health provider, lactation consultant, etc. is NOT during your postpartum. Trust me, get those names and numbers written down and available now.

I educated myself about what true normal is and what it is not.

I learned about myself. The truth is there is a wide gulf of grey between "immediate medical emergency" and "still not ok". It's in that grey space that far too many women spend their postpartum. But it does not have to be so! With my last two babies I have learned the things that get me out of the grey into the light zone of "doing ok".

Nothing here is a magic bullet, but everything in here has been a help to me. Maybe it will help someone else!

Here are the top seven things I keep in my postpartum basket.

Aromatherapy

The scents that I associate with being calm and supported can make me relax and slow down so quickly! These are the same scents I use in labor, and frequently when having a recovery day during intense dance or theater times.

I have this pod diffuser, but generally prefer to do a drop or two on a cotton ball for the smell. That way if it's not working for me that day, I can just put the cotton ball back in the baggie and it's gone.

Spiritual Support

I completely forgot about the importance of spiritual support in my first postpartum. Prayer and connection to the wider Church is a great way for me to combat the feelings of isolation in those first few weeks. This small crucifix and bottle of holy water live on the dresser next to my bed during postpartum. There will also be a rosary, but it's currently living in the labor kit.

Tea

I have a taste in tea that will make real tea lovers cringe. My other favorite is Orange Spice...cringing yet?

But this is what my coffee-lover heart likes when I want something hot to drink but should really be cutting down on the caffeine for a bit. Whatever says homey comfort to you, put it in the postpartum kit!

Cloth Breast Pads

Breastfeeding will likely not be long lived again, but I like to have these cloth breast pads in the postpartum kit just in case. I find the cloth pads much more comfortable than the disposable version. When everything else in your body is a little achy, I believe in upping the comfort level where ever possible!

Belly Wraps

It was a shock to me to try and sit up in bed after my first was born. I couldn't do it! Those poor abdominal muscles have just been through a multi-month stretch and they are plum tuckered out.

Starting about day two or so I like to start gently wrapping my belly. I use a super long wide cotton muslin for wrapping at home, and a Velcro one from Target when out and about.

It makes a big difference for retraining all of my muscles what straight feels like when I've gotten sway backed and off during the final weeks of pregnancy.

Cloth Pads

I'll be honest, I thought it would be a lot grosser to use cloth pads than it is in reality. They are fantastically more comfortable than wearing the giant disposable ones for weeks. The less I can feel like a small child in a diaper the better.

Tinctures

Both of these herbal tinctures are now requirements for my postpartum kit!

After pains were not explained well at all before I had my first, and holy cow they don't get any better with later babies! Taking the AfterEase with ibuprofen did wonders for being able to take the edge off the pain in those early days. I find the ibuprofen works longer, but the AfterEase works faster. Faster is important!

I have learned that the most dangerous time of day for postpartum me is evening and night. ReBalance taken with my placenta pills before bed helps calm the hormonal swings of night wakings and sporadic sleep. (Sleep is still extremely important though people! Do not skimp on the sleep!)

Not in the kit but prepared and ready in the house:

Freezer meals that can mostly be thawed and dumped in the crockpot.

Cookie dough is an accidental addition to our postpartum traditions, but having some fresh baked cookies in those early days has turned into a sweet way to welcome a new member of the family.

Maternity Tea is something I drink all through pregnancy and through my postpartum. I mix up my own infusion herbs from bulk. My recipe is very similar to this one.

Sitz Herbs for healing. I've never torn (knock on all the wood) but sitz bath herbs are still soothing during the recovery period.

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For a little background about why I care so much about postpartum care:

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What are some of your postpartum must haves? What have you found to be a helpful addition to your postpartum?

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

The Real Reasons I Homebirth

I see a lot of misconceptions out there about homebirth and the people who choose to plan a homebirth. We're not all anti-modern medicine, anti-science, or anti-vax. At least I'm not.

I've had a natural-ish hospital birth and a homebirth. We're planning for our second homebirth with this next baby.

My homebirthing is more proactive than reactive. Less about avoiding interventions and more about choosing what has proven to be more effective for me. Here are the real reasons I homebirth.

It's the best way for me to get good postpartum care

I wish this was not true but it has been for me. I was absolutely shocked with the lack of postpartum care, medical or otherwise, to be found using the traditional hospital system. You cannot drop kick moms from a tiny stay in the hospital to a six week check up and expect there to be a smooth transition. With home births I'm guaranteed in home visits by my midwife at 1 day, 3 days, and one week postpartum with a 2 week visit if needed. That's in addition to phone contact, doula visits, and other help.

It's respectful

Through so much of my hospital experience I did not feel heard - even though I had a CNM. My homebirth midwives have been very clear that we have a midwife/client relationship not a midwife/patient relationship. What that means is that I am legally and factually much more in control of my own birth and pregnancy experience. The difference is subtle but the shift in attitude is huge!

I am encouraged, and allowed, to take responsibility for my own birth

Part of agreeing to a planned homebirth is signing a form that states that I will take responsibility for my own education about birth choices, do my part to stay low risk, and prepare as well as I can for the birth and postpartum period. Planning is not an afterthought with a homebirth, and I have experienced much better support prenatally for making those plans with homebirth midwives than I was ever allowed with hospital midwives and OBs. In fact my visits with hospital based practitioners were more focused on breaking attempts at planning than support in planning.

I know who will be at my birth

Even if you have the best OB or midwife ever, you will still be at the mercy of the hospital on-call list when it comes down to who will actually be there when your child is born. I hated that I had to look up my son's birth certificate to see who actually attended his birth since I was never even introduced to the woman - before or after the birth. Giving birth is an intimate event and it is important to me that I at least know the names of the people who are there!

I am allowed to rest

I have absolutely no idea how anyone gets any rest in hospitals after having a baby. Getting woken up every 4 hours for vitals checks, no help caring for the baby, constant lights and noise, and uncomfortable beds are just not my idea of restful. Getting to sleep in my own bed, being left alone to sleep when I can, and to have a room be fully dark has done wonders for my postpartum health!

**********************

These are my biggest reasons for continuing to choose homebirth. 

No, I don't think hospitals are evil, they are just not a good choice as a birthing place for me. 

We still see regular Family Medicine doctors for check ups and illness. We get all our shots on schedule, and believe in evidence-based medical decisions. 

Having a planned homebirth is no guarantee of having the bestest-most-amazing-birth-experience-ever! It is important to be honest and realistic about when the plan needs to change or if homebirth is not a good option. 

In the coming weeks I can do more posts about things like preparing for a homebirth and tips for picking a midwife. I do think postpartum preparation, homebirthing or not, is one of the most overlooked aspects of preparing for baby. Here are my best tips for preparing for avoiding postpartum depression. I'll have to write one about preparing for postpartum more generally!

What questions do you have about homebirth? Is it something you would consider doing or have done?

The Hidden Scars - Dealing with Miscarriage and Secondary Infertility

I am told I am lucky.
I got my boy and my girl right off the bat.
"You're so lucky!," say strangers on the street. "Now you're done!"

Ummmm, why? I always wanted to finally turn around and ask, "What makes you say that?"

Because I didn't feel lucky.

When we had an early miscarriage after our second child was born, it was much more heart wrenching than it had to be due to social pressure to fall within certain reproductive expectations.

The following are real quotes real people have really said to me.
Like to my face.
And meant them.

Once you have a boy and a girl it's "so nice you're done!" It's a statement, not a question.

Any pregnancy less than two years after the last child was born must have been an accident. Because "why would you even want that?"

DEFINITELY never tell anyone about a pregnancy before 12 weeks. Because "what if something happens?!"

Well something did happen, and, ya know, it was not helped by keeping my child some deep secret.

Following our miscarriage it took a lot longer to get pregnant with our next baby than expected.
It's impossible to convey, without living through it, just what it's like to hope so hard every month.... and then see that tell-tale temperature drop on the chart and know that it wouldn't be this month.

Or the next.

Or the next.

But from the outside looking in everything looked perfect!
We're very healthy and active people. We have two cool kids who fill our days with antics and adventures.
But people are not Legos. You can't just swap out one kid for another, and my heart longed for the baby we lost and the ones I was no longer sure would ever be coming.

Sometimes it seemed like no one else even remembered that baby happened.

I entered a weird twilight zone where I would hope against hope that friends would make their pregnancy announcements on Facebook instead of insisting on telling me face to face. IKEA and Target on the weekends was like walking into a maternity catalog. It felt like every other woman in a 50 miles radius could get pregnant but me.

I faced the possibility that we might end up as a two child family.
With our boy and our girl. Socially approved.

I recoiled from the social approval. It felt backhanded. "Good job meeting the Orwellian ideal!" No room for difference. No room for growth. No room for humanity or empathy in there.

I am currently pregnant with our "rainbow baby" who is due to arrive at the end of September. This was a pregnancy announced right away. This child will not be hidden, her birth order will not be excused, and I sincerely hope she's not the last.

I hope for a society that is less focused on a reproductive ideal, and solely focused on the gift of humanity present in each child. I hope for there to be love and understanding for mothers like me who are suddenly staring at a battle with infertility. I hope for a first child and an eleventh child to be equally welcomed. I hope for the silent struggles and wounds of our hearts to speak.

Emotional and spiritual healing from my miscarriage is an ongoing process, so I was thrilled to see Peanut Butter & Grace was publishing a book focused on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss - Blessed Is The Fruit of Thy Womb by Heidi Indahl. 

What saint better understands what it is like to lose a child than Mary? The book prays through the rosary using meditations from Scripture, reflections, and prayer intentions. What I find most valuable are the questions and journal space within the book to write down the emotions and thoughts that arise from our prayer. 

The book does a great job of grounding the reader in the guidance of Mary and Scripture while consciously allowing the reader to process her own grief and experience. That processing is always followed up with a prayer intention for the larger world. 

Our grief is not unique. So many mother's hearts all over the world and throughout history bear the scars of child loss. Own your story, write it down, talk about it, don't forget your children, but also remember that others are with you bearing the same grief. Bearing the same wounds. Reaching out to each other, beginning through prayer, can be the first fruit that reconnects us back to each other.

Blessed Is The Fruit of Thy Womb is available on Amazon. You can follow more from the author, Heidi Indahl, on her blog Work and Play, Day by Day and on Facebook and Instagram. I received access to a free digital preview copy of the book for review, but all opinions and commentary is my own.

Gender Reveal! + Happenings

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

Happy Friday everyone! This was an exciting week in the Hoberg household.

1

Our Moving Truck Finally Arrived!

We can finally stop camping in our house! The first thing we legit cooked in our kitchen was spaghetti and it tasted so good after so much frozen food!

2

....But There Are Some Problems

The first thing we started unpacking was the coffeemaker (#priorities) only to find it smashed to pieces. Some other pieces were deeply dinged and a crate was temporarily lost. Somehow all of the boxes got piled into our sunroom and not in the room there were directed to be in. The box excavation is coming along and I got to get a new (super nice) coffee maker at Target.

So long trusty old friend. I feel like we've gone through a lot together.
.....your replacement is pretty awesome though....

3

We're Planting Our First Garden!

Having been apartment dwellers our entire marriage, we are so excited to have dirt! Tomatoes went in first, and the garden space already had chives, oregano, and strawberries thriving - even in it's neglected state.

I think peppers are next. John wants to make sure we include sunflowers, pumpkins, and radishes. I have no idea how the interest in radishes suddenly appeared, but rolling with it.

4

Dealing with the Wildlife

So far we've found that our yard is also home to: rabbits, gophers, chipmunks, various birds, and ants. 

Huge, swarming, ants. 

We're investing in some ant traps for the house, and hoping the current fencing around the garden is enough to give our new plants a chance.

5

Gender Reveal!

We found out the gender of new baby this week!

John and Therese got to be in the sonogram room for the big reveal and see their new sibling on the monitor.

Big brother and big sister are happy to tell you that.....

6

7

We're all incredibly excited!

Thanks to everyone who sent girl baby name ideas! We've got a good list going. Now we just have to winnow it down to one!

First Minnesota Sunday!

It's our first Sunday in Minnesota! I already feel like we hit the parish jackpot with this one. 

Beautiful music, great preaching, and learning, spiritual growth, and community opportunities galore!

We got lucky that today also happened to be the Sunday of the Knights of Columbus Pancake Breakfast benefit. After mass we got to go down and have yummy food while meeting new people.

Y'all, people are super friendly here! For each person we met they had 3+ people they wanted to introduce us to. We got invited to dinners, set up with homeschool group info, and Matt already has his Knights of Columbus paperwork in progress.

After spending many years as the only family with young kids at the early morning mass, we were thrilled to see so many families with littles all over the full church. Then we were told this was actually a very lightly attended mass as today is Confirmation day for the diocese and most families will be at the Basilica today. It just gets better!

We're still waiting on the moving truck to get here, but they say it should be this Tuesday. I cannot wait to have a functioning kitchen again! I wrote up my tips for moving with young kids over here.

Here's what we wore for My Sunday Best with Rosie at A Blog For My Mom!

Kid take away from Therese on our way out the door: "That's a very nice church."

Dress: Kohls
Belt: JC Penny
Shoes: Nordstrom
Infinity Veil: Veils By Lily
Bump: 20 weeks!

Yesterday was the 20 week mark for baby - halfway there! Tomorrow is our anatomy scan when we will (hopefully) find out if it's a boy or girl in there. The kids are currently campaigning for boy after almost a month of saying girl. I'm still trying to convince them that this is not a democratic process.

We have a likely boy name but zip zero ideas for girl names. If this baby is a girl I will need all the suggestions! We like saints names preferably and I'm good with uncommon ones.

Ballet While Pregnant - Yes You Can

One of the big contradictions in pregnancy advice surrounds exercising while pregnant. Generally everyone accepts that exercise of some sort during pregnancy is to be encouraged. Where the disagreement happens is when we try to decide what we mean by "exercise". EVERYTHING is, apparently, potentially dangerous.

Yoga - might stretch something wrong

Running - might fall

Pilates - might use your core muscles

Biking - might bounce too much

The list could go on and on. Some of these fears are valid and some are due to outdated understandings of pregnancy. But what, especially first time, pregnant moms hear is "this is something that could potentially hurt my baby" so they don't do it.

Y'all most pregnancies are not that fragile.

Birth is a marathon of an event. I can guarantee you it will be much much harder than necessary if you have not allowed yourself to maintain strength and flexiability.

18 weeks pregnant.

Some have been surprised that I have still been taking my regular Ballet classes - even well into my second trimester. Most are a little shocked when they hear that I fully intend to keep dancing through my third trimester too. When I push a little about why they find this surprising they mention that they assumed it would be too hard to do Ballet while pregnant, especially showing. Some insist it is dangerous.

I suppose it is dangerous, but so is crossing the very busy streets around here. I have yet to hear anyone suggest I avoid doing that.

Last night I had my last in-studio class. Not because of the pregnancy but because we're moving. I fully intend to keep training on my own. I can give myself a barre and center fairly well at home.
I don't do pointe work on my own (nor to I encourage anyone to do so, pregnant or not), but I can certainly keep up the training exercises that will allow me to get back to pointe work when I pick a studio.

I believe pregnancy is actually an excellent time to be dancing Ballet. Pregnancy forces me to pay much more attention to how I'm holding my center and turn out. I cannot cheat strength when my center changes so much from week to week. Being forced to be honest about my current abilities can only lead to better work.

Yes, exercise can be dangerous during pregnancy, but I believe most women have the common sense and wherewithal to listen to their bodies and be honest about their limits.

If you did not have a regular exercise routine pre-pregnancy, don't be afraid to start movement now! You will need to start slow and steady, preferably with a teacher, but there are certainly more choices available to you than just walking the entirely of your pregnancy.

How did you keep moving during pregnancy? What is holding you back from starting movement?

Maternity Fashion

I feel compelled to say immediately  #ThisIsNotAnAnnouncement.

Ok? Ok.

Moving on.

I do maternity fashion by NOT doing maternity fashion. I have a general policy against having clothes that I never wear - spare for a short time. I like my regular clothes and I feel so much more like a regular person if they're not off limits for the better part of a year.

Obviously, this only works if your regular clothes are, or can be made to be, maternity friendly.

Got ya covered!

Here's how I do that.

Pick pieces with adaptable waistlines

I look for empire-waists, flowing lines, elastic waists, or shift dresses that can be easily belted.

Layers

Dresses and skirts work really well for maternity until about the 3rd/late 2nd trimesters, and then suddenly everything starts to get a little high on the leg.

My trick for that is to either wear a skirt under a dress to extend the hem or wear a skirt on top of a skirt as a dress!

On the left is short sundress over maxi skirt. I changed this up later in the day by pulling the maxi skirt high enough to act as a tank under the sun dress. I threw a lighter sweater over that and belted. Done!

On the right is a skirt over skirt = dress! This was taken very late after Ballet. Can you tell my toes still hurt?

It's a fun way to get more outfit options out of your closet, and allows you to pair colors and textures from items that would not normally be worn together.

Get the Pieces that *do* need to be maternity

For me, these are maternity yoga pants and dress pants.

Yes, just pants.

The yoga pants are really needed for chiropractor visits towards the end of pregnancy (yea hyper-flexibility....).

Maternity dress pants are awesome - like I wear them when I'm not pregnant. 

They actually lay flat! 

And are comfy! 

They're like PJs you can reasonably wear to meetings!

Most women's dress pants, at least in my price range, are atrociously designed. These stay up, stay closed, and lay right. Win!

I'm pretty anti-maternity jeans. I find denim to be too heavy of a fabric to be held up by spandex alone. I have found a video about how to make your regular jeans into maternity jeans, which I might give a go if I found a type of jeans I really like.

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Here was My Sunday Best this week!
Which was really my Saturday best. We did the vigil mass because my husband is running the San Francisco Half Marathon this morning!

Skirt: Amazon (was for a dance costume but works well for everyday too!)
Sweater: Target
Camisole: Thrifted (aka probably used to be my sister's...)
Belt: JCPenney
Not Pictured: Infinity Veil in Charcoal Blue from Veils by Lily

Thanks for following along for Pants-Free July everyone!

I'm going to keep on wearing almost exclusively dresses and skirts. You can follow the hashtag on Facebook and Instagram to see more outfits other people put together this month, and hear how it went.

How French of a Parent Am I? - A Review of Bringing Up Bebe

I've had a number of requests to read Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. She's an American writer exploring French parenting as she is raising her daughter and twin sons in Paris.

Honestly, I was little sceptical of this book because it had been brought up so often. Fad parenting is way too popular in my area for comfort. But I finally concluded that I had to actually read the book before I judged it, so I would give it a go.
It was a fast and addictive read. I read it in less than a day. Here's where I mesh, and don't, with the French parenting choices portrayed by Druckerman.

Pregnancy

Druckerman makes a lot of the French pressure to keep up your looks and not gain too much weight during your pregnancy, and to lose it quickly after birth.
My gut tells me this is something that might vary depending on location and social group - even in France.

I've had a pregnancy where I gained a lot of weight (John) and one where I lost weight (Therese). Neither really had anything to do with the "paying attention" to food that Druckerman says French women do to stay slim.

My emphasis during all pregnancies has been on maintaining strength and flexibility, and eating what I need. (Birth is a marathon, y'all.) I keep as active as I always am, with adaptations as my belly gets bigger. I don't gorge on sweets but I don't deny them either. Never going to be a fan of needing to obsess about food - even in an attempt to be healthy. I've seen too many people go down bad roads that way.

Birth

Apparently natural birth is just not a promoted thing in France. It's assumed you'll get an epidural and deliver on your back in a hospital.

I don't know if I can convey the depth of not caring I have for other women choosing to give birth in hospital or birth center or home. I really don't care if you got an epidural or not, and I don't think having a c-section says anything about what kind of mother you are - nor is it some badge of pride to have a med free birth. We're all different people and we're going to need/want different things.

I care about the mom and dad feeling heard, safe, and cared for in the whole birth process. Past that...nope. 

Sorry everyone.

I didn't do well with cliques on the playground as a kid either.

Breastfeeding

Controversy Time!!

Because I think breastfeeding is a more emotionally charged topic in the US then birth (if that is possible.)

So Bringing Up Bebe says the French barely breastfeed. It's just not a big thing. Druckerman contends that it has to do with mom's need for autonomy. The general expectation is that breastfeeding will not be a long running endeavor.

Breastfeeding in the US is over-hyped, in my opinion. I wish it was an exaggeration to say that failure to breastfeed is seen as a failure to mother in the US, but it's really not.

I think both the French and the Americans do this wrong. There has to be a way to support moms without putting down other moms. We all need to calm down, just feed the babies, and make the choices that work for that mom, that family, and that baby.

Spoiler alert: that's basically how I feel about all parenting choices. 

Sleep

The French do something called "the pause". You wait a few minutes to respond when you hear baby wake up in the night. It gives them a chance to go back to sleep on their own, and lets you determine if they are really waking up or if baby is just in light dreaming.

I had the same reaction that the French moms did in the book. It wasn't even something I registered as a parenting technique. Once Druckerman laid it out though I had the same "oh yeah, we do that" reaction the French mothers had in the book.

Accidental French-ness!

Play

I've written before about how I don't follow my kids around the park. Druckerman brought up something that some Americans do that really bugs me: narrated play.

I just don't get this one.

It often involves the parent tailing the kid all over the playground speaking in a loud, high-pitched, voice about EVERYTHING the child does, touches, or might see or hear. 

It sounds like an adult re-enacting Caillou. It's terrible. For the sake of all of us, please don't do that at the park. 

At home - fine, whatever - but we're all stuck at the park. Little darling is capable of discovering sand without information about it being squeaked at her. Promise.

Food

This is another place where I somewhat do the French thing because that's just what worked for me. 

I make most of our food from scratch (because it's cheap), and can easily spend 2-3 hours making dinner. There is no way I'm making multiple different dinners for picky eaters. They don't have to eat everything, but they have to try everything.

Often I'm surprised by what they like. Therese can eat an entire bunch of kale if you make them into kale chips, but will just take a single bite if they're sauteed. They LOVE sushi, but dislike chicken nuggets. 

Who saw that coming?

This a photo of the 1 year old eating all the Kale over her Mac and Cheese. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don't really do food in courses they way the French do in the book - after spending that long cooking I want OUT of the kitchen. So everyone can learn to deal with eating the food I put out at once.

Totally on board with the French approach to sweets. I'm not a fan of flat out bans on whole food types. Unless there is a significant allergy or health condition involved, I think shunning categories of food breeds unhealthy thought processes relating to eating. 

I don't do moral evaluations of food, and I really don't want my kids to view foods as "good" or "bad". Because they're not. Everything has a proper place in life.

Authority

The French are shown in the book to have very clear lines of authority between parents and children. The kids get strong boundaries but they have a lot of choices within those boundaries. But the final authority always rests with the parents.

I've never had a problem being in charge. My family refers to it as "getting your Kirby on" when you need to speak up for yourself or hold ground.

I want my kids to learn how to make good choices, but in order to do that I have to provide some parenting scaffolding (to use an education buzzword.) There ARE dumb choices kids think are great ideas. If they won't be too badly hurt, I let them figure that out on their own. Other times I need to own my authority and say no.

I expect the kids to respect my no, and they generally do. Kids have an amazing capacity to rise to the occasion - the parenting skill lies in observing and determining what is a reasonable expectation.

AKA. I get a lot of use out of my Anthropology degree.

Date Night/Marriage

One of the first lessons we had during marriage prep with our awesome priest was that the marriage should always take priority over the kids. That sounds terrible at first, and is really hard to do in practice, but I see what he was getting at now.

Bringing Up Bebe shows the time after the kids are in bed is now "adult time". French parents are unapologetic about needing that time. 

Without taking time out from being mom and dad, it is oh so easy to lose that base of being wife and husband. We only go out on a date maybe once a month. The other weeks we try to set aside an evening to hang out at home. Our current favorite thing after the kids are down is to bring a big candle and chairs up to the roof of our building. On a clear night, it's a great view of the Bay.

This night it was too windy to get the candle to light, and too foggy to see the bridge, but effort was made!

The book brings up how the French do not expect men and women to be equal at home. I agree and disagree with this one.

The honest truth is women do bear much of the weight when it comes to carrying a child, parenting, and running a home, and there can be a lot of stress on the marriage when things are expected to be perfectly equal. I don't think men are incapable of helping with parenting and housework. I think most can be good at it given the chance to develop the skills.

The women weren't born knowing how to do this either.

Daycare and Working vs. Staying Home

Again, I really don't care people.

I happen to like staying at home and taking care of the kids- this works for me and my family right now. All decisions - be it schooling, parenting, jobs - are all made on a case by case, year by year basis.

I reserve the right to change my mind.

It's not threatening that other people make different choices. Really.

Overall

I found the book interesting because I love learning how other people do things (hence the whole being an Anthropology major thing).

Will I change anything based on this book? Probably not. What I would do, I do already. 

It is a fun, and fast, read. I enjoyed it.

It's important to bear in mind with all of these "how people parent in other countries" books is that that parenting style grew out of the needs and history of that place and people. Some of it might work for you, but I shy away from elevating the parenting of another culture as a monolithic better.

It's very tempting to think the grass is greener somewhere else, but it's worth noting where American parenting has some upsides. Many European countries are overwhelmingly homogenous in terms of demographic make up and in parenting style. There is often "The Way" most everyone parents.

I happen to appreciate that we have a wide range of parenting styles in the US. Diversity is a good thing.

On God's Time, But That Guy's Got a Sense of Humor

Linking up with Blessed Is She and #BISsisterhood, to talk about God's timing.

Our oldest child was born 9 1/2 months after our wedding. We get a lot of questions about if he was a "honeymoon baby", and subtle (along with not so subtle) inquiries about if he was an "oops".

Short answer is: not really and no. We had decided to "try to whatever" (TTW) for that cycle. We had no strong reasons to wait, but were not actively trying to conceive either.

It had occurred to me that having a baby at that point, my senior year of college and while I was writing my thesis and working as a TA and an Admissions Coordinator, might present some challenges. Not so much on not being able to do the work, that was fun at that point, but on being a pregnant woman at a school that tended to ignore the realities of reproduction.

My whole first trimester, I was a TA for Introduction to Women's Studies. You know, the class where we talk about women's issues all day all the time. I could not bring myself to tell anyone in that class for a while. When I finally did, they didn't believe me.

According to these women, pregnancy was hard, and scary, and potentially life threatening as a matter of course. I could not possibly be pregnant if I had been showing up for class, not sick constantly, and looking even more healthy than normal.

It was a hard, but enlightening discussion. A conversation that wouldn't have occurred if we had waited the more typical 2-5 years after the wedding to be open to conceiving. 

Reality finally set in for them when I came back for the last semester showing considerably more than in the Fall, but it continued to be an uphill battle to be seen as a capable person.

I'm not sure I would have had the courage to go through a pregnancy then if I had known the fight I was in for, but God knew. That guy knew the consequences of placing someone who challenged so many assumptions right smack in the middle of that class. 

I was there on purpose. I continue to be where I am on purpose - it's just not solely my purpose. And that's a good thing. It's how God keeps me from whimping out. He gets me.