Linking up with Blessed Is She this morning to talk about expectations. #BISsisterhood

Did you know we actually have scientific surveys on happiness? The World Happiness Report was established in 2012 and claims to measure international happiness. The survey asks respondents to think of a ladder, with the best possible life for them being a 10 and the worst a 0. They are then asked to rate their life on this 0-10 scale. 

You know who consistently scores the highest? Denmark. 

But the Danes themselves don't actually think they are all that happy. What they have are low expectations.

The Danes consistently rank their expectations for their lives pretty low at the beginning of the year. When life turns out not to be as terrible as expected, they are content with the year, and thus rank highly.

While this strategy of low expectations might score the Danes highly on these international surveys, I'm not really sure it's true happiness.

What if we were to try the Danish strategy with finding happiness in our prayer lives? Instead of being able to look back on a year that really wasn't all that bad, I think one would be more likely to find a year filled with missed opportunities, apathy, and a growing distance from God.

We really can't get away with low expectations in our prayer lives, because it doesn't function like a work life - it's more of a love life. It's a relationship, and relationships are something that need expectations.

Low expectations in prayer life seems akin to trying to figure out the bare minimum one can get away with doing. Perhaps the relationship will limp along by doing that, but I hardly think it's a recipe for happiness.

As Catholics, we are called to find the holy medium in many things - expectations being one of them. Low expectations are out, and expectations that are too high will cause a "crash and burn effect". What one needs is to find that beautiful, and holy, place where you are reaching for God from where you are - not where you wish to be.

As much as I would enjoy being in a peaceful convent where I could do my work and pray at all of the appointed hours - it's not where I am. I'm called to be a wife and mother. Right now, that means being a mother to small ones who have big, sudden needs for me.

I fulfill the needs of my children while also expecting prayer time to happen. I also expect sleep to happen and eating to happen. These are needs I have as a human being, and I can't make them less so by lowering expectations.

I can change my expectations on the hows and whens, but I can't let my changed expectations become no expectations. God doesn't stop asking for a relationship so neither can I.

Yosemite!

And we're back! Yosemite was pretty awesome and I think we're calling first family vacation a success!

Getting some early morning breakfast in.

I would say Therese qualifies as a morning person, but this baby is happy most of the tine.

Since our hotel didn't start check in until 4pm, we drove straight into Yosemite Valley from Berkeley.

We parked and used the shuttle to get to the visitor center. Therese was so happy to be out of the car seat!

 I really love visiting ranger stations. We also got John one of these little Passport to Your National Parks books that you can stamp like a real passport at the ranger station at all of the parks/monuments, etc. in the National Park system.

Here I am thinking the mountains would be cooler than our little Berkeley heat wave...

 We drove over to swinging bridge and had a picnic next to the river. It was pretty hot already, so the breeze and shade felt so nice! Therese decided she had had it with the heat and put herself to sleep.

John enjoyed some rock throwing. Probably the most scenic rock throwing picture he will ever have.

 We did the Falls hike, but there are no longer falls. There is a moistened sliver of cliff and a rock garden. I'm deciding it still counts as finding the falls on our letter F scavenger hunt since the name of the hike was falls.

We also found a fawn at the end of this hike! A total of three fawns were seen, but this one was REALLY close to the path so John could really tell what it was.

Sad result of the drought.

 Matt was super husband and arranged for a babysitter with the hotel for our first night so we could have a date night!

We took the kids for dinner first. They got to order off the kids menu for the first time! Typically they just get a smaller plate of what we're eating.

John got mac and cheese and Therese got a quesadilla.

 We decided that it was probably our most productive date night ever due to the zero travel time. We got to go to dinner, get drinks, play pool, walk around, and STILL have plenty of time to get back.

We left early the next morning for Glacier Point. We had learned our lesson that earlier in the day would be better for babies need to beat the heat.

Plague is endemic in California, but there have been a few cases lately. Put a whole new importance to my rule about not sticking your hands in dark holes.

 On all of these hikes people were so nice! I'm pretty convinced that Yosemite gets really nice foreign tourists.
They were all very impressed with Matt for wearing the baby. He got so many "atta boy" type remarks.

Busy being super dad in front of Half Dome.

I should have added fog to the scavenger hunt but it became difficult to tell the difference between the fog and settling smoke from the forest fire.

John liked looking the waterfall that WAS actually flowing on the other side of the valley. It was one that required some serious hiking to get to. Maybe we'll do that when he's 5.

This is the best picture I could get of the forest fire.

 The Tenaya Ridge fire had been reported the day before we arrived. Conditions were not too bad in the main parts of the valley, but North ridge hiking and backcountry sites were evacuated and closed.

Pretty feather! Check that off the scavenger hunt list.

John was having some deep thoughts here.

John called this "the castle".

Dirty shoe contest! I think I win.

 We made sure to head back on the earlier side the second day. On the way back we stopped in Wawona to check out Pioneer Village.

Therese had never seen string cheese before, but she decided they made fine teethers.

 Pioneer Village was neat. To get there from the parking lot you have to walk over a covered bridge built in 1857.

The whole place is filled with representative buildings from this earlier period of valley history. John's personal favorite was the Powderhouse Jail Cell.

They actually did keep prisoners in there sometimes back in the day. However, the one time they put two auto thieves in there they just dug their way out. So maybe not a high security option. 

He found the chain and started trying to hook it on. He has great aspirations. 

 We spent the rest of the day at the hotel. We stayed at Tenaya Lodge and they had a pretty great pool area for little kids. Think giant wading pool with zero entry, mushroom dripping water structures, and built in water guns!

Built in water gun in action!

 We checked out early our last day so we would have enough time to stop at the Fossil Discovery Center of Madera County.

It was eerie throughout the valley. The combination of farm activity and smoke from the fires made everything look yellowy-orange and hazy.

Eerie sun. This picture doesn't do it justice, but the sun looked very red.

 The fossil center was a big success with John. It's next the Fairmead landfill which apparently happens to be the site of one of the largest middle-Pleistocene fossil excavations in North America. It's still an active site with Paleontologists following the earth movers, staking flags were they seeing anything promising, and excavating it. Once the excavations are complete, they fill the hole as landfill.

John was very impressed with these sculls.

The magnifying glasses to look at small bones, shells, and rocks were also  big hit.

 For $4 you can participate in a mock dig! They give the kids a bucket, shovel, and brush and teaching them some unearthing techniques. They also give the parents an identification guide to you can tell what animal the mock fossil is meant to be.

Therese got some tools to play with for free.

So much dusty dirt!

 They also had a native plants pond where we found frogs (check on the scavenger hunt list!) and a replica Yokut building.

Apparently if you set Therese inside a Yokut shelter and leave she is not fazed.

It got really really hot on the last leg of the drive through the Central Valley. Here's proof!

We had a lot of fun doing this. Here's the review of how we did on the scavenger hunt list.
ü fossils
ü flowers
ü fawns
ü fire (forest and fireplace)
ü flying
ü forest
white fir tree
frost
ü ferns
ü feather
ü fog
ü frog
ü falls (as in waterfall)

Pretty good!

Why We're Not Raising Our Kids Gender Neutral

I live in the SF Bay Area, home of some of the widest range of parenting practices around. About this time of year, start of school time, the issue of "gender neutral" comes back around.

Now I went to a women's college, took women's studies classes, I even TAed Intro to Women's Studies, but I'm calling shenanigans on this "raising gender neutral kids" thing.

Here's why we don't do that.

1. Our kids are not gender neutral beings

John will make anything into a weapon. Anything. Sticks are always referred to as swords, anything with a longish end and a thicker end is a rifle. He "plays cars" by smashing them together. He had not been shown car crashes, or smashing cars, or told how to play that way - he just did it. Like he had it as part of his DNA.

Those gender stereotypes didn't come from nowhere!

2. "Gender neutral" toys look an awful lot like you just picked a gender

Seriously, just search "gender neutral toys" on google images. There is one picture of a girl doing stereotypical boy play (weapons in this case). The rest are entirely focused on having boys do stereotypical girl play.

Now I believe all kids, including boys, should learn valuable life skills like cooking, cleaning, and laundry. But this tells me that boy-ness, the rough, running, and loud play of boys, is something gender neutral toys generally discourage. I pretty much agree with Simcha on this one.

3. "Gender neutral" colors seem to mean "avoid pink at all costs!"

Colors seem to suffer from the opposite problem. Here is what happens when one searches for "gender neutral colors":

The closest we get to pink is coral.

Now if you think this is just splitting hairs, may I direct your attention to the multiple shades of straight up blue.

I'm not the biggest fan of pink (seriously, my name is Kirby. This is a Kirby.) but there really is not a big range of stereotypical girl colors. Pink is kind of it. I'm not cool with just eliminating it and calling it "gender neutral".

4. I'm not into anxious parenting

I think trying to be a "gender neutral parent" lends itself to creating an  unhealthy attitude toward gender. It puts a ton of extra pressure on the parent, and makes something innocent into something that is surrounded by a lot of anxiety. I'm not into anxious parenting, and I think it's high time we got let off the hook here.

I really don't want to have to think so hard about every clothing item, toy, and color that comes into this house. Because it ultimately doesn't matter that much.

I'm not going to entice my boy to play dolls, but I'm not going to flip out if he dresses up as a princess with the girl next door. My girl will probably get a lot of rough and tumble play keeping up with her brother, but I still put her in dresses 98% of the time because diaper changes are easier that way (and it's cute).

Perhaps the idea of gender neutral parenting started out from a more innocent and well meaning place, but that's not what it is in it's current incarnation. Therefore, it's not one of the parenting labels I'm interested in embracing.

Preschool Homeschool: Letters D and E

We just wrapped up another week of Homeschool Preschool! Here is what we did for Letter D and E!

Books

John had some strong opinions about the books on these letter's book lists! Note that I do this by just going through my little local branch's selection. Out of the 15-ish books on each list, I can normally find about 5. I then go through the children's science section and pick out whatever looks good that starts with the week's letter.

Letter D

John LOVED Angus and the Ducks. Marjorie Flack is not an author I grew up with, but I'm a new fan! This is vintage children's lit and it's awesome.

Make Way for Ducklings is another classic. We have seen the duck statues while visiting Boston a few years ago, but I had still never read the book. 

John basically loved any book in which I made lots and lots of animal sounds.

Letter E

I had honestly not expanded my Margaret Wise Brown horizons very much before embarking on this preschool endeavour. I am a fan! The Golden Egg Book has some beautiful illustrations and it's just a sweet story. 

I've learned that Margaret Wise Brown also has a sad life story. She died on Halloween 1952 after a routine surgery for the removal of her appendix and an ovarian cyst. She was doing a mock can-can kick to show the hospital staff how well she felt when she dislodged an embolism in her leg that traveled to her brain.

 Her will had been updated the day she entered the hospital to include a codicil that left most of her future royalties to an 8 year old boy who lived in a tenement apartment near her New York studio.

There was more to her than Goodnight Moon!

Adventures!

We found lots and lots of dirt and excavators! 

We visited the dinosaurs on the UC Berkeley campus again and found the mother load of crawdads in the creek, John was extremely excited about this development after being a little obsessed with crustaceans of all types from C week, Unfortunately, I couldn't get a good picture, but believe me, there were so. many. crawdads! 

John wanted to dress up as an Engineer. The best I could do was this railroad engineer costume from two Halloweens ago. 

Therese apparently wanted her own apple.

We stopped at Cafe Strada in hopes of getting an eggnog latte (clearly for me, and clearly wishful thinking in September.) It was worth it just to make the new college students a bit uncomfortable in the vicinity of small children. Therese decided she wanted to join the guy at the table next to us. When that didn't work out, she contented herself with standing on the bench and smiling and waving to everyone behind us. 

I view this as my contribution to their human education!

F is for Field Trip!

For F week, we are going on a field trip! It's our first family vacation (I'm defining that as a trip that isn't for the primary purpose of visiting relatives.) 

We're going to Yosemite National Park!

Here are the F things I'm putting on the scavenger hunt list for John:

• fossils
• flowers
• fawns
• fire (hopefully in a fireplace and not in the forest. Pretty please!)
• flying
• forest
• white fir tree
• frost (it could happen)
• ferns

Thus, I'll be out for the second half of this week, but prepare for pictures of cute kids in gorgeous surroundings!

7 Quick Takes: My Parish Wishlist

It's Friday, so it's time for another round of 7 Quick Takes! This Ain't the Lyceum is on vacation so it's being hosted at Fountains of Home today.

In this time of year there are a lot of new beginnings, new people, and new plans. This is the time I always dream a little too big and try a little too hard. But there are some things I really really wanna see in my parish. Most parishes, actually. Note that things like "offering mass" and "having a pastoral pastor" are a given here.

1. Large parish gatherings

We do have large, whole parish, parties every so often, but they are not very predictable. They normally occur either as a farewell party for one of the priests (tears!) or someone just put in a titanic amount of effort.

I love things like St. Patrick's Day party, Mardi Gras/Carnival, and May Crowning. These were the things that really made being Catholic alive for me before I could really understand any theology. Let's stop taking ourselves so seriously and live it up!

2. Lots of faith study options

I am a giant nerd. I will make my own faith study reading program for myself at home because I'm that brand of weird. But part of being Catholic is doing Catholic with other people. Faith study groups are fabulous for reaching a deeper understanding and for developing some closer bonds with people in your parish. 

But, if I'm honest,  I'm just not into any and every topic all the time. Certain things will grab me more than others at different times. Having multiple different faith study options means you are more likely to get what you are spiritually needing. 

3. Meal list/hospitality group

I always think about this again when I have a new baby, or go through surgery, or see other parishioners in need of assistance during transition times. Food is such an easy, tangible, way to show that you care what happens to this person. 

Some "bring them a meal" sign ups happen informally, but I think about new parishioners, or people who are so sick they can't come to anything beyond mass, and wish getting help didn't involve such a test of connections. Wouldn't it be great to call up the parish, say you are having a new baby, and they get you in touch with the Meal Coordinator? 

4. Solid faith formation for kids and families

I acknowledge that we have smaller side parishes here, but I really believe that if we are not providing resources for solid faith foundation for kids and families then we are really failing at an important function of being a parish. It doesn't need to be a drop off catechism program, but at least making it easy for the parents to learn in order to teach their kids is really the bare minimum for me.

5. A nursery for at least one mass

So there comes a time with every baby when they go through a particularly difficult phase. Something that is near impossible to control and makes mass such an ordeal. 

Screeching and screaming are those things for me. 

This is not screaming in pain, it's just "this is how I'm entertaining myself right now" screaming. It doesn't last long, but it's a miserable phase for the parents. Getting the option to leave them in the nursery for a mass can do wonders for morale!

It would be such a relief to be gifted an hour with Jesus! An hour of not feeling the ice glares to the back of your head. 

I do acknowledge this creates the need to get right the balancing act of, on one hand, having the nursery as an option and, on the other, having the babies in the nursery as a parish expectation. Babies can be in church, not silent, and be welcome!

6. Assumption of involvement and commitment

Sometimes I wonder if the priest looks out and wonders if the parishioners are "seeing other people". Sometimes it feels like many are just waiting for a better offer to come along so they can skedaddle out of this place.

I want my parish to be vibrant enough that new parishioners can easily see a place where they can be a wonderful addition. I want there to be at least one other reason to be at church a week for everyone (if at all possible.)

7. A spirit of fun and community

Finally, I wish for my parish to have a spirit of fun and community. We need to enjoy being with each other! Let's have things that truly just for fun: game night, happy hour, line dancing. 

Joy - It's the Little Things

Happy early Labor Day everyone! Today we're talking about labor over on Blessed Is She.

I talked about the birthing babies kind of labor earlier this week, but today we're going to address the kind of labor we do every day. Those daily strivings for sanctity and survival.

I am absolutely terrible at taking it easy or procrastinating. It's like I have a constant reel going in my head of "All the Things I Could Be Doing Right Now".

Thankfully, I'm good at prioritizing the reel. I typically manage to feed everyone, keep the babies safe, maintain the house at decent level of clean, and still do my newest crazy idea.

But I run into problems when I start to resent those first three things. The things that I have to do because I am a mother and this is my job right now.
Come to find out, I don't love changing diapers, washing dishes, and chopping onions. But that doesn't mean they are not valuable and important tasks.

What I have to do is decide to find the joy within these necessary tasks. The giggles and snuggles that happen after the diaper change. The exclamations of "I like it momma" when the 3 year decides he did like roasted chicken after all. The time we are blessed with in the evenings, after Matt comes home, because I've managed to get almost all of the chores done during the work day.

Finding joy in labor is the difference between surviving and thriving. It's what keeps me from resenting this season in my life.

That is not to say you have to just LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY! That's not realistic, and kind of terrible advice. If you love every moment of every day, I think you might be lacking some ability to discern between good things and not good things.

I think of joy as small attitude decisions we can make every day. It's seeking the bigger picture and thinking beyond the now. You don't have to love every moment of your life to love your life.

That Time I Had a Baby in the Hallway - Therese's Birth Story

In honor of Therese's 1st birthday yesterday, I decided to write up her birth story!

Therese is our second child, first daughter, and first home birth. The story of how we got there makes a lot more sense if you know John's birth story. I'll get around to writing it someday. Suffice to say it was a two WEEK labor, induction, and horrendous postpartum care experience. I was in tears the one time I was back on the L&D floor after that. I was 99.8% sure I could not go through another birth in the exact same place barely two years later.

So we made different choices and looked into homebirth!

We surprised ourselves by going with a certified professional midwife (CPM), versus a certified nurse midwife (CNM). When we interviewed her it all clicked. Matt even liked her. He was the tough crowd in this endeavor.

She suggested a doula for me. Her suggestion was actually someone I had serendipitously met over a year earlier in a parenting group. Win!

We also found a doula-in-training and hired her as a sibling doula, someone who knew about birth but would be assigned to taking care of John (a little over 2 years old at the time.) She would be able to explain things to him if he was at the birth, and was comfortable hanging out with him out of the house if that was more suitable.

Due to NFP-awesomeness, we had a very accurate due date of September 1st. (Labor Day, trust me the joke was not lost on any family members.)

I went into labor about 5am on August 31st. By 6:30am I knew this was the real deal and called Rebecca, our doula, to give her the heads up so she could arrange child care for her kids. John had just woken up and we tried to keep his routine as normal as possible.

We started getting things together: making up the bed, getting food/drinks in order. Matt decided he was not confident in the waterproofing abilities of the old shower curtain I had as a mattress protector, so he took John on a run to Target. I was very not ok with this plan, but it ended up being fine.

Rebecca arrived about 8:30 and immediately started helping out blowing up the birth ball and filling the birth tub.
The adapter we got to connect the sink and the hose to fill the birth tub caused very low water pressure. Eventually Rebecca just took the biggest pot in the house and started hauling pots of hot water from the bath tub. Did I mention she is awesome?!

Things got intense about 10am. I was still liking walking around and doing the "slow dance" move with Matt to get through contractions. I decided to get in the tub at that point. The water helped with the hard pressure and let me relax better between contractions.

John was very cute rubbing my arm and telling me "you doing so good momma."

Rosie, our sibling doula, arrived and we decided to have John go with her to the park like he would on a normal day.

Ellah, our midwife, arrived about 11am. She was concerned that the baby was descending faster than I could progress with dilation, so she had me get out of the tub.

I am a major shaker during labor. Whenever I change phase (early labor to active, active to transition) I shake like I'm having a seizure. I'm fine, but I'm not in control of my arm and leg muscles at all. Matt was awesome acting as my stable tree.

Rebecca was flitting around getting us sips of gatorade or water, feeding me yogurt and honey, and relieving Matt so he could actually eat and use the restroom. That's when he decided this doula idea was amazing.

Therese never really stopped flipping in utero and she flipped into a less than ideal position during active labor. I had about 10 minutes of back labor while trying to walk around on the patio for a change of scenery. Holy cow, if I was in a hospital that would have broken me on the epidural decision right then and there. Hats off to women who go through hours of that.

A little after 4:30pm Ellah suggested trying to use the restroom. I had just gone thru a pretty intense round of active labor (in hindsight, might have been transition) and thought I should use the time I had.
Well my water broke in the bathroom. Thankfully Matt was with me because I was a little shocked. I tried to get between the bathroom and the bedroom so I would not have to deliver the baby right then and there, but Therese had other plans.

I made it to the hallway (read two steps) before I just knew I could not walk any further. There was no pushing involved, just two contractions, and Therese was born on the hallway floor.

Per typical Therese, she cried just as much as necessary then proceeded to look around at all the people.

I handed Therese to Matt so I could stand up, and moved over to the bed. It was awesome to just rest in my own bed, snuggle my newborn, and just not have to worry about anything. Ellah did all of the exams she needed on me and the baby on the bed. Rebecca made me a sandwich and some tea, drained the birth tub and packed it up, gathered up laundry, washed dishes, and got some sitz bath herbs going on the stove (repeat, doulas are amazing!)

Rosie and John arrived back from the park. John was so happy to see his baby sister. He crawled up on the bed, held out his arms, and requested "now I hold it?"

Proud big brother.

Postpartum at home was amazing! I do not understand how people enjoy staying in the hospital. It is never all the way dark, and people come in every few hours to make sure your blood pressure is still exactly the same. Or worse, wake the baby.

At home, I could sleep in my own bed, not have IVs in my arm, eat whatever I want, and hang out with my family as much as I wanted. You know, actually recover from this having a baby business.

These two have been buds ever since.