A Young Parent Response to the Church Abuse Crisis

Yesterday, an article was published by The Atlantic about how parents are responding to the abuse crisis within the Catholic Church. I was interviewed for the article, but I was still surprised, and sometimes shocked, by what my fellow parents had to say.

Age is a Factor

I was the youngest person interviewed, at 28, and I want to talk about something that has come up repeatedly in the past months of grappling with the crisis. 2002 seems to be a dividing line in the young Catholic experience - in the same way the 2009 crash is a dividing line in our generational experience of employment.

If you were a child at the time of the 2002 scandal breaking, a first feeling seems to be more on the side of anger and a call for justice. We were the kids who were old enough to see and hear about what was going on, but too young to do much about it. We came of age into a world that was formed by that crisis.
Those who were teens or adults in 2002 seem to be reacting very differently. I've found many of the parents older than me to be apathetic or downright antagonistic toward discussing the Church crisis. Many have told me that "it doesn't concern them."

Obviously there are exceptions to both of these generalizations, but it's enough of a pattern that I think it should be noticed and understood if we are going to do a better job this time around. Maybe good enough to mean there won't need to be a next time.

Responses can not be just about my family and my kids. 

Back in September I wrote for YA Respond that our response, as parents, cannot be just about MY family and MY kids.

 "We cannot retreat and focus solely on ourselves and our families as a means of protecting our families. Our families have already been violated.

The survivors are not distant people - they ARE family. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ. If we truly mean to follow Jesus, we must follow him when he says "Love one another as I have loved you."

It's important to raise your own kids to be strong in their intellectual understanding of faith, healthy boundaries, etc. Absolutely! But it's not enough. We must all look, and work, beyond familial ties in this narrow sense if we are going to honestly be Church.

Stop buying into, and propagating, the lies of factionalism.

This is my fancy way of saying “quit thinking that people who look/think/do like you are unlikely to be abusers or abusees.”

Seriously, stop it.

One quote that shocked and appalled me from The Atlantic article was this one from Chris Meyerle's interview. "The way a priest says Mass, Mayerle believes, is one clue to his personality, and that plays a role in whether or not Mayerle will trust him."
"... One of the things we look for is when they do things the way they’re supposed to. In other words, they’re obedient—it means they’re probably obedient to their vows also. When they just start winging it, it means they view themselves as their own authority, which I don’t think is healthy."

I've heard this before from self-identified traditionalist Catholics, and other identity factions within the Catholic Church. Maybe there's something to it. Maybe that priest might be safer.

But what has been made clear through investigations, like the John Jay Report, is that there is no standard profile of a priest likely to abuse. Just like in the secular world, predators are smart and can blend in. They could be anyone, anywhere - even your Latin mass saying priest who loves all the smells and bells.

I don't say this to be alarmist, but to convey what I have learned from the stories that survivors have told me over the past few months. Many repeated that they think they were targeted, in part, because they believed abuse couldn't happen.
Because he was a good priest.
Because they were a smart person.
Because it only happened to altar boys in the 1960s.
Ultimately, believing that a category of person cannot be an abuser, in my opinion, makes you and yours an easier abuse target. You have made a nice wide blindspot for yourself. Those blindspots of unfounded beliefs are what predators hope to find. Falling for this lie, and propagating it, is dangerous and reckless.

Survivors might look like anyone

I've heard many Catholics speak recklessly about the abuse crisis, and I'm starting to wonder if it's because they have never met a survivor - that they know of. You might be surprised at who they are. They’re not all angry old ex-altar boys. They can be older women, young women, young men, seminarians, even priests themselves. Their abuse might have been decades ago, it might have been last week.

Abuse is appalling in all situations, and it’s never our place to judge if someone was abused enough or if they really were victimized. Maybe you believe that any adult who gets in an abusive situation was somehow reckless or asking for it (real comments from real people, everybody.) But frankly you don't know what you don't know.
If someone decides to trust you enough to open up to you with their story, the best response you can give is "I believe you." Let the police sort out validity, etc. Your job is to hear and love that person - not to pass judgement on their story.

Be aware when you talk about the abuse crisis, there might very well be someone in the room with a personal experience. Let’s try to act in that awareness.

What we should do

• Listen. If you have no first experience with abuse - congratulations. But you will probably have to work more actively to cultivate empathy for those with that experience. All of us, myself included, can work on becoming better listeners for those who need our humanity.
• Find a way to make space for victim/survivors. We talk about how the poor have a special claim on us as Christians. Survivors/victims of clergy abuse have an even more personal claim. Often they are fellow Catholics abused within the church. We have a personal obligation to them, as our brothers and sisters, to minister to them in love and facilitate healing - full stop. Not if we feel personally called. Not if it happens to come up. Not if it is convenient. If you are a faithful Catholic, these are your people and your family who have been hurt so deeply by those in our family. It doesn’t get more personal, urgent, and necessary than that.
• If your parish/pastor isn’t making active moves toward healing, openness, and discussion of the crisis, talk to him. You have a claim on your pastor to remind him to minister to his full flock - not just the 10% who run the ship. He might need someone to give him that boost of confidence to do this part of pastoring well.
• Talk about the good things that ARE happening. Right now there are lay people all over the country, and the world, working on creative responses to the crisis. Let's talk to each other! There is no need for us all the re-invent the wheel individually. Let people know what you are doing, what worked, what didn't, what you learned. We all need the encouragement of collective effort to make real, on going, change in our ability to love and be Church for each other.

I would love to hear your thoughts on The Atlantic article, and what I had to say here! What have you noticed? What is good that is happening in your diocese or parish? What still needs to happen? 

If you are one of the people who have shared your story with me in the past, Thank You! From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your openness and willingness to teach me in sharing your story.