Embracing the Beautiful Body - Claire's Story

Monday, July 24, 2017

It's NFP Awareness Week! This year I am sharing stories from women who learned NFP methods while single. Single women often get left out of discussions of Natural Family Planning, but there are great benefits to be reaped for them too. It's time to hear some of their stories!




My name is Claire Ellendson.  I am a 21-year-old birth doula, NET Ministries alumni, and life-long Catholic.  I grew up being an older sister of a large family where I could see firsthand the beauty and purpose of God's design for fertility in my own family as we welcomed each of my younger siblings with joy and gratitude.  As I grew older however, I began to believe the lies from the world convincing me that my body was my greatest asset in attaining love. My body became to me a hopeless disaster, with a few redeeming qualities. 

Despite my consistent and faithful formation, my hatred for myself intensified from constant competition with my peers for the attention of men.  My mindset on my fertility was utilitarian. I thought that it was a thing that I probably wouldn't address until I was at least engaged.

God truly used my discovery of my own reproductive health as an avenue out of my own self-hatred and towards His divine truth.  I remember having earth-shaking menstrual cramps one day and demanded to know what the heck was happening with my body. I was blown away by how intricate and purposeful nature of my cycle. I was hooked on exploring more about the subliminal glory of how thoughtfully my body was gifted to me by God. I was lead to NFP though my pursuit of knowledge and practical application. Although I am not married or having sex, knowing what is happening with my fertility is a consistent reminder to me of the Lord's perpetuating gift of life.



I track my cycle using The Billings method mostly because it focuses on each aspect of what makes tracking my fertility useful to me as a single woman. This method teaches how to note and communicate changes with my body with a vocabulary which is easily utilized in my current stage of life (neither trying to achieve or avoid pregnancy). The goal of this is to understand the pattern of my fertility and to be aware of any irregularity. 



The greatest grace in my own journey of discovering NFP has been the redemptive effect that it has had on my own view of sexuality and womanhood.  For being such a sex-obsessed culture, so few have any level of intuition on how the female body works. Overcoming shame or misunderstanding about NFP or related topics is simplified by conversation and the God-given power of reason. It has been such a gift to me to be able to enter into conversations with women, as well as recognize beauty in how my own body is made.


Come back tomorrow for NFP For Everybody - Susie's Story.

NFP and the Single Woman

Friday, July 21, 2017

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!



1

It's that time of year again - NFP Awareness Week starts next week! This year I've decided to do things a little differently. When I looked at NFP materials, advertising, blogs, etc. there was consistently a specific voice missing: the single woman's. 

That's frustrating. Married people do not have a monopoly on NFP, and it can certainly be of benefit to single women! 
NFP is not solely about achieving or avoiding pregnancy. At its heart, NFP is about learning your individual body and why it does what it does. There is an amazing amount of misinformation out there about what is, and is not, normal when it comes to women's health. Why not encourage more women to learn about their bodies?

So instead of interviewing NFP couples, this year I sought out single women willing to share their stories of learning NFP. Let's meet the five brave women!

2

Claire



I am a 21-year-old birth doula, NET Ministries alumni, and life-long Catholic.  I grew up being an older sister of a large family where I could see firsthand the beauty and purpose of God's design for fertility in my own family as we welcomed each of my younger siblings with joy and gratitude.  As I grew older however, I began to believe the lies from the world convincing me that my body was my greatest asset in attaining love. My body became to me a hopeless disaster, with a few redeeming qualities. 

3

Susie



I'm in my early 30s and single. I grew up in Colorado, but have also lived elsewhere which I feel gives me the qualifications necessary to claim Colorado as the best place to live. :) I have a theology degree from Notre Dame (go Irish!) and an MTS from the John Paul II Institute in DC, and now work admin at a small Catholic non-profit that helps evangelize lay Catholics. One of my favorite things to do is take my dog on walks. I also love hiking (like most good Coloradans), knitting, games, listening to 80s music and movie scores, and watching my favorite movies and TV shows (Parks and Recreation is one of my favorite go-tos). I have three siblings - two older, one younger - and they're all married to great people. I also have three nephews so far, who are lots of fun and two of whom I'm blessed to have as godsons, and I am also godmother to one of my dearest friend's daughter.


4

Brie



 I grew up in Chicago, IL in a loving Catholic family. Formed by experiences in my faith, community and education, I felt the desire to serve others both individually and also on a macro level. After college I spent time in service with FOCUS then began working in NYC at a NGO devoted to the dignity of the human person. It was there that I discovered FEMM – a women’s health program that I’ve dedicated the last 6 years of my life to.

5

Kate



I’m Kate, 41 years old, never married, cradle Catholic.  I have been a school librarian for about nine years since changing careers from the legal field.  I live just outside of Philadelphia in the suburbs, not far from where I grew up.  My parents have been married for over 46 years and I have an older brother and a younger sister, both of whom are married—so I am a happy auntie to five wonderful nephews (oldest is 19/youngest is 4 months) and one fantastic niece (almost 13!).

6

Alejandra



My name is Alejandra, and I’m originally from southern California, but am now living in Oakland in the Bay Area. I just recently became a licensed Architect – hooray! Believe it or not, you can’t just call yourself an Architect right out of university, and I had to pass seven national exams and one state exam over two years to earn that professional title, so I’m pretty proud! I’m currently working at a high-end residential firm in Emeryville that does beautiful work in this area. 

I speak three languages – Spanish, English, and Italian – because my mom is from Chile and I studied abroad in Italy. I’m forever grateful to my mom for making sure we were bilingual from the start – languages are one of my passions! In my spare time, I love to cook and bake, work in my garden, spend time at the beach, hike in the Oakland redwoods (or anywhere for that matter – we are blessed with so many natural gems here in the Bay Area!), read, draw and paint, hang out with friends, and most of all, horseback ride. I’ve recently become an equestrian and I take English riding lessons here in the Oakland redwoods. There is nothing more wonderful than being out there with the horses… Unless it’s snuggling with my two adorable goddaughters of course!

7


Check back every day next week to read their full stories!

Maybe It's Not Just About the Kids - Becoming a Catholic Parent

Tuesday, July 18, 2017




What does it mean to raise Catholic kids? I think it has more to do with forming Catholic parents first.

You know the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"? This is a part of parenting in which that is especially true - and also one where many are tempted to pretend it is not true. The reality is we can do x, y, z as perfect Catholic parents, but there is still no guarantee that we will get Catholic adults out of our kids.

There is no magic bullet for success in this challenge, however there is hope.

The best thing you can do to raise Catholic kids is to give them a Catholic parent serious about their own formation.

Your personal decision to take the charge of raising your children Catholic seriously is something you CAN guarantee. Here are three reminders that have been helpful to me in gaining perspective for teaching the faith to my own kids.

Treat teaching the faith like the J-O-B it is

If you were married in the Church, even if you are the sole Catholic spouse, you vowed to take on responsibility for raising your children Catholic. In that moment you gained a new job for life.

What would you need to do to do a good job at work? Show up, do what you say you will, make priorities, consult with coworkers, and adapt to changing circumstances. These are the basics of doing a good job. How could we expect our job of teaching the faith to require any less?

Just like in the workplace, not every endeavor, project, or attempt will be successful. That does not mean I'm failing at ALL THE THINGS. It just means I need to try something different.

For me this looks like:
Making sure the kids come to mass with me as much as possible.
Finding a way to go to the church at least one non-Sunday mass a week. That could be for a parish event, adoration, daily mass, or even just a pop into the church to say hi to Jesus.
Make my own faith formation commitments.
Seek out connection with others in the Catholic community, and feed those friendships.
Accept that life events happen, but those should mean a temporary change not a long term slide.

Know that I am not superwoman

There are many Church documents making it clear that Catholic parents are the primary educators of their children, but I have to be careful not to read "primary" as "only". The Church is not asking me to somehow form Catholic children on a deserted island. She has given me a husband, a parish, Catholic friends, godparents, and the larger Catholic community.

For me this looks like:
Taking advantage of any children's faith formation my parish offers.
Involving my husband in his own special way for the kid's faith formation. My husband likes to do Bible reading with the kids so that is a special thing they do with Dad.
Calling up, texting, or emailing trusted friends or family when I'm frustrated or need perspective.
Making sure the kids stay connected with their Catholic godparents.
Continue to reach out to other families and not settle into a clique.

Remember these kids are not just mine

My children are not mine to keep. They are beautiful souls entrusted to us for a time, but they are meant to become part of the bigger Church.
This concept is such a relief to me! It means that I do not need to mother hen them for the rest of their lives.
It also reminds me that my children ultimately have to choose to continue the faith as adults.
Faith formation is really about giving them as much of a foundation as we can so when the time comes to make their choice they are able to make a fully informed choice.

For me this looks like:
Praying for my children as individuals.
Praying for their future vocations and potential spouse.
Aiming to convey love and truth, not fear and anxiety.


Go over to the CWBN Blog Hop to read more takes on "Keeping our kids Catholic".


Do you do any of these things? What made a difference for you to stay Catholic?


Pleasant(er) Travel with Small Children

Friday, June 30, 2017

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!



We have set out on our massive, crazy, summer trip! At this point, even at barely 5 and almost 3, the kids are pleasant travel buddies. They share our enthusiasm for exploring new places and embrace the experience of travel. But it is only pleasant with a decent amount of planning and organization. They are still normal kids after all.

Cleaning Day


Two days before we leave is cleaning day! The kids help. We start the laundry to get ready for packing day. We sweep, mop, and vacuum, clean out trashcans, wash all the sheets and towels, scrub the bathroom, etc. It is *so nice* to come home to a clean house and only have to worry about doing the laundry from the trip.

Yes, the helmet is overkill. But he was still helpful with it on, so it was allowed to stay on.

I have a list of things that must be done either the night before, or the morning, that we leave. Take out the trash and compost (including the coffee filter. Trust me on this one.), start the dishwasher if needed, and unplug/turn off all non-essential electric devices. Coming home to the smell of rotting garbage is best avoided.

Research!

It pays off to check the websites of your airport, airline, hotel, etc. for specific kid resources. Knowing what terminal has the kid play space is a life saver in the event of a flight delay.

Happy kiddo in the midst of a multi-hour flight delay. The kind that's so bad the airline gives out meal vouchers.
I also check for things like laundry availability at hotels and local attractions that have free or cheap kid admission costs.

Directed packing


Packing day is much less stressful if the kids can help with the packing.
We do directed packing. I have the master packing list and I send the kids off to their room to bring me a specific number of items. 5 short sleeve shirts, 8 pairs of underwear, etc. The kids get some agency in what clothes they bring, and only clothes that are appropriate and useful get packed. Win!

The kids currently share a big duffel as the "kid bag". To keep their stuff separated they each have a separate trash bag that their clothes stacks are wrapped in. Small items (socks, underwear, swim suits, etc.) are put in a gallon baggie so they are easy to find.

Kid Packs

Each of the kids has a backpack that fits them relatively well. They each contain:

  • 3-4 books (Picked by each kid, but fit easily in the backpack. It's an important qualifier with my kids. John tried to pack the fully illustrated Harry Potter once.)
  • A coloring book or activity book.
  • Small pad of paper
  • Stickers
  • Small baggie with crayons, pencils, and sharpener.
  • Kid headphones
  • Small toy
Each kid also carries their own water bottle in an outer pocket.

To test their choices, the kids have to wear their backpacks for a decently long walk. If it's too heavy, they have to swap something out or leave it out. They are in charge of their own packs in airports and other travel locations. Mom is not a pack mule.

Snacks go in parent backpacks


I learned the hard way that kid snacks are best portioned out slowly. The kid packs are designed for the kids to have free reign to choose from the materials. Having verboten items in there is a recipe for melt down, but if they all get eaten in the beginning there is nothing for when they are actually hungry. So snacks go in parent back packs!

I also have a wet/dry bag (the cloth diapering item that keeps on giving!) in the parent packs with a change of clothes for each kid, travel wipes, and hand sanitizer. Because if you need it, you need it NOW!

TripIt App


I love this thing! The last thing I want to do is be scrambling around for a confirmation number at the airport. I forward all of my itineraries to the TripIt email and it builds an itinerary that I can pull up via the app on my phone. It keeps plans in order and pulls the current part of the itinerary, and the next stop, to the top of the list. We have a complicated trip this summer, and this thing is a life saver!

White Noise 

Good at sleeping while traveling! Not so good at staying in place.
My kids are used to white noise and it's so helpful for getting kids to sleep in unfamiliar places. I go through the trouble of bringing our sound machines, because I don't want my phone to be held hostage during nap time by a white noise app, but I have used an app when traveling abroad to cut down on baggage weight and not have to worry about voltage issues.


What are your best tips for crafting a pleasant travel experience with kids in tow?

Travel Ambitions with Kids

Monday, June 26, 2017



This week begins our massive summer travels! Five states, two weddings, two kids, and a very pregnant belly - it's going to an adventure! 
Here's where we're going. It's a mix of flying and driving, hotels, friends homes, and rentals. 
Tips welcome! Follow along during the trip using #UTRtravels

Texas


It's our annual trip to North Texas for family reunion on the lake with lots of aunts and grandparent time! This will be our first year with both kids out of diapers and physically able to do most activities. It will be a blast!

Colorado


We have a wedding in Denver but we are also going to be exploring Rocky Mountain National Park and staying part of the time in a mountain cabin.

Idaho



We are driving from the Denver area to Idaho Falls, ID. Any tips for that 10 hour drive are more than welcome!
We get to see our very good friends and start adventures next door in Wyoming.

Wyoming



It's Yellowstone time! John wants to see Bison badly. He told me, rather mornfully the other day, "I WISH I could play on the prairie." His Little House loving heart will be happy.

We're going to try and explore Grand Tetons and Jackson Hole too.

Georgia



Another wedding! And this one we're all in! John is ringbearer and Therese is flower girl. They are both taking their duties *very* seriously. 
John acts like he's going to be entrusted with the crown jewels. 
Therese just likes her pretty dress. 
This describes their personalities quite well.

We will have almost two days to explore around Atlanta. I have my eye on the Atlanta History Museum, but any other fun ideas (including must do food places for my foodie husband) are wonderful!

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And now a belated My Sunday Best with A Blog for My Mom!


Dress: JC Penny's
Cardigan: Target
Necklace: Family heirloom
Bump: 27 weeks
It would appear that we attended mass at the Basilica from this picture. But no! We went to a picnic for young families held at the Basilica before making our way over to St. Thomas More in St. Paul for the Mass of Thanksgiving for a friend who is a newly ordained priest!

It is also a beautiful church.



We passed Maronite and Ukrainian Catholic churches on the drive down. So many cool places to explore in the Twin Cities!

Answering for My Catholicism

Tuesday, June 20, 2017




When I was in college and traveling I would often get into conversations with my airplane seatmate about my college thesis. It was a good follow up since my major is in the wide and vague field of Anthropology. Somehow I always managed to be talking to a former Catholic about my thesis on Catholic women and veiling. Their first response always included that one liner that you just know has gotten a lot of use since they left the Church.

"Oh, I'm a recovering Catholic." Like there's an AA for that.

"I used to be Catholic but now I'm a free thinker."

That one always galled me a bit. The implied idea that anyone who is truly intellectually curious cannot exist in the Catholic Church came up quite a bit. I would have to calm my internal ruffled feathers and ask more questions about their experience in the Church. I tried to keep in mind one of my favorite quotes from Archbishop Fulton Sheen: "There are not a hundred people in America who hate the Catholic Church. There are millions of people who hate what they wrongly believe to be the Catholic Church — which is, of course, quite a different thing."

The top of my list of why I love being Catholic is that no matter how hard I investigate and seek to understand Church teachings, there are still more depths to plumb. It makes me so sad to meet so many people who came against an obstacle to faith and chose to turn away. For many it happened as a young kid. Young enough that the initial turning away came from being failed by the teachers and leaders they trusted and asked to help them understand.

It is true that the teachings do not have all modern sensibilities in mind. Thank God! I want a Church able to articulate who she is and not a chameleon one can never be quite sure about.

I find it amazing that I can read the desert fathers and hear someone speak to the heart of my struggles. A hermit man who lived thousands of miles away and over a thousand years ago can speak truth to my heart because that truth is still truth. That is the amazing beauty of the Catholic Church.

Understanding the teachings does not take faith to move mountains, it just takes a heart willing to listen. I love that the teachings are very logical - the reasoning of a position has been followed to it's logical conclusion and made sure that conclusion is still where we should want to go.

One of my guilty pleasures is reading about all of the heresies that have occurred through the ages.
(I know it sounds weird, bear with me!)
Heresies almost always start with a subtle, but important, misunderstanding of a theological principle. From there the heresy spreads, and what plays out is the full impact of following error to it's logical conclusion. It is not a place I would want to go. Getting intellectual concepts down has a huge impact on avoiding error, and when one reads about just a smattering of the many heresies that have led to great loss of life and terrible practices one starts to understand how important a role intellectuals can play in the Church.

I think we should all be intellectuals of a sort in the Church. Understanding theology is not just the arena, or responsibility, of a select few. Regular Catholics in the pew need to understand why we believe what we believe. Every Catholic, at some point, will be asked to answer for those beliefs. Best be ready!

This post is part of the monthly CWBN Blog Hop. Hop over to read more responses on this month's theme "why I love my Catholic faith".


Why do you love your Catholic faith?

Choosing Mother of Divine Grace

Friday, June 16, 2017

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

It is homeschool planning time for us! This year I will have a Kindergartner and a preschooler, with a newborn making an appearance early on in the year. I will be using 26 Letters to Heaven with my preschooler this year, but with some added adaptions to help it better fit into our year and my daughter's specific needs (more on that later!)

For my Kindergartner we have decided to enroll in Mother of Divine Grace (MODG). There are a lot of pluses to the curriculum in the early years that I thought I would write down - partially for myself to read when the "February Dull-drums" hit and I need a reminder!


Rigor not busywork


Somehow education discussions have come to view being busy as equivalent to rigorous in a curriculum. I think what one truly means when one says "I am looking for a rigorous curriculum" is, "I am looking for a curriculum that asks enough of the student that they must keep striving ever further, even in areas they may not personally enjoy." I believe busy work always comes back to bite you. It does not foster sustainable learning in the child, and is a recipe for burnout for the teaching parent.

Just like any other healthy plan, having reasonable and achievable goals is the sweet spot.

Beauty


MODG is beautiful. I would be remiss if these early years did not involve learning to see and appreciate beauty. Because this window for true awe and appreciation just does not open again in the same way.
All the art, and music, and poetry are not just beautiful extras but important in their own right. Learning how to notice detail in art, pick up tone and audible difference,  memorization and performance - these are all skills that might be fudgable for a while, but their lack does become painfully obvious further along in life.

I love that MODG teaches kids these skills early, while simultaneously familiarizing them with a cultural heritage that could seem far away and unreachable.

Flexibility


There is a lot of wiggle room in MODG in terms of which books you end up using for each kid. It's flexible and allows for adaption from kid to kid and family to family. I love that I can tailor the curriculum but I don't feel like I have to right off the bat. There is nothing that I greatly dislike or feel the need to avoid in the curriculum as it stands.

It forces me to have limits


MODG is very simple in the early grades. It's all about building a solid foundation. A newborn is expected to make an appearance in the early part of our school year, and the reality is I need to know what is important and focus on THAT.
Because I am type A and would totally try to do all the things if the curriculum did not reel me in a bit.

Solidly Catholic


I do not need to pay money for materials that undermine the Catholic base I am trying to instill in my kids. That being said, the curriculum does not feel the need to make anything and everything about specifically Catholic things. MODG utilizes books that are not from Catholic specific publishers but produce solid materials with nothing anti-Catholic in that specific book. I like the attitude that secular or Protestant materials do not automatically need to be excluded. We are still meant to live in this world after all.

Enrollment and Accreditation


While enrollment is certainly not strictly necessary when I only have a Kindergartner and a Preschooler, it is comforting to be able to enroll in the school and have a consultant on call in the event that an issue does arise. If we feel like we need to change a book, if something is just not working, or specific learning issues come up, I can email, call, or text my consultant and know that she is familiar with our materials.

Accreditation is something I don't worry about until the middle/high school grades, but it does not hurt to have it - especially when talking to people who are unfamiliar with homeschooling.

It's Familiar


The big reason MODG initially stuck out to me is it uses the materials I largely know and would have chosen anyway. Many of you know I was homeschooled up until high school so I've made the transition from homeschooled kid to homeschooling mom. Living through the experimentation of the 90s Catholic homeschool world left me with big opinions about what does and does not work for me.
Starting out with what I know helps my confidence that we will arrive at important destinations without (too many) tears.


We are adding in a few things to the curriculum, such as: Little Lambs Family Formation, Ballet, science and history plans, etc. A post on our specific curriculum adaptations will be in the works soon!

What do you love about your curriculum? How do you envision next year in your house? 


Small Children and the Perpetual Questions - #bctgp

Friday, June 2, 2017

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes.

A little while ago my friend Anni from A Beautiful, Camouflaged, Mess of a Life started The Gratitude Project that challenges us to post about the small blessings in our lives. I tried to think beyond the obvious and came to a funny discovery. One of the things I am grateful for are the questions I get asked by my kids every day.

As any parent of little kids will tell you, once kids learn to talk the stream of questions is not far behind. The perpetual questions can be annoying, and I am not claiming to always answer them with sweetness, but there is a beauty to the repetition. Here are the top seven questions my kids ask me everyday.



1

"IS IT WARM, COLD, OR CHILLY TODAY?!"

It's in caps because it's nearly always yelled as though I was far far away on top of a mountain. 
John asks this question every morning. He asks so he can pick clothing that is appropriate for the weather, and I love his persistence in accepting that each day might be very different from yesterday.

2
"How many weeks until snow?"

John has asked this question every morning since we moved to Minnesota. Part of me wants to write this down just to remind him once we're well into February that there was a time when he wanted this. The less pessimistic side knows that he could very well love the snow every day as though it was the first day. It's one of his gifts.

3
"Why?"

The universal kid question, "why?"
Both John and Therese ask why at least a dozen times a day. It can be hard as a parent not to get exasperated with the question sometimes, but I'm so grateful they ask why. Kids do not take the world for granted, and they have caught on that things do not just happen. There is a reason and method underlying the world. It's a everyday reminder to me that I, and other adults, could do with remembering to ask why more often. 

4
"You wanna snuggle me?"

Hands down this is Therese's most frequent question. 
When she gives a hug, she melts into the person like her whole body has suddenly become more liquid than solid. She can use physical touch as a way to show deep trust and love. I am grateful that she is able to trust so reliably. Her requests for snuggles are a reminder to me to slow down and enjoy the presence of their sweet littleness for a bit.

5
"How does that work?"

John has an insatiable need to understand how things work in minute detail. Tell him about how you accomplish a task and he will give you full attention. He wants to know the ingredients in the dishes served at dinner, if you used pegs or screws to put together a table, and how the construction workers know what machine to use when.
That appreciation of detail, and the work and skill of others, is something I want to foster in myself. I wish it came as instinctively to adults as it does to little kids. 

6
"Can I do jobs?"

I noticed the other day that my kids rarely ask to help, they ask to "do jobs". I asked them about the difference and they said jobs were "kids working on their own." They are asking to independently contribute to the work that needs to be done everyday. They don't want busy work, they want to do meaningful work.

The question is a challenge for me to allow them to explore their own capabilities and practice working together to accomplish what needs doing that day. I am grateful for the chance to try again every day.

7
"What time is it?"

Therese is obsessed with time and numbers right now. She asks "what time is it?" a few dozen times a day. 
She does not ask the question the way an adult would - trying to see how long they have until they can move on to the next thing. Therese just wants to know what time it is for the sake of knowing. How often as adults do we take a moment to learn something just for the sake of learning?

What little things are you grateful for? What are the most frequent questions from your kids?


The Real Reasons I Homebirth

Monday, May 29, 2017




I see a lot of misconceptions out there about homebirth and the people who choose to plan a homebirth. We're not all anti-modern medicine, anti-science, or anti-vax. At least I'm not.

I've had a natural-ish hospital birth and a homebirth. We're planning for our second homebirth with this next baby.

My homebirthing is more proactive than reactive. Less about avoiding interventions and more about choosing what has proven to be more effective for me. Here are the real reasons I homebirth.


It's the best way for me to get good postpartum care

I wish this was not true but it has been for me. I was absolutely shocked with the lack of postpartum care, medical or otherwise, to be found using the traditional hospital system. You cannot drop kick moms from a tiny stay in the hospital to a six week check up and expect there to be a smooth transition. With home births I'm guaranteed in home visits by my midwife at 1 day, 3 days, and one week postpartum with a 2 week visit if needed. That's in addition to phone contact, doula visits, and other help.

It's respectful

Through so much of my hospital experience I did not feel heard - even though I had a CNM. My homebirth midwives have been very clear that we have a midwife/client relationship not a midwife/patient relationship. What that means is that I am legally and factually much more in control of my own birth and pregnancy experience. The difference is subtle but the shift in attitude is huge!

I am encouraged, and allowed, to take responsibility for my own birth

Part of agreeing to a planned homebirth is signing a form that states that I will take responsibility for my own education about birth choices, do my part to stay low risk, and prepare as well as I can for the birth and postpartum period. Planning is not an afterthought with a homebirth, and I have experienced much better support prenatally for making those plans with homebirth midwives than I was ever allowed with hospital midwives and OBs. In fact my visits with hospital based practitioners were more focused on breaking attempts at planning than support in planning.

I know who will be at my birth

Even if you have the best OB or midwife ever, you will still be at the mercy of the hospital on-call list when it comes down to who will actually be there when your child is born. I hated that I had to look up my son's birth certificate to see who actually attended his birth since I was never even introduced to the woman - before or after the birth. Giving birth is an intimate event and it is important to me that I at least know the names of the people who are there!

I am allowed to rest

I have absolutely no idea how anyone gets any rest in hospitals after having a baby. Getting woken up every 4 hours for vitals checks, no help caring for the baby, constant lights and noise, and uncomfortable beds are just not my idea of restful. Getting to sleep in my own bed, being left alone to sleep when I can, and to have a room be fully dark has done wonders for my postpartum health!

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These are my biggest reasons for continuing to choose homebirth. 
No, I don't think hospitals are evil, they are just not a good choice as a birthing place for me. 
We still see regular Family Medicine doctors for check ups and illness. We get all our shots on schedule, and believe in evidence-based medical decisions. 

Having a planned homebirth is no guarantee of having the bestest-most-amazing-birth-experience-ever! It is important to be honest and realistic about when the plan needs to change or if homebirth is not a good option. 

In the coming weeks I can do more posts about things like preparing for a homebirth and tips for picking a midwife. I do think postpartum preparation, homebirthing or not, is one of the most overlooked aspects of preparing for baby. Here are my best tips for preparing for avoiding postpartum depression. I'll have to write one about preparing for postpartum more generally!


What questions do you have about homebirth? Is it something you would consider doing or have done?

The Hidden Scars - Dealing with Miscarriage and Secondary Infertility

Monday, May 22, 2017


I am told I am lucky.
I got my boy and my girl right off the bat.
"You're so lucky!," say strangers on the street. "Now you're done!"

Ummmm, why? I always wanted to finally turn around and ask, "What makes you say that?"

Because I didn't feel lucky.

When we had an early miscarriage after our second child was born, it was much more heart wrenching than it had to be due to social pressure to fall within certain reproductive expectations.

The following are real quotes real people have really said to me.
Like to my face.
And meant them.

Once you have a boy and a girl it's "so nice you're done!" It's a statement, not a question.

Any pregnancy less than two years after the last child was born must have been an accident. Because "why would you even want that?"

DEFINITELY never tell anyone about a pregnancy before 12 weeks. Because "what if something happens?!"

Well something did happen, and, ya know, it was not helped by keeping my child some deep secret.

Following our miscarriage it took a lot longer to get pregnant with our next baby than expected.
It's impossible to convey, without living through it, just what it's like to hope so hard every month.... and then see that tell-tale temperature drop on the chart and know that it wouldn't be this month.

Or the next.

Or the next.

But from the outside looking in everything looked perfect!
We're very healthy and active people. We have two cool kids who fill our days with antics and adventures.
But people are not Legos. You can't just swap out one kid for another, and my heart longed for the baby we lost and the ones I was no longer sure would ever be coming.

Sometimes it seemed like no one else even remembered that baby happened.

I entered a weird twilight zone where I would hope against hope that friends would make their pregnancy announcements on Facebook instead of insisting on telling me face to face. IKEA and Target on the weekends was like walking into a maternity catalog. It felt like every other woman in a 50 miles radius could get pregnant but me.

I faced the possibility that we might end up as a two child family.
With our boy and our girl. Socially approved.

I recoiled from the social approval. It felt backhanded. "Good job meeting the Orwellian ideal!" No room for difference. No room for growth. No room for humanity or empathy in there.

I am currently pregnant with our "rainbow baby" who is due to arrive at the end of September. This was a pregnancy announced right away. This child will not be hidden, her birth order will not be excused, and I sincerely hope she's not the last.

I hope for a society that is less focused on a reproductive ideal, and solely focused on the gift of humanity present in each child. I hope for there to be love and understanding for mothers like me who are suddenly staring at a battle with infertility. I hope for a first child and an eleventh child to be equally welcomed. I hope for the silent struggles and wounds of our hearts to speak.


Emotional and spiritual healing from my miscarriage is an ongoing process, so I was thrilled to see Peanut Butter & Grace was publishing a book focused on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss - Blessed Is The Fruit of Thy Womb by Heidi Indahl

What saint better understands what it is like to lose a child than Mary? The book prays through the rosary using meditations from Scripture, reflections, and prayer intentions. What I find most valuable are the questions and journal space within the book to write down the emotions and thoughts that arise from our prayer. 

The book does a great job of grounding the reader in the guidance of Mary and Scripture while consciously allowing the reader to process her own grief and experience. That processing is always followed up with a prayer intention for the larger world. 

Our grief is not unique. So many mother's hearts all over the world and throughout history bear the scars of child loss. Own your story, write it down, talk about it, don't forget your children, but also remember that others are with you bearing the same grief. Bearing the same wounds. Reaching out to each other, beginning through prayer, can be the first fruit that reconnects us back to each other.


Blessed Is The Fruit of Thy Womb is available on Amazon. You can follow more from the author, Heidi Indahl, on her blog Work and Play, Day by Day and on Facebook and Instagram. I received access to a free digital preview copy of the book for review, but all opinions and commentary is my own.

A Tactile Prayer Life - Making Your Family Altar

Tuesday, May 16, 2017



I am a very tactile person when it comes to prayer. I like to have physical Bibles, prayer books, and rosary beads. This works out well when trying to teach little kids about prayer since they are very tactile too!

My greatest struggle with prayer is just starting! I have found having a family altar, or oratory, very helpful as a reminder that we should have prayer in our homes. Here's the typical things we have on our family altar.

Note: Apologies this will not have many pictures. Many of my liturgical items, kid faith art, and statues got crushed/beheaded in the move. A new opportunity for improvement awaits!

Crucifix


Nothing makes you think of Jesus more than seeing the guy himself in the moment of his crucifixion. Even young kids really get what the cross is all about when they see at least one crucifix on a regular basis.
Rosaries

Family rosary is never gonna happen if it's always proceeded by a scramble to find rosaries scattered all over the house. It also helps the kids to understand that rosaries are not toys when they are kept in a special place in the house.

Holy Family Statue

I really love statues of the Holy Family since they often show Jesus as a small child, and it seems to blow kid's minds that once upon a time Jesus was a little kid like them. It presents Joseph and Mary in their context as Jesus' mom and foster father which has helped my kids understand what the big deal is about them.

Candles

Fire is one of those magical elements that signal to kids "this is a big deal".
Having a candle stash by your altar is nice when you want to light a candle as a reminder to pray during a particular period of time during a day. Maybe someone is having surgery, is in labor, or doing a job interview. One more way to stay prayerful even when we have to attend to daily concerns.

I have three stashes of candles around my house: candles for prayer, candles for emergencies, and candles for ambiance/make the house smell pretty. I strongly suggest getting unscented candles for your family altar since it's sad to have to blow out a prayer candle that is making you nauseous.

Liturgical Year Items

These rotate depending on the time of year. I stash my blessed palms in a vase on the altar during the Easter season. We fill a red construction paper heart with the names of our loved ones who have died and place it on the altar for the month of November. There's a huge range of what you could do, but changing the look of the altar with the seasons has really helped my kids see where the differences are in the liturgical seasons.

Holy Water/Other Blessed Items

It's amazing how many blessed items a family can accumulate! In order to keep them together (and not forget they are blessed and should be treated differently) I like to keep them near our altar. Not necessarily on the altar since they are not all needed on a regular basis. A great example for this is the blessed chalk we use for the Epiphany house blessing. We only do the blessing once a year, but the rest of the year I need to manage not to use the chalk that is blessed as regular sidewalk chalk for the kids (because we did have father bless Crayola sidewalk chalk. It was on sale.)

Kid Faith Creations

The kids both participate in our Little Lambs faith formation program which sends us lots of super cute liturgical year crafts. Some of them are things I think are clever and useful for family prayer, and the kids get a lot of pride in seeing something they made go someplace as special as the family altar.



For more ideas about family altars, I highly recommend the book The Little Oratory: A Beginner's Guide to Praying in the Home by David Clayton and Leila Marie Lawler. It is very detailed so don't be afraid to take what you need and come back for more later.

This post is part of the Catholic Women Blogger's Network (CWBN) monthly Blog Hop! Make sure to click over to the hop to check out more posts on this month's theme: Different ways to pray - holiness in our daily lives.

Do you have a family altar? How to you like to physically live the liturgical year in your home?

Gender Reveal! + Happenings

Friday, May 12, 2017

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

Happy Friday everyone! This was an exciting week in the Hoberg household.

1

Our Moving Truck Finally Arrived!

We can finally stop camping in our house! The first thing we legit cooked in our kitchen was spaghetti and it tasted so good after so much frozen food!

2

....But There Are Some Problems

The first thing we started unpacking was the coffeemaker (#priorities) only to find it smashed to pieces. Some other pieces were deeply dinged and a crate was temporarily lost. Somehow all of the boxes got piled into our sunroom and not in the room there were directed to be in. The box excavation is coming along and I got to get a new (super nice) coffee maker at Target.

So long trusty old friend. I feel like we've gone through a lot together.
.....your replacement is pretty awesome though....
3

We're Planting Our First Garden!

Having been apartment dwellers our entire marriage, we are so excited to have dirt! Tomatoes went in first, and the garden space already had chives, oregano, and strawberries thriving - even in it's neglected state.


I think peppers are next. John wants to make sure we include sunflowers, pumpkins, and radishes. I have no idea how the interest in radishes suddenly appeared, but rolling with it.

4

Dealing with the Wildlife

So far we've found that our yard is also home to: rabbits, gophers, chipmunks, various birds, and ants. 
Huge, swarming, ants. 
We're investing in some ant traps for the house, and hoping the current fencing around the garden is enough to give our new plants a chance.

5

Gender Reveal!

We found out the gender of new baby this week!
John and Therese got to be in the sonogram room for the big reveal and see their new sibling on the monitor.

Big brother and big sister are happy to tell you that.....

6






7

We're all incredibly excited!
Thanks to everyone who sent girl baby name ideas! We've got a good list going. Now we just have to winnow it down to one!

First Minnesota Sunday!

Sunday, May 7, 2017


It's our first Sunday in Minnesota! I already feel like we hit the parish jackpot with this one. 
Beautiful music, great preaching, and learning, spiritual growth, and community opportunities galore!

We got lucky that today also happened to be the Sunday of the Knights of Columbus Pancake Breakfast benefit. After mass we got to go down and have yummy food while meeting new people.

Y'all, people are super friendly here! For each person we met they had 3+ people they wanted to introduce us to. We got invited to dinners, set up with homeschool group info, and Matt already has his Knights of Columbus paperwork in progress.

After spending many years as the only family with young kids at the early morning mass, we were thrilled to see so many families with littles all over the full church. Then we were told this was actually a very lightly attended mass as today is Confirmation day for the diocese and most families will be at the Basilica today. It just gets better!

We're still waiting on the moving truck to get here, but they say it should be this Tuesday. I cannot wait to have a functioning kitchen again! I wrote up my tips for moving with young kids over here.



Here's what we wore for My Sunday Best with Rosie at A Blog For My Mom!


Kid take away from Therese on our way out the door: "That's a very nice church."

Dress: Kohls
Belt: JC Penny
Shoes: Nordstrom
Infinity Veil: Veils By Lily
Bump: 20 weeks!
Yesterday was the 20 week mark for baby - halfway there! Tomorrow is our anatomy scan when we will (hopefully) find out if it's a boy or girl in there. The kids are currently campaigning for boy after almost a month of saying girl. I'm still trying to convince them that this is not a democratic process.

We have a likely boy name but zip zero ideas for girl names. If this baby is a girl I will need all the suggestions! We like saints names preferably and I'm good with uncommon ones.

Moving Halfway Across the Country with Young Kids

Friday, May 5, 2017

Linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes!

This past week we moved from Berkeley, CA to St. Louis Park, MN. It's been a saga. I would not claim moving with kids is easy, but there are some things we did with this move that made the process easier.



1

Find a way to make baths happen everyday

During the moving process there is so much upheaval. The packing and moving makes living spaces very dusty, and being outside so much meant by the end of the day there was a decent amount of dirt, dust, sand, sunscreen, and who-knows-what on these kids. 
My kids are very used to bath time starting the train to sleepy time. If I can just get them in a tub at the end of the day, nighttime goes so much better for everyone!

2

Bring the white noise machine

We're used to sleeping with white noise machines in each bedroom, and I was very grateful for that during the move. Having that consist sound for sleep was great for thin walled hotel rooms and even for getting used to the sounds of our new home.

3

Explore!

Much of the time it only made sense for one of us to be at the apartment/house and the other to be the kid wrangler. The best mode of kid wrangler is out of the house, and if you need to be out of the house might as well do fun stuff!
I became kid wrangler so the kids and I had adventures! Everywhere! We hiked the trail next to the hotel, made a whole ceremony out of getting free snacks from the hotel lounge, tried out our new library, 

4

Plan one fun meal each day

We were traveling, in different hotels, and then essentially camping in our new house for over a week (and counting).  We had bagels with cream cheese and bananas for breakfast, and sandwiches for lunch, most days. We requested a fridge and microwave in hotels which greatly broadened our meal options for non-restaurant meals.We liked to pick either lunch or dinner to be the fun dinner out. It was a great way to stay on budget. Honestly, my littles could only handle one restaurant meal each day from a good behavior stand point alone.


5

Don't Over Pack

I know this is so hard when traveling with little people, especially when you cannot be exactly sure when that moving van will show up at your new place, but traveling with only as much as you need saves so much headache. Especially because we were flying, I wanted to keep our number of bags, and the weight of those bags, on the lower side.

My strategy has been little kids all share one brown duffel bag which they pack under mom supervision. We generally bring enough clothes for five days at a time. We always always always pack swimsuits, fleece jackets, church clothes just to be prepared.
Each kid gets a kitchen size trash bag labeled with their name put into the duffel. Socks, underwear, swim suits all go in a gallon sized ziplock with their name as well.
All kid toiletries go in Mom or Dad's bag since that helps streamline the set up process when we arrive out destination. 

6

Preparing the Kids for Moving

We prepared the kids for moving for months. They saw pictures of the new house, we researched local parks, parishes, and activity options so we could talk in more detail about what would be around in their new neighborhood. We read probably every picture book about moving our local library had in their catalog. Our favorites were The Berenstain Bears Moving Day and Moving by Fred Rodgers (aka. Mister Rodgers!).

We were also very honest about the process of moving. We each encouraged the kids to ask questions and made sure not to sugarcoat things. We probably will not be back in our old town for a long time so these goodbyes will very likely be the last in person visit for most of their little friends. Talking about how they met the friends they have now is useful for helping kids picture how they might make new friends in their new neighborhood. Because they have had success at this friend thing before!

7

Prepare Yourself

Little kids will generally mirror the attitude and perspective of the adults. If YOU are not happy about moving, are scared or unsure if this is a good idea, the kids will probably follow your lead. The best prep for getting through the moving process is to get yourself prepared! Figure out what you need to feel secure in the decision to move and what you will need set up in your new home first off.

For me, picking a parish is huge. I use my parish as home base for finding community and if I can find a solid parish I have a lot more confidence that connections will happen.

Have you ever moved with little kids? What are your moving tips?
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