Under Thy Roof: Finding the Moment

If you surprise me with a back rub after a long day, I’m head over heels. And if I’m feeling stressed or worried, nothing makes my day better like holding hands with my husband or snuggling up with him on the couch. But that doesn’t do it for my husband, Joseph.
When I started to get to know Joseph, I knew right away that he mostly needs to be shown affection and love through quality time – and even though folding the laundry for both of us when he’s at work is great, he’d much rather us both fold the laundry together and catch up about our day.

Doctor Gary Chapman is the bestselling author of The Five Love Languages, which you’ve probably heard of at this point in the series. The five love languages (words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, acts of service and quality time) are different ways you can “speak” to your spouse and convince them that they are loved and loveable. The problem that I’ve run into though is that it is much easier to speak my love language to Joseph instead of going the extra mile and speaking his love language. I prefer to give love in the ways that I love to receive it.

As a recently married couple with jobs, a house to clean, and bills to pay, it can be easy to fill up our calendar with tasks and long to-do lists that never seem to get totally completed. But if I want Joseph to feel loved, I don’t let a crazy-busy schedule get in the way of loving him better today than I did yesterday. In the almost three years that I’ve known Joseph, I’ve discovered little tips and tricks for making a spouse whose love language is quality time feel loved (even when it feels like you have no time at all!)

1. Be present in the moment

When Joseph and I both get home from work, it would be easy to check out and catch up on social media. I blog for a living, so keeping up with comments, collaborations, and posts is incredibly important. So, even though it’s a challenge in today’s media-driven world, I try to remember to turn my phone on silent when Joseph gets home and log off of Facebook. There isn’t any other person I want to talk to more, and I want to make sure our time together is quality time.

2. Keep your schedule in check

It’s easy for me to stuff my schedule with commitments. I love catching up with the women over coffee or going to Bible studies and other groups during the week. But when I over-stuff my schedule and spread myself too thin, it’s usually Joseph and I’s relationship that takes the first hit. Without quality time, we seem to grow more and more distant, struggling to communicate as we see each other between running errands. So whether that means not going to a Bible study during the week or making sure we have time together in the evenings, I’ve learned to be more conscious of how I schedule my week.

3. Enjoy every moment

Joseph leaves for work in the morning pretty early – but that doesn’t stop us from having quality time together before we part ways for the work day. I get up and pack his lunch as he gets ready for the day. Then we sit down at the kitchen table together. I drink my first cup of coffee (one of many during the day), and Joseph eats breakfast. We read the morning news together, talk about what our day will look like, and fill each other in on things we forgot to mention the night before. Before Joseph gets on the road, we take time to pray together. We pray for passion and enthusiasm for our sacrament. It may only be 15 short minutes, but because we make a choice to spend that time together in a quality way, it fills up Joseph’s love tank before he starts his day at work.

4. Become interested in what they love

I would not say that I’m an expert when it comes to cars. In fact, you’re talking to the woman who drove around for about a year thinking that her back door of her car was broken – it turns out the child lock was on the whole time. But because Joseph loves taking care of our cars and talking about cars, I’ve learned to become interested in what he loves.

This means that when it comes time to change the oil in our cars (something I used to leave to the local auto mechanics), I go out into the garage and change the oil alongside Joseph. I never thought I’d be able to say that I know how (or why!) we change the oil in our car, but because I looked at time in the garage as an opportunity for quality time, I can proudly say I can (almost) change the oil myself!

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For those of us with crazy busy schedules, quality time can seem like an impossible love language to speak. And even though cuddling at the end of the night or sending a quick e-mail during the day might be an easy thing to include in my schedule, making time in our calendar for quality time is a way that I can love Joseph in the best way possible.

Chloe Langr is a very short stay-at-home-wife, whose growth has probably been stunted by the inhumane amounts of coffee she regularly consumes. When she is not buried in a growing stack of book that she brings home from the book store she works at, she can be found spending time with her husband, geeking out over Theology of the Body, or podcasting.
Connect with her blog, Old Fashioned Girl, her podcast, Letters to Women, or on Facebook.

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Congratulations to reader Julie who won the "I Love You Because..." chalkboard giveaway!

The giveaways for Acts of Service and Quality Time love languages are still live! Check back on Monday for our final giveaway as we cover a complicated love language - touch.