Maintaining Connection in a Busy Life - Quality Time

If you are a parent—perhaps especially a mother who works outside the home—you’ve heard all about Quality Time.  When it comes to my kids, I’m more about quantity than quality.  But in my marriage, it’s a totally different thing.

Quality Time is one of the Five Love Languages.  For me, it’s in a tie for top spot with Acts of Service.  Luckily for our marriage, it’s high on my husband’s list as well, coming in just after Physical Touch.

We should have no trouble then, right?

Newsflash:  even couples with relatively compatible love languages can run into issues.
On the plus side, we both agree on the importance of spending reliable and regular chunks of time together.  Alone.

Most couples start out their relationships spending lots of time—quantity AND quality—together.  So this wasn’t a skill we had to learn.  Many couples, though, start to slip in this area with the demands of work and, especially, children.  But because Quality Time was so important to both of us, we have continued to make sure that it is a part of our marriage.

When we had three preschoolers, that was hard, but we made it happen.  We hired a succession of regular babysitters and planned each month the times we would go out alone together.   As the kids grew (and we added a couple more!), we were able to leave the older kids at home alone.  Nursing babies got to come out with us.  On the rare occasions when there was no nursing baby, we even made time for a more-or-less annual weekend away, even if “away” was just down the road in Gatlinburg.

Our “baby” turned 13 recently, so babysitters are no longer a factor.  We go out alone once a week and sometimes more often.

Spending time together is relatively easy for us these days.  So what is the downside?  We don’t always agree on what constitutes QUALITY time.

I think we would both agree that Quality Time is more than just time spent in one another’s presence.  We work at home and might spend hours sitting at our desks in the office, looking at our respective computers.  That’s time, and we have to spend it, and it’s nice we are working in the same place, but if your focus is on something other than each other it’s not really Quality Time, no matter how much of it there is.  We might actually get sick of working in the same room, but we never get tired of leaving the house together!

Going out to dinner is our mutual preferred activity, but I don’t consider it Quality Time if we don’t talk about meaningful things while we are there.  My husband is happy just to be with me sharing a meal away from the demands of the house, the office, and the kids.  That’s all he really needs to feel more connected to me.  With Acts of Service also high on my list, Quality Time for me might be spending an afternoon organizing the garage together, whereas my husband would prefer we spend that time sitting on the sofa while I run my fingers through his hair until I get a cramp in my arm!   My husband is always wanting me to go to the movies, but in my mind Quality Time MUST include conversation, the deeper the better! 

We both believe strongly in the importance of actively working to maintain and improve our marriage, and to that end we’ve been going through the My Hand in Yours, Our Hands in His Marriage Workbook.  We both agree that spending time together studying Scripture, praying, and learning how we can enhance our marriage by becoming more virtuous is the best kind of Quality Time.

Leslie Sholly describes herself on her blog, Life in Every Limb, as Catholic and Southern, Wife and Mother, which gives a quick but accurate snapshot of who she is and what is important to her.  She was born, and still lives, in Knoxville, Tennessee.  Graduated from Georgetown University, majoring in Honors English and minoring in Theology, and met her husband in the process!  They have been married for 28 years and have five children aged 13-27.  In addition to blogging, she works at home as her husband’s legal assistant, writes grants and does editing for a non-profit run by her mother, while homeschooling her youngest.  Her blog covers a lot of territory:  Faith, Politics, Education, Parenting, Graveyards, Gardening, Hiking, and the occasional recipe or product review! 

Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Google+, and Tumblr.

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Kimberly Cook, author of My Hand in Yours, Our Hands in His Marriage that Leslie and her husband are using in their marriage, has agreed give away a e-book copy of the workbook!

A little about her:

Kimberly Cook is the author of "My Hand In Yours Our Hands In His", "Mommy, Mommy, When You Pray", and co-author of "Once I Was Blind, But Now I See". She has a Master of Arts in Theology, and Bachelor of Science in Mental Health. Kimberly blogs about faith and parenthood at TheLionOfDesign.com. She lives in Virginia with her husband and four children.

This study will take you and your spouse on a 7-Week journey through the virtues; particularly as they apply to your married vocation. Supported with scripture and words of wisdom from the saints, you will be guided through an encounter together – helping you to grow with one another in virtue, and soar to new heights of holiness. Allow yourself this experience and tool in recognizing the virtues you already so valiantly possess, and in helping one another to establish a plan to grow in those areas in which you are struggling.

Both hardcopy and e-books can be purchased here: https://thelionofdesign.com/marriage-workbook/

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Make sure to check out the previous installments in this series:

SPEAK SO I CAN HEAR YOU - WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

SPEAKING THE WORDS THAT DON'T COME NATURALLY - WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

NOTICING THE SMALL THINGS - ACTS OF SERVICE

THE COST OF THE THOUGHT, NOT OF THE GIFT: NAVIGATING A RECEIVING GIFTS LOVE LANGUAGE